Where did I come from?

So there were the early feelings of attraction to feminine things. Maybe around first grade I remember wanting to be the girl on Big Valley, (Duh! Linda Evans, who didn't want to be her). I remeber convincing my mother and her friend to let me borrow a wig and a skirt, looking back I still don't know how. I always got along well with the girls in the neighborhood and we would play together with dolls, or house. As the boy I always ended up being the husband but once in a while I would get to be the wife and really enjoyed that.

Later we moved out to the country and I didn't have many friends to play with. I would entertain myself by doing my nails sometimes. Then I got this lovely play house that was actually like a giant doll house, I would clean and try to make it pretty. Then my stepfather ran off and we moved back into town again. I did busy myself with boy things, there were woods and other boys to run around with, but there were times when I would stay home for me time.

Me time was when Sharon began to come out of her shell. I was around 11 or 12 and didn't really know anything about being T. I just knew that I liked the girly things in my mothers closet. I would get dressed in a nice long skirt with a pretty flowered top and relax around the house while my mother was at work. This was also when I started to try to make my male parts go away. I would go through boxes of band aids trying to cover up those parts everyday after school. I kept thinking that if I kept it covered long enough maybe one day it wouldn't be there after I took the bandaids off. This was something that stayed with me for a long time, you would think I could have caught on to the fact that maybe I was just born wrong.

Around that time there was a story in the news that entranced me. Renee Richards was on nearly every day and I thought wow, I wonder if I could have that done. How wonderful it would be to not be wrong anymore. Of course her struggles were completely unknown to me even after they made her story into a movie at 12 I only paid attention to the parts that validated my feelings at the time.

Being young I was of course less careful about putting things back than a more practiced girl might be and my mother eventually discovered my dressing. What was I doing in her closet, why were her things moved, all those things each of us has probably heard. The Q word was uttered,, and therapy was mentioned, I was so scared after being caught that I declined. Wouldn't things have been different had I been honest with myself way back then. Of course there was probably no SOC for pre-pubescent TG's back then, but androgyns at that point would have been so helpful.

This was probably the reason we moved after that as my mother looked for a father figure to work the girly out of me. We went back to Columbus where my grandparents were and followed a series of boyfriends all wanting to be big brother types. Bit then there were the blizzards too and lots of time home alone.

More to come.

Hugs,
Sharon