The world as I know it has changed! For ten years of my life I have found ways to not only lie to myself but to my family and friends. My wife was the one to take the most abuse, year one started with me telling her that I was a cross dresser and nothing more. Deep inside I knew it was more but I craved such a life of normalcy that I was willing to be whatever she needed me to be, a macho man, a family man when I was anything but a man. Year two started with me building a secret wardrobe in my work truck, I had a very lackadaisical boss at the time so basically I was able to get away with murder with no ones knowledge. This secret life lead me from lie to lie, in the past I was a big pot head so I started smoking marijuana again just to numb my senses. Everything came to a head in the second year and I forced my then girlfriend and my 1 1/2 year old daughter to move back in with her parents. This came as a total shock to her with little or no warning, I spent 6 months on my own and came out in full force. I told my mother first and then the rumors started. Now some of you that have read my blogs in the past know the end results but to those of you that don't it was a huge mistake. Every friend I ever had has completely abandoned me and no longer speaks to me to this day. Should I have used more subtlety when dealing with my coming out, perhaps! The damage was already done and I became a freak show, the only thing missing was a ticket booth at my front door. I don't blame any of my friends for running away the way they did, I lied to them as well. Most of my friends were childhood friends and I showed no signs at all, when I was growing up the internet was still young enough and the world was still dough eyed so me revealing myself as a teenage cross dresser was unheard of. The loneliness was building inside and I became desperate for human attention so I cleaned myself up enough to beg her to move back in. At that time I promised her that it would never be an issue again which was just another lie, years three and four went somewhat smoothly but I still smoked weed, so much so that I became cold hearted and found myself insulting my fiance and became a real dick towards her. But I never let the dressing tear us apart because she allowed me to dress in private. However I spent thousands of dollars on clothes just to give them away to thrift stores because of my indecisiveness, by year five I asked her to marry me and she said yes but only if I promised her that my dressing wouldn't go any further than the bedroom. Inside my mind that wasn't good enough, I craved it like a drug, and the older I got the harder it became to resist. By year six and seven we went through some financial hardships and lost our house, which caused me to withold my urges and got closer to each other. I thought I had it licked, that I could control them and only dress when need be. By years eight and nine my grip started to slip and I found myself within the clutches again, I was losing the battle. The war was far from over, I smoked like a chimney and started to become oblivious to my surroundings, I stopped caring about everything. My job performance was affected, I stopped doing nice things for my wife, my daughter saw less and less of me because I would smoke from morning to night. I found myself acting more female than male, my gestures changed, the way I walked even my male persona changed. I was losing everything I thought I held dear, but the truth is I only held on to these thing because I thought it would make me normal. To have the wife with two kids and the white picket fence on an acre of land , to finally be normal! I was lying to myself for my entire life, pretending to be something that I wasn't. Here it is year ten and I finally realize the truth, it took me all these years hurting the people I care about and boldly lying to their faces. I look back at the destruction this inner war has caused with tons of collateral damage, but the war is finally over and I must face the victor. My female side that I tried so hard to contain was just waiting in the wings for me to just give up, so I lie my weapons down and issue my surrender. I fought boldly with no regards to the lives around me only to realize that I am not a prisoner of war, the truth has set me free!
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