Why I am transgender, transsexual, born in the wrong body, etc, etc. pick your adjective to describe wanting to physically be the opposite sex to that you were born. I've thought about this, A LOT! Most every day since I was 11 or 12 years old. It started in the sixth grade, middle school sometime in 1974-75. It probably started with the testosterone flood of puberty.
I remember being acutely aware of my breasts, not sure why exactly, I don't remember really thinking of them before. I remember being teased that my breasts were as big as the girl that was developing in our class. I really didn't understand it at the time. It was around this time I started wearing my mothers and sister's clothing. I remember distinctly wanting to be a girl, so wearing these things were a way to emulate a girl, wear the uniform and you feel like one of the team.
It was not sexual, it just felt right and normal. I can remember wishing and praying my breasts would grow and that come morning I would awake a girl. Didn't happen, and I know this is a common refrain of my T-sisters. But the whole crux was that my body didn't match what my brain said it should be. Really pure and simple. I was wired for a woman's body not a mans. I should have breasts, curves, long hair, and a vagina.
Pretty simple really. I feel constantly out of tune with my physical self. In some ways its like a phantom limb. When a limb is amputated the brain thinks it's still there and will feel pain, an itch, and other sensations. I'm like that, my brain thinks breasts should be there, and a vagina.
Sexually I want to respond with a vagina, not a penis. Hetero sex as a male has always been OK, it's always been is that it, what is the big deal. My fantasies have always involved me as a woman with a man, never as a man with a man. I'm not gay, just hetero in the wrong body. I never have felt like I walk right, and have always been self conscious of my gait. I scared I'll walk like a girl because really when I do, it feels so much more comfortable, but I catch myself and walk like what I think a boy/man should walk like. It's tiresome to always be conscious of such things to always be self-monitoring.
Yes I know the fix to this, but I've repressed it for so long and created a life as a faux male. It's all I know. To rip it all away just so that I can have my body be female as my brain tells me it should seems like such a long shot for happiness. I've had to do some hormones just to stay sane as it got so bad thought I would go nuts. The low dose of estrogen calms me down and makes life better, but it comes with a price. Breasts are growing, nipples bigger and oh
so sensitive, aerolas have grown a half inch, hips are bigger, very soft skin, and I have a definite female waist. Do i like these changes? LOL, like ain't the word honey.
So, now what? I don't know. I seem to just keep treading water going round and round in circles. There are times I wouldn't care if I fell over dead one day, that way I wouldn't have to deal with it either way. I"m not suicidal, but it's hard to see what I have to look forward to in my future. I just see more of the same.
I'm a broken record that can't move forward so that my song can finish.