It was one year ago today that Sandy Knight Dunkle passed away from complications of bariatric surgery. Sadly I was not with her and her daughter did not manage to notice and revive her in time.
As many of you know she and I had divorced prior to her death at the insistance of her daughter. I cried and was devestated the day we had our hearing. Sandy often said I did not know what love was. Sadly she was wrong.
Love for me was the support both emotionally and physically she gave me. It was the love in her eyes her fun loving attitude, the smile she had for everyone she met. It was the warm arms she held me with. It was so so many things and all she did was love me and support me through the hardest time of my life. She was with me through transition, through surgery which was terribly blotched and all the painful revisions. She even stood by while the hormonal crazies ran rampent in my body. In the end our relationship failed. Partly it was my fault I was more than a little out of my mind emotionally. There is another part too. the part where jealous people in our own community called her and told her I was doing things behind her back. Things which were vastly exagerated. We separated once and managed to get back together but the trust was never the same. I blame myself for some of it but there are a few people on here (you know who you are) That took it upon yourselves to call her and tell exagerations and outright lies.
So today. I ache for her so bad still. I miss her every minute of my life and still feel lost. I am a better person because I had her in my life and often I feel her influence watching over me. A year later and the loss is still r aw in my heart. Yes I know what love is and what loss is too.
I said in the heading that this was also the ramblings of an eclectic pagan. I have thought long and hard about my faith and what God means to me. I cannot find any part of God's supposed love around me. Loss pain and prayer resulted in not one thing to me as far as my faith was concerned. Some of you already know there are Wiccan roots in my family going back many years. I see now why. Because in the Wicca ritual and faith I have found some peace and some form of understanding of death and loss that Christian beleifs did not give. I now beleive she will be reborn and the gifts she gave me will be hers to bestow on another mortal. Because she was in many ways a Goddess on this earth. When she sang everyone would stop and listen she had a voice like no other. When she spoke it was like laughter and mirth and love was in every word and everything she said had power. I know she will be OK and will return to bless this earth.\
I only hope to be half as good a person as she.
So, as tears rain down my face, I accept my place as Wicca and renounce my faith in the All Father.
So Mote It Be