"We are One"
The Great Deceiver
One of the cute little names the bible comes up with for Satan is the ‘The Great Deceiver’. Not surprising as one of his big things is to spend a lot of time maliciously tricking people in ways most foul for the sole purpose of misleading them to grievous harm. Apparently this is all cool under the rules for reasons I was never really clear. Sometimes he seems to be trapped in a lake of fire, and in others destined for it but wants to get his licks in first. Anyway, no one is arguing that ‘Deceiver’ is appropriate for the worst guy ever. Transgender people have a good idea how he might feel about it.
It shouldn’t be surprising that trans folks are often called deceptive. Here we were, one day vetted members of our highly exclusive and secretive gender only clubs, and the next day peeling off rubber masks and yelling “gotcha!” at our stunned friends, family, and loosely affiliated peripheral folks. Well, so it seems to them. Some of them, particularly spouses, children, and sometimes parents, had huge vested interests staked on the reasonable presumption that we would in fact remain the same gender for the duration of the relationship, which is often life. This kind of assumption seems like a super low risk given as the alternative only ever happens in the movies, where it is more expected they would be an alien or some kind of unusually agile secret agent. I’m pretty sure ‘Honey, I Gots Me Some Boobs’ is lagging in production behind ‘Mr and Mrs Smith III: Try Not To Shoot Me In the Ass This Time’.
It’s hard to argue the label with loved ones. It’s true, I did paint myself as a man, and a masculine one at that, and all my words and actions were in appearance as such that no one would have any reason to suspect I was otherwise. When critical life altering decisions are based on this knowledge being accurate, it’s not hard to understand that less than joyous feeling might arise when a huge component of my identity turned out to be sham, an illusion, a deception. Of course that is only a little bit true. Let’s get back to that in a bit.
To add to our woes, we are often depicted as deceptive by members of society. These are people with no real stake in our existence, but somehow take it personally that we are attempting to “fool” them. I don’t understand this mentality at all. All I can imagine is that these are highly ego-centric personalities who can’t comprehend that something isn’t at all about them, somewhat like my 5 year old who is rapidly growing out of it. I think they are probably equally offended by the iconic ‘crying Indian’ who I’m sure they feel is personally accusing them of littering and yell at the TV screen in enraged indignation.
Finally there is the misimpression that we are out there attempting to trick men into sleeping with us. This one is a little trickier to address for two reasons. The first is that there is a great debate in the trans community regarding whether or not disclosure of our past is ‘need to know’ information for sexual partners. I’m going to write about this another time because it’s complicated. My personal opinion is that disclosure is the better part of valor, but then again, if I were ever to become intimate with anyone again, I can’t foresee getting to this point without that person having a clue as to my first 40 years. It’s also tricky because I can’t speak to the cross-dressing community who may actually have individuals who engage in this sort of behavior and make the rest of us look bad. Again though, I don’t appreciate the ‘deceptive’ label out of some cosmetic similarity being drawn.
I think for the moment, we are just going to worry about the first one. After all, it’s the one that hits the hardest, makes us feel terrible, guilty, like really bad people, and causes the most harm overall. In most cases, we can’t argue that there was no deception. Sure, there are some in the trans community who had absolutely no idea up until the moment of epiphany. No cross-dressing, no mental anguish, no body dysmorphia. I think this is relatively rare. Most of us had some clue that we didn’t fit the old ‘Average Joe’ mold or at least suspected it. From the nosebleed section, it looks pretty cut and dry that we knew something critical, but neglected to disclose. Maybe it was dark and malicious, and maybe it was a lie of omission. Looks like case closed, we are deceptive and therefore directly comparable to Satan himself.
On a closer look though, there is much more to the story. For the lifetime leading up to the final self-admission, after which we generally go about telling absolutely everyone, we live in a miasma of paradox. I am male. I am female. The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false. For so much of that time we are missing the critical link that makes it all make sense, and even when we do come across it, it proves far too slippery to comprehend. Our minds scatter the evidence into self-contained, unlinked pockets of unfavorable information. Sequestered tightly with bright red warning tape and shrieking sirens that go off at the slighted approach. The concept of speaking of them is equal to someone with a crippling fear of heights egging themselves into a bungee jump. Another step and it’s all over, in the worst way imaginable. Confession isn’t so much as a considerate disclosure but a court admission of murder in the first of a white good ol’ boy in Texas where we are sure to be strapped into Ol’ Sparky for it. How can we plea to this terrible thing that after some highly selective rationalization doesn’t really apply to us anyway?
It’s not so easy though to communicate what it felt like to live in that mental prison. When we spring free, it’s with exuberance and unabashed honesty most have never seen in us before. All the dots connected, we paint a clear and compelling picture demonstrating without reservation that we are what we are and always were. After years and decades of denial, it becomes a mandate in our minds that the truth of our reality is validated not only by ourselves, but everyone around us. For anyone not living in our heads, this really, really looks like we pulled a fast one. “Ah ha! I got you, you silly gullible thing!” It’s easy to see how there might be hard feelings about this.
There was information that wasn’t shared and people got hurt as a result. It feels terrible and it can’t be undone, no matter what we might wish otherwise. ‘Deception’ though reeks of malevolent intent, and in most of our cases, that doesn’t really apply either. Much about us was far too incomprehensible to communicate. That which we did know was both too fearsome to speak and clothed in a disguise of meaningless trivial nonsense to contemplate bothering anyone with. In the end though, whether the fire was arson, or caused by simply being unable to admit that smoking in bed is dangerous, the result is the same. Destruction is destruction, and when it starts with you, you will always bear it, and it hurts the same each time you are reminded.
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Comment by HELEN BRADY on October 13, 2012 at 11:14pm -
Excellent words of wisdom, michellianna, thank you. I am one of the very rare ones who thought they had no clue until the epiphany. Now I can easily see I have always been a female person, but find it so hard to believe I never really had a clue. Blame it on the times, no internet, whatever. Even when I read about Christine J, I still never related it to me.,
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Comment by Teresa H Halley on October 14, 2012 at 8:01am -
I like your thoughts, family & friend who do not really want to understand never will. So I do not engage in explaining, it is useless to a closed mind!
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Comment by Erin Detty on October 14, 2012 at 1:40pm -
My first Therapist was religious, I learned from the experience. I think he likened me to the Deceiver, He said I picked my wife out of a crowd at the age of 18 just so I could do this to her at this time of her life, Evil,............. Evil...............Evil...... I'm talking about the Therapist.
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Comment by Dani W. on October 14, 2012 at 9:37pm -
Speaking from the point of view of a person on the receiving end of this "revelation". I can tell you it is devastating, and it is the deconstruction of a life we had planned together. I hurts so terribly, to feel I was used to make someone else try to feel "normal". My situation was, he was already a cross-dresser in secret before we met and hid it for 6 yrs we've been together. He allowed me to fall in love with a version of him but not the REAL person. Because I wasn't provided the information he already knew, I wasn't given a choice. So deceitful.. yes, I do feel deceived and fooled and humiliated.
I know he didn't purposefully set out to do this but by lying and continuing to propetuate the lies at some point purpose has to be questioned. He cheated on me with men while dressed as a women and didn't tell me. That is despicable.
And here I sit on a transgender support site trying desperately to find information that might help him in his journey because I care for him. I dont feel like I know him but the person he projected for the past 6 years was kind and supportive of me. Trying to give him a pass for what he has knowingly done to me.
Do you know that I can find none, not one support site for the people who are left in the wake of these tsunami sized declarations. That are hundreds of sites for the transgender community (and that is great) but what about the people like me? The ones struggling to put the pieces of their own life back together after this devistating blow? Where are my counterparts??? I have been broken, how will I ever trust another person ever again?
So my thought is yes, your shoes have been, I can only imagine, unbelievably difficult to walk in but before you judge people and categorize them as being close minded, consider THEIR shoes. It is not an easy path either my dear.
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Comment by Erin Detty on October 15, 2012 at 4:46am
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You are so right and I'm sorry it turned out that he wasn't honest with you that,s wrong. My wife and I are still together but its a wonder, I let her down too but I never went out on her but still our marriage will never be the same. I can't blame you for feeling lied to and humiliated, after all you seen her as more that just your best friend.
I wish I could have been all things to the people I love but I couldn't. I looked at what I wrote, my wife and I walked out of his office, I found a therapist that worked for me and so did she. I'm sorry for your loss some times we don't think of how our replies sound until the wife that has gone through this speaks out and tells her side.
I still feel bad for what I did but it could not be helped. I've tried to soften the blow but you and I know there's really is no way. I hope things get better for you soon. It dose hurt me to think I hurt my best friend too.
Erin
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Comment by Chelle Munroe on October 15, 2012 at 10:05am -
When I told my ex that I was transgender, she tried to accept it, or at least I thought she had. We became like friends and then I found out she was seeing someone and had never told me. From that point on, we knew the marriage was doomed. She felt I had betrayed her as well and there was no reconciliation. We tried in so hard to make things work for the sake of the kids, but in the end, we divorced which was a sad day for all the family. The hurt and pain my family expressed about my decision to carry out what they referred to as "this absurd idea and fantasy" was a heavy burden on my for years, but still, I knew I had to continue on. And so here I am. I am still pre-op having lost the majority of assets in the divorce and am not sure if I'll ever achieve the physical completeness, but right now, living my life as the female I am is an incredible emotional completeness that continues to drive me onward. You seem to be a very strong person and I am confident you will arise and blossom as your heart desires.
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Comment by Shari Williams on October 15, 2012 at 11:49am -
I love this! It is very truthful! Deception is a horrible thing. Sadly we often deceive ourselves before we deceive others. I can't explain how important it is that a person who has trans feeling or thinks they do to get into counseling. It is also very important to avoid a long term relationship and kids until you know where your going and can tell your partner that in an open and honest way. There may never be a way to stop the hurt of disclosure, not if it comes after a time of what seems like normalcy, then it is considered a lie.
Honesty with yourself has to come first and foremost. Once you have the courage to do that you can be honest with others. Then you can build relationships based upon full disclosure not based on a part we might be playing to avoid the truth we don't want to admit or confront right now.
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Comment by Dani W. on October 15, 2012 at 8:59pm
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I truly appreciate the thoughts and kindnesses in regards to my post. This is understandably, a hard time for all parties involved (in my world at the moment) and I really appreciate being able to openly ask questions and release my thoughts and feelings without judgement.
I am not angry that my partner might be transgender (there is some speculation it might be something else). I am angry that he knew, he had a lifestyle before me and didn't disclose it to me at anytime during the course of our very functional, kind and respectful relationship. He should have told me and then let me decide if I could handle it before he allowed me to fall completely in love with the persona he was portraying. That is what angers me.
Two weeks ago, when he said "I think I am transgender." I just died for him and held such empathy and compassion for what he must be going through. I know who I am, I have always known who I am. I feel he has absolutely no idea who he is. That MUST be the most horrible feeling imaginable. For that, I am trying to help him because he has no one else and even though he has lied and cheated and deceived, I choose to believe at some point he really did love me. He helped me through a very hard divorce.
So as friends, I am attempting to help him but as they say in airplanes when preparing for a crash "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help the person next to you." For the next few days, I am putting my oxygen mask on and helping myself come to grips with how my life looks and feels without the man I was supposed to spend the rest of it with.
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