Who stole my shoes?

Comment by Julia Giannopoulos on July 28, 2011 at 8:05pm

Tina,

 

For me I had to transition or commit suicide.

There was no compromise nor was there anything anyone could have done to keep me from doing what I had to do.

Your husband might be just that your husband that just happens to have a "thing" for clothes.

For me and others like me it's a completely different animal than clothes. It's the internal "knowing" that tells you that your female just like you know you are a female Tina.

 

When I transitioned to full time back in 2006 my wife originally agreed before we were married that I was able to transition and that she was perfectly fine with it but in the end she reneged on her agreement with me .

I recieved an ultimatum; Either remain on hormone therapy and not transition and remain married or transition and become divorced.

Tina, I had no choice, I either transition and lose everything and everyone in my life or kill myself.

My choice was to live.

 

This is not a radical exception to the norm Tina. For those that are truly transsexual this is a all too familiar story.

In the end I lost my wife, my family, my job, my savings, friends, house, land etc, etc, etc.

 

Tina, you have to ask your spouse what his true identity is.

If he's a crossdresser then he's still your husband but with a desire to explore his feminine side.

If he admits he's more than that then only time and therapy will tell just how deep this really is.

 

Now a plea to you Tina; Please be kind to your husband. This isn't a game, it's very real.

Please attempt to understand and be patient.

 

Ther isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for my wife and the life we had built together.

I love her more than what she will ever know.

I live in exile.

 

Peace and love to both of you

 

 

Julia

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on July 28, 2011 at 8:31pm

Tina I am trans and in divorce proceedings, BUT I know couples who weather this storm, the odds are not good, but it can happen. 

Let me explain, if your husband is really transsexual, and you haven't said he is, this isn't an alter ego. Nor is this a mid-life crisis but a transsexual, as I , has an innate knowledge of being female and living in dual gender roles eventually wears one down to where they can't do it anymore. I am not saying your husband is TS, he may like dressing in women's clothes for other reasons, but some of us start out thinking (often, as I, hoping) we are crossdressers, but deep down we know better.

It all comes down to whether or not you two can be honest with each other and love each other as people, but also your relationship will forever change but that doesn't mean it is ending, but changing.

Sorry, this is from transwoman, but if you want to talk to another GG who is going through this as you are, let me know and I may be able yo arrange a chat or call.

Comment by Erica Fields on July 28, 2011 at 9:35pm

Tina,

As Marsha said, you don't know if your husband is just exploring his feminineside or is truly transexual.  I have transitioned and although my marriage ended, my wife understood that it would never continue if I lived the lie that I had all my life.  We are now friends and support each other deeply  I have several good friends who have maintained thier marriages but it takes work on both sides.  You must accept your spouse as who she/he is and that the love you have is still there.  I wish you all the best and hope you can understand someday that your spouse needs to be true to herself.

Comment by Amy Wagoner on July 28, 2011 at 9:37pm

Tina, my suggestion for you would be to get involved with Tri Ess, and a local chapter in your area.  They are a support group for hetero CD's and most importantly their spouses.  They have local chapters all over, and there you can meet other women in the same position you are.  I am a member of the local group here in Orlando, and I think it is at least as important to the wives as it is to us.  I know many in my local group that have been married for 30+ years, and some that did not make it as well.  Aside from being open and honest with each other, it is also important for you to learn from and lean on others in the same boat you are in.  I know a few wives that struggled with it at first, but then learned to really have some fun with it.  Others are just tolerant of it.  Their website is http://www.tri-ess.org/.  It really does not have to hurt your relationship, and I have seen quite a few cases where it made the relationship better.  Also, at conferences like Southern Comfort, Be-All as well as many others you will find a lot of wives there.  I hope this helps you discover some resources that might be useful to you.

Comment by Heidi Phox on July 28, 2011 at 10:11pm

There does seem to be a tendancy for many tgirls to see how far they can take things. I have always tried to be the example of moderation. I told my wife about my crossdressing before we were married and explained that it was just a minor hobby with me. A couple years later, when I wanted to do it more and she was willing to let me (we read everything we could to understand it and have always had very open conversations) I started to become almost obsessed with it. But I could see that it was hurting our relationship so I backed off. Since then we've managed to find a level that we are both comfortable with and she even misses going clothes shopping with me if I go too long without suggesting it. I have tgirl contacts on other sites that have recently said that they've either been busy or just not felt like "dressing" for the past several months so, yes, it's possible.

Comment by Rachel King on July 29, 2011 at 4:53am

Sorry Tina, I have this tendency to want to know a little about the person I am making a comment to but your profile is set to private which, in my mind defeats the openness that is Pinkessence.

I wouldn't walk up to a stranger on the street and say," I wanna be friends" They would no doubt think I was daft, which I no doubt am anyway.

I would love to have offered my 62 yr old perspective.

It's often not worth much but sometimes it resonates.

Spose I will have the indignity of approval too, which I detest.

Oh well........

Comment by Diane Michelle on July 29, 2011 at 5:15pm

Tina, I have a very large femme wardrobe, but so does my wife. I have learned to hold back on my Diane side. It works out well.

Hugs

 Diane

Comment by Tina Brown on July 30, 2011 at 12:22am

@rachel: I do want support, but am reserved and nervous. I'm 35, married 12 years, looking at a future fading in the distance.

@others: you are kind and I believe Heidi is right. Moderation is key, and sadly thats not whet I see. the hormones scare me and make this strictly a one-way street whether transitioning or not.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Comment by Rachel King on July 30, 2011 at 5:55am

Tina,

In 22 words, you have said exactly what a profile is meant to convey to us who care( and there are a lot)

I thank you.

Sometimes life deals you a rough hand and you can face up to it, meet it head on and embrace it or you can walk away and say, that was too hard.

How strong is your bond?

None of us really know if we are strong enough, until we face such a challenge.

Is challenge the right word for something so calamitous in our life?

 

I would like to offer another perspective for you to add to your thinking.

It's neither of your paths but it might demonstrate the strength needed for this journey.

 

I began the journey that is my transition as a single, I had been for 15 years which is a long time for me, as I am a very social animal.

On my first trip to Thailand for surgery, I met this wonderful Thai woman who, I don't know why or how, I knew was going to be part of my life.

That was in June 2009.

In October 2009, I returned for more surgery, and hoping to re-meet her, I went to see her again. She had left the seaside city of Pattaya, 145 km's south of Bangkok, to return to her Home District up north.

I was quite bereft, my dream, my fantasy, was shattered.

On my 3rd trip in March 2010, I had my major surgery, I  went back to the seaside city of Pattaya, that she had lived in, not expecting to see her again but it was a great place to recuperate at.

We did, by pure accident, meet up again and when we both saw each other, as she told me later, she knew we were meant to be together.

One moonlit night some time later, I asked her how she felt about loving a woman. She was widowed and had a 14 year old son.

She replied to me, " I don't know, I have never loved a woman before. I only know that I love you."

 

That reply left me speechless( not easy to do to me)

It was so simply put and from the heart. I have no doubt of it's sincerity.

Gender didn't matter, what was in the heart did.

I don't expect there are many like my beautiful Mai.

I'm honest enough to say, that I might not have that strength, or maybe I would....now.

 

Transition and those here at Pinkessence have opened up my "open mind " to such a degree, that I now question my every belief of yesteryear.

I'm only offering one perspective. It won't match your partner or you.

We all have our own path to travel.

 

Mai decided to travel my path with me and I am forever a better woman for it.

Can you put aside all things, and there will be a mountain of them, and love your partner unconditionally.

 

It will be a beautiful life at the end of it.

But there will be unbelievable obstacles to overcome.

This "alter ego' that you talk about, is actually the "real" person crying to get out.

The "other" person will at some stage meld, to become one.

The cork must come off the bottle at some stage.

IT IS INEVITABLE.

 

And that's the crux of loving a trans person, however far they go in their chosen path.

Your love has to be unconditional and until they can find their own path, you have to be there as their support, their pillar and their rock.

 

Anything less that you are capable of, will leave you shattered.

So look after No1, but if your commitment is total with this person, then make sure that it IS total and embrace this new life.

It is actually very exciting..

 

 

 

Comment by Tina Brown on July 30, 2011 at 1:21pm

Wow. Rachel--you slayed me. I'll hav to think on that.  unconditional is a tall order right now; don't know if it is possible. (can anyone besides God really get that one right??>) Plus, it requiures moderating ones appetites on both sides, and sheltering and providing for one another in many other ways I don't see happeneing.  As you said, and was said in the movie the Matrix: it's the sound of inevitability that stalks me.

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