Something crazy happened to me on Friday, May 25, and I would like to share it with my friends on PinkEssence.
I was searching the web for some chess related pictures to put in a letter to my son, who likes to play chess with me, and a link popped up to Meg’s blog, Call Me Meg. I opened it and started reading and checked out the links to Stana’s blog, Femulate, which led me to Jessica Who’s blog and others. It was like something that had been dammed up inside of me burst out and flooded over me. I spent most of the day reading blogs and checking out links. I just couldn’t settle down enough to get into studying for my classes at CNM until the next day. In fact, I didn’t really finish calming down and assimilating it for about a week.
I have been cross dressing in private for about 25 years. I think I had had a weird but exciting curiosity about it for about 10 years before that, but I’m not sure. I don’t remember any feelings of wishing to be a girl when I was a kid. But I do remember feeling a bit isolated as a boy when I was about four. I had two little sisters and spent a lot of time with them and my mother and grandmother while my dad was working. I was sort of the odd one out. So I started playing with an imaginary brother!
At first it was partly a release from stress and pressure and a way to relax and just have some fun. I had been passed over for promotion in my job and was away in Texas taking a database programming class. I went out to get a few food items for my motel room and added a lipstick to the purchase. From there, I went on to more makeup items, some clothes, jewelry and a wig until I could dress up completely as a woman. I know I looked horrible (as you can tell from my picture I still need help), but it was fun and exciting and helped me escape from some of the pressure and relax.
I don’t need to “come out” to my wife and children because they already know. My wife found out when she discovered something I had missed putting away and asked me about it at bedtime. It was the most awkward and difficult time we’ve had in the 32 years we’ve been married. It took me a huge time to find a way to explain to her. But when I explained that I was still the guy she had married and still loved her and didn’t want to do anything to lose that and didn’t have any other secrets, she was accepting. When our kids gave us a getaway night at a local hotel, she encouraged me to pack my things and I dressed up for her and it was fun. We had a great night! And sometimes at bedtime I would dress up and she would play with me, stroking the bra that held in my silicone pads. One time we went out shopping for dresses together and another time we went to a local wig shop for a Halloween sale and she helped me buy a wig.
But, after a while it died down. I was working 50, 60, 70 hours a week and there just wasn’t time. When we remodeled the bathrooms, a lot of my special goodies got boxed up into storage and are still there. So, my wife may have thought it was over and worked out. And thus, since she is now retired and at home and I don’t think I can just squeeze it back into a box, we discussed it and she is supportive (at least within the confines of home).
We have started doing some clothing shopping online. She is helping me pick out things for a Halloween costume.
My children also know, at least my sons do and they probably told my younger daughter. I was dressed up and working at the computer when they got home earlier than I had expected from school and got a peek at me. When I explained what was going on, they were accepting but I never choose to do it in front of them. One son kidded me about it for years. He would wait by the door when we went out to the car and when I finally went through he would say, “ladies first!”
He hasn’t done that for a while, though, and he is not currently living with us. The other son is with us, but I think he would be accepting. He is gay and has worn a scarf for Halloween at least once, but I don’t think he is a cross dresser. I discussed it with him and he is comfortable with it. He commented, “why do you think I sometimes wear tight pants to work?” J
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. It helps me and a lot of other people be aware of problems to avoid or deal with and also gives us confidence as we try to explore and open up the feminine side of ourselves.