You call me Holly, and then in the next sentence call me "him". GRRRRRRRRRR !!

Comment by Caroline Grace on September 1, 2012 at 12:12pm

Name tag?  Embroided name on your tops? Pasties?

The first two were actually serious...

Questions: 

Have you worked on your voice or are they still hearing the old you?

Do you leave notes or memos for them and use your new name?

Do you have name plate near your work are?  Lunch pail?

Do you ever simply write a thank you note, a note of appreciation, or some such thing simply because you know people like it when their supervisor does something like that? i fyou do that kind of thing you'll build an army who will handle matters like this for you. They will self police the group.

The more they see your name, the more they will get to understand it.  If you have team meetings or directions that go out in writing, put your name on it in an obvious place.

Make a request of each person who errors that is something like this, " say something nice but honest about the person and then make your request, "You have been fabulous carpenter here for more than 10 years.  You have always pulled your weight and I certainly appreciate the friendly attitude you bring to work with you. Getting use to changes is hard, isn't it?  Since I so value our work relationship and want this to be the best place to work for you and me, I need to talk about one change in particular.  I have noticed that several times have used my old name or the wrong pronoun. I understand that it is hard to switch from one name or set of pronouns to another but it would sure help if you could make a special effort not to make that mistake as frequently as you do. "

The objectives are to be Unifying - Kind - Useful - Truthful.  We don't use the truth to wound others but as way fo assuring that things stay good or improve, so that's why I mentioned the last part.  Another way to say it acknowledge the person and their contributions genuininely and object to the behavior but embrace the person.

And those subtle reminders like name badges, name plates, etc will all help reinforce the idea.

Lastly forgive people who err but push back on people who do it intentionally as a way to bully you.

And by the way, fresh cookies go a long way with guys.  A way to man's heart is through his belly...

 

Comment by Dal Maxwell on September 1, 2012 at 12:35pm

Holly - I have found that humor often has a direct yet subtle way of driving the point home. With people I have known, it's easier; I just gently remind them of my prefereces regarding being addressed.  With others I say things like 'There's no need to stand on ceremony, you can call me Dal/her/whatever' and they get the idea.  But being confrontational (not that you are or that it was suggested) really just inflames the situation. 

Of all the recommendations Caroline made, the only one I would disagree with is about the cookies.  Those are a reward for the crew/staff pulling together to get things done.  As a supervisor, your job is to make sure that they do theirs; bribing them is not a good way to accomplish anything, in my view.  When I was working, when I faced a problem such as yours I would take that person aside (keeping in mind that this was much later than a mere two months) and remind them that as their supervisor you expected to be respected by your team and, although these were extraordinary circumstances, you were still a leader with authority and you expect the team, all of it, to be responsive to your change. 

But just not after only two months, Holly.  Give it some time. 

Comment by Julia Giannopoulos on September 1, 2012 at 12:36pm

Holly,

Your very very early into living full time.

These people have known you as your male personae for much longer hence the slip ups.

I'm not defending this, just explaining it.

 I've been full time for close to six years now and as I look back I can remember people calling me him and by my prior first name for well over a year before they got it right.

If they tolerate you Holly then turnabout is only fair play yes?

Julia

Comment by Barbara Hadley on September 1, 2012 at 1:03pm

Wear a Professional Name Tag. It would be a low impact, sutble remnder. But it is early yet.

Comment by Melanie Cee on September 1, 2012 at 1:53pm

I managed a 6bay shop and used a "Foul Language" jar and I've heard it also used in this circumstance. It can be lighthearted and the funds could go to something all would enjoy or a charity.Although hopefully you won't collect enough to warrant a donation to a charity   Seems most are making an effort if they are using your new, to them,name. The proper pronouns may take a bit longer and they may have no idea they are doing this.  It will be up to you to either correct the individual at the time they make the mistake or find a time to broach the subject. How you handle this will depend on your working relationship with each and every one of the people under you. Humor worked for me most of the time. You are assuming they get it,they don't and never will

Comment by Holly Muczynski on September 1, 2012 at 4:10pm

I have a great relationship with my crews that i supervise, and i feel that is why things have gone so smoothly so far at work. For the most part, everyone calls me Holly . The main thing i hear is when a few of us are talking , and they refer to me as "him" or "he" . I know it has not been very long at all since i have been full time at work, and i dont expect everyone to get it right over night. I was just wondering on how to go about either correcting people, or just giving them more time. Thank you everyone for your input, and yes Caroline, food works good to get people on your side- desserts, hot dogs on the grill, cookies- my guys love them all !!! I guess i just need to be more patient, i just dont want it to get out of hand and people forget who i am, not who i was.

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on September 1, 2012 at 4:19pm

Holly, I think Julia is saying something that has to be understood by anyone transitioning on the job. With some it just takes time, with others they get it right away and yet others never will understand.

I have one boss who never gets my name or the pronouns wrong. I have an elderly boss who slips up often and I think in pasrt because he doesn't connect his former "male" employee as a woman despite all appearances to the contrary.

Unless this is being done spitefully, it is a head adjustment they are making, and hun, it's only been two months!

What I did to ease my fellow employees into what was happening was I went through HR and got good advice from the Corp. HR director who had been through this at the plant where he works from and we had a strategy. I took Friday off and he sent all employees an email that day with what, I will abbreviate, which basically stated, "Mark is now Marsha, he is she, the company recognizes this change and we expect everyone to recognize it also by showing her due respect"

If this wasn't done at your work place, it's not too late to send out a clarification e-mail. But be real also, some will still slip up. Try to take it with a grain of salt, it gets better.

Comment by Holly Muczynski on September 1, 2012 at 4:28pm

Marsha, thank you for the advice, i appreciate it. I have been working with HR for over a year now. I actually had a meeting with all of my guys, about 20 or so, last July 2011 and told them what i was going through and what to expect in the near future. That was just over a year ago. This June i did the very thing you said, i sent out an email to everyone stating that i was planning on going fulltime starting the 1st of July and gave them my preferred name and all that good stuff. The guys that did not have email, i told them. I know i am probably being a little anxious about it, or alot anxious, about everyone getting it right. I agree with what everyone has said and I appreciate the reality check. 

Comment by Caroline Grace on September 1, 2012 at 6:00pm

A team's respect is always earned and never comes by commandments.

Comment by Erin Detty on September 1, 2012 at 7:39pm

I get the same thing and I just let it go, there are bigger fish to fry, plus I have to remind myself they have known me for a wile longer than I have been full time, so old habits are hard to kick. Than there are these two that just love to call me sir. I won't let them get the best of me, so I just move on, and yes sometimes it bothers me but I keep it to myself. I have been full time for a little over two years and they still do it , don't let it get to you. 

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