As some girls on PE will know, you usually have to be up pretty early to catch me online. I roll out of bed at 5:45 AM CST and am usually online about 6:40 until 7 AM when I have to catch my bus. This morning in the chatroom we were discussing what we wanted and at this point I said I was having too much fun as a husband and father. And I am! I enjoy coming home and seeing my 3 month old son and my wife. I enjoy sitting with them both at the dinner table, him babbling up a storm and talk about our days. Then afterwards we settle in to watch TV for the evening and play with our son or some other project I have on the go which I can do in the same room as them both.
Upon reflection, it's a strange sensation. I had my major breakdown in September, and a scant six or seven weeks afterwards I'm having too much fun as a 'normal' male to think about being a girl permanently. What the heck is up with that? I have been struggling with this for ages and NOW, after I decide to pursue this seriously, it goes away.
I guess there are a couple things which have contributed. First is that my wife and I talk about this more. We talk about what's running around in my head and how we're both feeling with respect to everything. The second thing is that I have stepped back from being online so much. I have a number of friends who long haul and, to put it mildly, when you have that much time to think you tend to lose perspective and can talk yourself into anything. Immersing myself in the T*girl culture with all it's facets made me think about it non stop. Now I spend more time with my wife and son, and I don't have near the problems I was having a short time ago.
Do I think it's over? Not at all. For however long this has had an ebb and flow to it. It's like a river. When it's low or ebbing everything is calm and then the flow comes and cut the channel more. Then once it ebbs again the channel has changed and the ebb moves in the new path. So with every ebb, the longer it goes, the bigger and stronger the flow. That's how I have been. The longer I go without being heavily into being a girl, the stronger it comes back and when it calms again I'm more of a girl then I was before. What this means is that I'm waiting for the other high heel to drop. I have a feeling this will be the one which puts me over the edge.
So what does it means when I look forward to going over the edge?