I've been back now for 2 weeks from my vacation in Key West. I've had no problem transitioning (no pun intended) back into my routine. My business has picked up and I was so happy to see my family. I had a serious perma-grin on my face the first few days back. Just seeing my kids smile and hang all over me and kiss me is my everything.
While in Key West, I felt very centered and confident that the next step for me is HRT. I met with my therapist this week and walked in confidently, sat down and said "yep...I'm ready!" She said, "ready for what?" (you know how therapists always answer a question with a question). I said, "I think I'm ready for hormones" She said "you think?" By this time, I'm getting a little annoyed at her, then annoyed at myself. I said that while in Key West, I felt paralyzed by fear - fear of taking the next step of starting HRT. That I was tired of feeling stuck. And that I thought I needed to start HRT to confirm how I really feel inside.
She then said that starting HRT to see if you "feel better or if you feel transsexual" is the WRONG reason to start. She indicated there is a huge myth floating around on the internet that simply taking HRT will confirm that you are indeed transsexual. I was not prepared for her answer. First I was disappointed, then I was a little angry. I mean..all of this meditation, and processing of info and now she tells me this? She proceeds further...." I don't think you are ready yet. Starting HRT will have irreversible effects and I cannot in good conscience prescribe them to you when I don't fully believe you are ready yet."
We talked the rest of the hour and I indicated that I am usually anxious. I thought she knew this...I mean I've been seeing her for over a year. I told her again about feeling "disassociated" from my body at times. That those feelings started in childhood. I took it as part of my GID. She then said that she thought I also suffered from anxiety and that we need to get that under control so I can fully focus on what to do about my GID.
So she gave me a name and # of a psychiatrist who she works with and is trans friendly. She suggested I see him and have him prescribe me anti-anxiety medication. Here's the thing....I am on no medication. I am one of those very sensitive people to medications. I've taken ambien before and it makes me depressed, lethargic and terrible headaches. When I had multliple sinus surgeries, I was borderline addicted to painkillers. They offered me an escape from dealing with my GID and anxiety (I guess now). So I'm anxious about taking anti-anxiety medication! I'm just not sure about it. But her thought is that my anxiety is getting in the way of me being fully present and focusing on what to do about my GID. She said she has had other trans women who started anti-anxiety medication first, and it really helped them to move forward - in any direction and make the right decisions.
I'm worried about being addicted to this medication. Worried about side effects like making me act like a zombie. I told her I get major relief from yoga and meditation but she said that is temporary and that medication will help me cope right now....but that it is not a long term solution.
So...I'm frustrated and once again second guessing myself about what to do. I mean I was ready to start HRT and now because of my anxiety, I'm wondering if I need to do some minor facial surgeries and go for more of an androgynous look. Hell....I don't know anymore.
So I'm practicing what I preach and taking things one day at a time. I suppose I will try the medication and I'lll quickly know if it is affecting me adversely.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?