"We are One"
"That's Not Her Real Hair You Know"
I originally dubbed the theme of this year as ‘Embrace the Awkward’. I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far and there has been no shortage of awkwardness to embrace. In fact, some days I’m positively smothered with it. My original hope of course was that the necessity would just fade away from conscious thought, just like that thing I was probably supposed to do but can’t for the life of me remember. If you are reading this while waiting for me to pick you up at the airport, I’m really, really sorry and probably already in bed, so...
Last weekend we took a nearly 200 mile road trip just to get a grilled cheese. I know, but this was supposedly the most awesome grilled cheese there has ever been. Even Guy Fieri said so. On the way there, my 5 year old was getting pretty antsy and was failing to recognize the jeux de vie and eclectic delight of driving for over 3 hours just for a sandwich I often make at home. We decided to pull over and find a playground where he could run off some steam and tire himself to hopefully sleep for the rest of the trip. We found one. A good one too of colorful plastic with those bouncy pads all around it, much unlike the steel frame monstrosities sunk into concrete slabs we delighted in back in the 70’s. We had it to ourselves until a little girl showed up to play.
I got my first compliment of the day when she asked our friend Amy if that was his mom over there, pointing to where my ex and I were sitting. She answered yes, and girl asked, “yeah, but which one?” Seriously, it made my day. Not long after though, when she and my son were sitting on the swings, he casually mentioned, “that’s not her real hair you know.” That’s nice, I finally get a wig that looks like my real hair and I’m blown in by a kindergartener. The little girl was too curious to let this go by and came over to question me about it. My ex thought on her feet and explained that some women lose their hair for a variety of reasons and thoughtfully excluded ‘male pattern baldness’ as one of them. She was satisfied and went back to playing.
Aside from the occasional “Mike” or “he” that is just going to come out of the mouths of people who have known me a long time, the gender shift has gone pretty smoothly with this one exception. Not the disclosure to the little girl, but having a very open and honest 5 year old. When we are out in public, I have pretty much given up any expectation of trying to pass. When I bought him a little wooden model, he told the cashier he was going to put it together with his dad. She asked a question, and he pointed right to me, “this is my dad right here!” He’s been calling me Maddy for months now after we adopted the naming convention thought up by Jenny Boylan’s sons, but somehow whenever we get in public, I’m all of a sudden back to dad.
In case I’m painting a whiney type picture, I need to say that aside from the mental expletive when it happens, this doesn’t bother me. I’m thrilled that he’s trying and that our relationship hasn’t suffered an iota since my change. The truth is that no matter what my gender, I’ll always be his dad and it’s never wrong for him to think that or say it out loud. It might catch me off guard, and it might be terribly awkward at times, but compared to what so many others go through with children, I’ll take this in a heartbeat.
-
Comment by Randi R. on October 22, 2012 at 6:25am -
Michelle, Great story, and it sounds to me like your son is liked most 5 year olds, they just have to tell that thing that is kinda a secret. It's so wonderful that you continue to have such a good relationship with him, keep it up. Randi
-
Comment by Kathy Murdock on October 22, 2012 at 7:48am -
Michelle I always looking forward to your next blog, you have a gift for painting pictures with words, I don’t
know your occupation but you would may a great Hollywood writer.
-
Comment by Erin Detty on October 22, 2012 at 8:17am -
Kids spot things pretty quick, sometimes they will ask, "Are you a boy or a girl" awkward at times but you do understand this as well.
I will take being called dad too because, well, I am and I always will be to my kids, plus I'm lucky that I have this level of acceptance for the changes I have brought to our lives. Our kids are the world to us.
-
Comment by HELEN BRADY on October 22, 2012 at 10:10am -
My 48 yr old son also said: "You're still my Dad, no matter what your gender is!" However I have cautioned him to PLEASE NOT call me Dad in public, but Lainie, since he doesn't want to call me Mom.
-
Comment by Dal Maxwell on October 22, 2012 at 10:18am
-
I could feel the joyous 'weight' on your heart from the dichotomy of this situation. It reminds me of there things of two of my own 'encounters' where reality gently nudged me.
Long ago (1998?) I was at my doctor's office for whatever reason. The receptionist had her chilld with her and he was playing quietly. As she and I spoke, he looked at me and asked........'Are you a boy or a girl?' His mom looked horrified but I just nodded at her not to be and I said to him...........'I'm a little of both. Is that okay?' He nodded and went back to what he was doing.
About 5 years ago, my daughter, her boyfriend, and my son, were here on vacation. We went to the LL Bean store one evening so that Allie could actually touch and see what she wanted to get as part of her occupation as a geologist. And all the while, it was 'daddy this and daddy that', which I had made peace with long before that (as I have previously mentioned) but when we were standing in line to cash out our purchases, she noticed a family staring at me. I was actually oblivious to it but she nudged me and I guess I agreed that they were. She then started telling me how rude it was for them to do that and while admitting that I would always be daddy I still shouldn't be stared at. She actually wanted to confront them, but I told her that they just didn't understand, just like she hadn't once upon a time. *sigh* KIDS!
-
Comment by Caroline Grace on October 22, 2012 at 5:09pm
-
Another wonderful story... But I need to know, how was the grilled cheese?
My son and future daughter both call me dad. And yet both use the right pronouns. They often do this in the same sentence, even when in public. I don't care much one way or the other anymore. I think that those who pick up on it get a chance to be educated. I love Dal's answer below: "Boy or girl?" "I am a little of both..." Sounds right to me...
Don't worry about passing. It will happen sooner than you could imagine. Voice, mannerism, hair, dressing - and accessories - all tell your story. You are a newborn and that means you have things to learn. With a mind as sharp as yours, that is bound to happen sooner rather than later.
Now did you notice something really important in the statement, "that's not her real hair you know..."? The correct pronoun was used. So whether or not the hair was real, you are now real - and in the proper gender, too. How awesome is that?
Enjoy as better days are coming!
-
Comment by Chelle Munroe on October 22, 2012 at 5:30pm -
I've had adults go through the process of calling me Chelle and then get someplace public and refer to me as "he", "him", etc. Once it is out of the mouth and reached other people's ears it can either cause a stir or snicker or questioning look. I found if I ignore it, the awkwardness dissipates. I'm sure there are still residuals, but life goes on and it only matters to me if I let it matter. But I will admit, it's definitely a firecracker moment that instantly turns out to be a dud. Thanks for sharing.
-
Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on October 22, 2012 at 6:02pm -
Kid's say the darndest things, but at least they say them out loud and to our face.
Comment
Hits Since 04/01/09
Top Content
Blog Posts
So, Where's Your Dad? ... She's Right There
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 19, 2013 at 8:29am 0 Comments 1 Like
It's never too late....
Posted by Brooke K. on May 19, 2013 at 6:21am 2 Comments 3 Likes
Moving forward.
Posted by Gayle Richards on May 19, 2013 at 2:14am 2 Comments 3 Likes
BEING THE ONLY ONE LIKE YOU AT YOUR COMPANY AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT?
Posted by sara simone on May 16, 2013 at 9:11pm 3 Comments 3 Likes
Buyers Beware!
Posted by Foxxe WIlder on May 16, 2013 at 12:51pm 13 Comments 2 Likes
Review: She's Not There - A Life In Two Genders 10th Anniversary Edition
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 16, 2013 at 5:42am 3 Comments 1 Like
But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy changed lots of other personal things all the time
Posted by Gidget Groendyk on May 15, 2013 at 10:42pm 0 Comments 0 Likes
Oops, maybe I have gotten too comfortable...At work
Posted by Breanne Todd on May 15, 2013 at 8:55pm 15 Comments 4 Likes
If you've had a photo not accepted - PLEASE READ THIS
Posted by PE Administrator on May 14, 2013 at 8:34pm 42 Comments 10 Likes
A Different Kind
Posted by Chelle Munroe on May 14, 2013 at 4:34pm 5 Comments 5 Likes
A random thought and definition
Posted by JinianVictoria M. Herdina on May 14, 2013 at 10:46am 10 Comments 2 Likes
BUT DADDY I HATE TO SHAVE
Posted by sara simone on May 14, 2013 at 8:04am 4 Comments 0 Likes
Nervous!!! But one step closer!!
Posted by Toni Absalonson on May 13, 2013 at 4:30pm 11 Comments 2 Likes
Gender Dysphoria is a Real Bummer
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 13, 2013 at 6:06am 3 Comments 1 Like
Invisible
Posted by sara simone on May 13, 2013 at 12:31am 2 Comments 1 Like
Mother's Day weekend
Posted by Steffie Michaels on May 12, 2013 at 8:53pm 0 Comments 2 Likes
Mothers Day
Posted by sara simone on May 12, 2013 at 7:11am 3 Comments 1 Like
Caught of Guard
Posted by Galina Edwards on May 11, 2013 at 10:41pm 4 Comments 7 Likes
Life goes on.....
Posted by Brooke K. on May 11, 2013 at 7:56am 9 Comments 5 Likes
PeWorld Map
© 2013 Created by Chloe Prince.
You need to be a member of PINKessence to add comments!
Join PINKessence