So do I know what I want?

So how do I really feel? What do I really want from life? Who do I want to be? What’s stopping me from achieving my goals? Am I living a lie or am I dreaming for something I don’t really want?

These are all questions I have asked myself and am still struggling with the answers. Not sure where things are going or where I want to drive them to go.

The only time I am comfortable and relaxed, confident and settled is when I am living as Jo. The special time in my life was a few days abroad last year in April when Jo got to be herself and be out and about in the area in both evening light and daytime. It was a time when I was at my happiest, my most relaxed and my most confident. I have re-created those feelings since but sadly in very limited episodes, the feeling I have of when I have to change back to my male persona are feelings of hatred and dread, a black cloud descends and the sun goes out.

My day starts waking up in a bed dressed as simply as possible and the best feeling of the day is when I reach to my chest of drawers and pull out a pair of sexy lace knickers to put on. Then as family are about I have to pull on baggy joggers and a polo shirt, longing for everyone to leave the house.

Downstairs and a cuppa to wake up by, feeling my lace and silk knickers against my skin and only I know what I have on. At 20 minutes to 9 my 14 year old son comes and says bye and as the door closes and clicks shut I am already climbing the stairs. Into the bedroom and remove all near male apparel. Through my drawers and cupboards and decide my attire for the day. Taking a bra and putting it on I then go to the en-suite for a close shave and some moisturiser for my skin. As that dries I reach for the foundation, the concealer and the blusher, my mascara and eye shadow next, eyeliner pencil and finally some lip gloss. I return to the bedroom and complete my attire with a nice little half slip, a long flowing black gypsy skirt and a baggyish pink top. My transformation is complete.

Along with my clothes comes a whole new mindset. Depression gone, confidence in bucket loads, motivation to get anything done and no sign of my male lethargy. I feel comfortable and relaxed, natural and very much at ease.
Getting to the work and making appointments, sending out an e-mail campaign, calling back those people who have called and I missed them. The door bell goes, without hesitation I jump up and answer the door. It could be the postman who usually compliments me on my make-up or clothes and for some time did not realise my male persona was in fact this woman stood in front of her. My ego always feels inflated after a conversation with her. A courier arrives with a parcel and calls me love, talks about the weather and passes over my parcel. If I have to bend he may even take a sneaky glance down my top to see my bust, so I linger just a little longer than necessary, confident my C bust is providing him with a cheap frill….if only he knew the truth.

The bell goes again and it’s a neighbour this time, she is surprised and gradually the penny drops as to who I really am and again the compliments are fast and thick. She is now a regular at coffee time and is fascinated by my cross dressing and wants to know more and even to ask questions she is yet to get the confidence to put to me. She helps with make-up hints and even helps with the way I dress, though she loves my style and dress sense and says its all so very natural. She also says I am a very different person in my fem status from my male status. She says I am much more relaxed and confident, loving, reflective and am very fem, including the emotions.

Time marches on and it comes to the time when my wife is due home. She wants nothing to do with Jo and never ever wants to see me in that persona so it’s a trip upstairs with seconds to spare. Wash off my make-up and slowly remove my clothes, with the exception of my knickers…I need a little piece of Jo and no-one will take that away.

The door goes as I am finally putting the clothes away and replacing them with baggy joggers and a baggy top. Could be equally a woman or a mans clothing, but I see them as male and as I pull them on my depression returns, the black cloud re-forms and its like my life goes on hold, until the next time. All the time longing for just a an hour to dress, desiring longer but semi-content with the feel of knickers under my joggers or trousers. I need more…I desire more…I long for more…24?7? I don’t know, do I have the balls The confidence? I have the need and desire!
Still no answers just lots of questions and lots of thoughts…what do you think?

If this were to be a full time lifestyle there would be so many people to tell and so many who will be upset and may not associate with me again but in many ways whilst this is a major consideration when it comes to Family and work colleagues there are probably less than 6 people that really matter, most of my close friends already know I cross dress, my wife knows but its not her I worry about as I am not even sure of my feelings there, but that is another story. So I guess when it comes to it it is my 3 kids and 2 close work colleagues that would be difficult to tell. Before I raise it though I need to be 100% sure that its what I want.

As for my feelings regarding my wife, well I have not loved her as a lover for many years and she knows that. She is like a sister in some ways and yet a lot of the time I feel my emotions are driven by a near hatred. All that she does annoys me, it drives me mad. Is that just because she wont accept Jo? Well yes the hatred has grown since we had that conversation but to be honest I have tolerated her and been pleasant for too many years and feel I want out. So why am I still there? Money…there has been no need to change things and embark upon running 2 houses and the costs associated and yes the hassle of divorce and the confrontation. Also my kids have been growing up and my youngest is almost 15 so next year is GCSE time and when is the right time to make the break without affecting him.

Therefore if there was no-one to move in with then stay where I am for now…now things feel different, now Jo needs freedom, life is on hold and I want more than what I have. I still dread the confrontation, anger and upset of Divorce and breaking up! There are no emotions between us so why stay. Its years since we “slept” together and I never want that…the mere thought makes me feel ill. We don’t touch and goodbye is seldom a kiss but more a cheek peck. We never cuddle or hug and seldom have a laugh together. We never do things as a couple or in a romantic situation. Is it her fault or mine…well I think her feelings are still as they once were…or so she tells me. Its me that makes sure the romance is dead and me that does not want anything loving, sexual or even tactile with her at any time. In fact I wish she would find another man and I have no problems at all with the thought of her being with another, I have even tried to help it to happen…how bad is that?

OMG…where did all that come from? What will people think? I would love you to send me your thoughts and comments, you can see how complex I am and yet a couple of decisions will make major changes in my life and will make all the difference.