Dreams. They are bits of mental fluff, decorating the inside of an otherwise unused mind (sleep state) or they are indications of desires, fears, ambitions etc, or, if your more into the metaphysical, they are portents of things to come.
Mine are disturbing me lately. Last night I spoke with my mother, dead just a bit over a year now. It was not a bad talk, just a talk we had and, no, although I put my life up here like some kind of whore for
all to see (wait, no, like a slut, a whore at least has the dignity to
charge for this service) there are a few things I am not willing to
share, the conversation between my mother and I being one of them.
Suffice to say I miss her so damn much.
I was lucky, my parents, divorced though they were, were wonderful. And I was a schmuck, for not listening to the simple words they told me “Honey, I just want you to
be happy” That was mom and “This above all: To thine own self be true”
Daddy, yeah, he had a flair for the theatrical, God rest his soul) And
I was afraid to tell either of them they had a late-onset trans sexual
for a son, former son, a daughter.
I just typed the word “trans sexual” it has taken me a year to admit it, it took me a few months to admit to trans gender before that I was simply a cross dresser. After reflection I realized my life was headed
towards full time femininity. So it was not a huge leap to say “Trans
gender” that gave me an out. A TG wasnt all the way a sell out, didn’t
totally abandon his/her gender, just switched as necessary. But I want.
I want hormones, I want FFS (Feminizing Facial Surgery) I want SRS
(Sexual Reassignment Surgery). That last one is scary. not because I
have a fear of castration (are you kidding me ? Did you read my last
entry ?) But it means ALL the marbles. I am calling my own bluff here.
And I have nothing left to put in the pot.
I have NO clue how I will ever achieve the $22,000.00 US it will take for the surgery, but I will do it. everything that was past IS now past. I may dress as a boi for work, but very few people buy it. God in
heaven knows I no longer do. Yes, they stare at my nails, and my nails
are beautiful, why shouldn’t they stare? They look at my hair and
compliment me on it, women and men. And I have to admit, when men
compliment me on it I get a small thrill. When women compliment me it
validates all that I am doing so far.
Chapter two, I prefer women, sexually. But lately, again, dreams. Last night in a dream I had a very homo erotic session. And it wasn’t that I was fellating a man that bothered me, it was my attitude. It
felt okay. It felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do at that
moment. I remember the couch we were sitting on, a brown herringbone
pattern love seat. Seemed very comfortable. He was wearing blue denims
(well, at least to his quadriceps) and a white T-shirt. He had no
underwear on. And he got very hard very quickly. If I remember
correctly he had about 6 – 6.5 inches. Not terribly thick but a fair
sized penis when erect. I was wearing nothing, As I put my head down
into his lap, I saw my breasts. Again, not overly huge, about a lovely
C cup. Firm and round. Pretty even. I don’t remember if I had a penis
or not. But I was enjoying myself immensely after a few moments.
When I woke up I was a little disappointed. My lover of course was not there. I lay in bed for many minutes and mused about my recent dreams. The talk with mother. Okay, what we talked about was me telling
her she had more than just the one daughter. We will leave it at that.
And again, regrets for not telling her. I could allow people to shoot
at me with live weapons and return their fire just as easily. I could
stare down an entire chapter of a national motorcycle club ( I did but
you wont believe me so consider it just said and leave it at that) but
I did not have the courage to introduce my mother, who loved me VERY
much, to her newest daughter.
And confusion, excitement, thrill ? I dunno, the dream with the male lover, especially with me in a very submissive position, had me confused. Is this a direction I am heading, interested in heading, where I will be ? what ?
The psychic apparatus habitually represses wishes, usually of a sexual or aggressive nature, whereby they become preserved in one or more unconscious systems of ideas. This was a
theory of Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalytic psychology.
Following this, was my dream an unconscious desire manifesting itself
as a dream ? Or, was it, as Freud said of a cigar,
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” *
I am not a smoker, so, I guess I need to go talk to the shrink. But, in a way, I am happy this has happened, because at least I have an idea of what may be to come.
*No actual evidence proves Freud actually said the above, but it is usually attributed to him.