"We are One"

Why

Why I am transgender, transsexual, born in the wrong body, etc, etc. pick your adjective to describe wanting to physically be the opposite sex to that you were born. I've thought about this, A LOT! Most every day since I was 11 or 12 years old. It started in the sixth grade, middle school sometime in 1974-75. It probably started with the testosterone flood of puberty.

I remember being acutely aware of my breasts, not sure why exactly, I don't remember really thinking of them before. I remember being teased that my breasts were as big as the girl that was developing in our class. I really didn't understand it at the time. It was around this time I started wearing my mothers and sister's clothing. I remember distinctly wanting to be a girl, so wearing these things were a way to emulate a girl, wear the uniform and you feel like one of the team.
It was not sexual, it just felt right and normal. I can remember wishing and praying my breasts would grow and that come morning I would awake a girl. Didn't happen, and I know this is a common refrain of my T-sisters. But the whole crux was that my body didn't match what my brain said it should be. Really pure and simple. I was wired for a woman's body not a mans. I should have breasts, curves, long hair, and a vagina.

Pretty simple really. I feel constantly out of tune with my physical self. In some ways its like a phantom limb. When a limb is amputated the brain thinks it's still there and will feel pain, an itch, and other sensations. I'm like that, my brain thinks breasts should be there, and a vagina.

Sexually I want to respond with a vagina, not a penis. Hetero sex as a male has always been OK, it's always been is that it, what is the big deal. My fantasies have always involved me as a woman with a man, never as a man with a man. I'm not gay, just hetero in the wrong body. I never have felt like I walk right, and have always been self conscious of my gait. I scared I'll walk like a girl because really when I do, it feels so much more comfortable, but I catch myself and walk like what I think a boy/man should walk like. It's tiresome to always be conscious of such things to always be self-monitoring.

Yes I know the fix to this, but I've repressed it for so long and created a life as a faux male. It's all I know. To rip it all away just so that I can have my body be female as my brain tells me it should seems like such a long shot for happiness. I've had to do some hormones just to stay sane as it got so bad thought I would go nuts. The low dose of estrogen calms me down and makes life better, but it comes with a price. Breasts are growing, nipples bigger and oh
so sensitive, aerolas have grown a half inch, hips are bigger, very soft skin, and I have a definite female waist. Do i like these changes? LOL, like ain't the word honey.

So, now what? I don't know. I seem to just keep treading water going round and round in circles. There are times I wouldn't care if I fell over dead one day, that way I wouldn't have to deal with it either way. I"m not suicidal, but it's hard to see what I have to look forward to in my future. I just see more of the same.

I'm a broken record that can't move forward so that my song can finish.

5 members like this

Comment by Rachel King on April 25, 2013 at 3:25am: I get the greatest of pleasures from this site in seeing people come here and over time, finding their truth.

The recognition that we are not abnormal, we are not freaks and we are not alone, is a large weight off our shoulders.

Making the decision to stop living a lie is one of the hardest things there is but make it, we must.

After living a life that has for many, been selfless, the time to be honest is not one of being selfish because being a better person, is infinitely better for those around you, than who is in their life now.

I'm thinking your time to let the genie out of the bottle is near.

Your truth awaits you Elle and it is beautiful.

Comment by Erica Copeland on April 25, 2013 at 10:58am: Why, why, why..........that's a question I used to be stuck on, like the broken record you mentioned. Finally, I came to the understanding that there is no answer to that question. Oh, I looked for answers in my Mom's difficult pregnancy, hospitalization over miscarriage worries, and possible use of that stupid drug back in the '60's. The conclusion that I came to was that those things didn't matter anyway. The fact is I feel and think this way, no matter the "Why". So I was a little surprised the other day when the question "Why?" popped into my head for no apparent reason. I had to laugh at myself. I thought "Erica are you serious? Really?" Thanks for sharing Elle.

Comment by Elle James on April 25, 2013 at 11:18am: Thanks ladies for your kind ccomments. Thé "why" here for me was more an explanation than à question though i still have that. My quandry is more thé acceptance of elle as the true me and thé letting go of my male avatar. that is thé purge that is difficulté.

Comment by Shari Williams on April 25, 2013 at 11:28am: Counseling, counseling, counseling!!!! It will help if you are open and honest....with yourself!

Comment by Elle James on April 25, 2013 at 12:40pm: Thanks Shari, I've done some with a therapist, mixed results. Oh and I've been pretty freaking honest with them. I think my answer is that I will transition when i have to, just a question of when that will occur. I know I need to I just have a hard time seeing the reality of it.

Comment by Lynn Cadwell on April 25, 2013 at 1:33pm: I have asked "why" many times.

Comment by Julia Giannopoulos on April 25, 2013 at 5:08pm: Elle,

It appears that you have simply not reached a critical point severe enough to trigger a life changing move on your part.

Mine came five years after my first attempt at transition in the form of a handgun.

You are not there quite yet. A little more pain and a little more hopelessness might be all that is needed for you to act on what you know you must do.

Until that time it will be business as usual with your mental state balancing on the tip of a switchblade and your life continuing to stall like celluloid film stuck in a projector as the projection lamp burns it away.

It's your life Elle, you must live it, don't burn it away.

Comment by Elle James on April 25, 2013 at 5:48pm: Yeah Julia I know. I both want that 'event' and dread it at the same time.

Comment by Joanna on April 25, 2013 at 5:50pm: Sounds like you really need to do something Elle. Have you had a serious talk with your doctor? Do you have a gender therapist? Your wife knows all by now I imagine given that you're on hrt? Don't wait any longer!

Comment by Rachel King on April 25, 2013 at 7:09pm: No finger pointing but an earlier message( and not you Joanna) is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

If you are part-time yourself, you may have the right to chide yourself but as you have not faced your own reality, you can hardly suggest someone else is at fault.

We should always be mindful that our advice, good intent though it may well be, can be an undue influence in someone making a premature decision on their transition time.

I hold my hand up in that I should have stated this and I should do so more often.

We don't live your life and everyone should remember that the timeline is yours and yours alone, no one else's.

Having said that the clocks ticking Elle, hahahahaha, can't help myself, can I.