Question

Comment by Cyrsti Hart on July 25, 2010 at 10:42am

Cami, there is a lot to be said on this topic.
I am widowed. My wife and I had parameters set on my "hobby". She knew of my "pastime" before we got married and stay married for 25 years.
The problem we ran into was the "hobby and pastime" became a lifestyle. The more she gave the more I wanted.
We survived because I loved her dearly.
I believe you see so many other separations because- number one the initial bond wasn't that strong or the dynamics changed. OR
Let me use the couple I met last night as an example.
They have been together for around 20 years. They had a fight two years ago which led to him burning all his clothes. Now he paints his fingernails red and wears a bra stuffed with socks and goes to Wal Mart. He is not an effeminate and young guy.
Call me silly, put I don't see this relationship surviving?
Last night's example is not the norm with couples I have met over the years...but then again I haven't met many couples. (The cis-female view here and in my world is rare.)
The guys I interact with fall into 3 categories. 1.- "The wife" doesn't understand and flat out refuses to participate and relationship is history. 2.-CD's in remission, they would prefer to live their fantasy through me or others...until the wife finds out. She will and he goes back to the closet...pulls out a dress and the relationship is history. 3.-when he puts that dress on, he is sexually into guys. Enough said on that. Relationship is history.
Good for you! You must have an incredible relationship!
With the great majority of others the whole process becomes so much more complex than changing the outside of the body and changing the voice. (I know you know that!)
You should expect A LOT of feedback on this be prepared!
But thank you...for you and being here.

Comment by carman on July 25, 2010 at 3:47pm

always the same on the inside just getting the out side to match

Comment by Cami Kline on July 25, 2010 at 5:46pm

Thank you all. This means a lot to me knowing that the person I love dearly isnt going to become someone I dont know. Please dont get me wrong and think I am saying we have a perfect marriage because we are FAR from that. I understand that LIFE is still going to be there that we are going to still be on that lovely love roller coaster LOL. My spouse has always been girly so this is nothing new the only thing new now is going to be on the outside. That was my question in this because I just didn't want to meet someone new that I have been living with for 13 years.

Thanks again for your help and thanks for letting me be here and not sound weird lol

Comment by Melanie Cee on July 26, 2010 at 2:24pm

Cami,

Your spouse is indeed very fortunate to have you as an understanding partner. "But does the person inside change that much?" There is no one answer to your question. Speaking of my own experience with friends and family the answer is no. The core traits of person they had a long history with have changed little but they do see a more confident,outgoing,open and of course happy me. When confiding,coming out, to friends and family I tried to meet as many as possible face to face and only had to inform a few via letters,Email. The one common theme I heard was, but you are still the person we have come to like / love. This is not universal. Some people change dramatically once they come to terms with who they truly are and hrt can have a huge effect in this regard.
“Am I missing something?” The one thing we found in meeting with couples who were struggling to come to terms with transition within a relationship was that if there were other negative issues within the marriage,money,children,family,religious beliefs, this will likely be the last straw in that relationship. Another factor and this is a major item, is how will I, our relationship be precieved by family, friends, co-workers? Wow do I have some funny stories on that one. It is a huge leap for many to go from being in a hetrosexual relationship, marriage to one that will be viewed as a lesbian relationship in the case of MTF's. Especially if FFS, SRS,GRS,CRS is persued. In my own case not long after being on hrt and the physical changes to my body began to appear my spouse wrote me a letter stating she was not attracted to women but wanted me to be happy and would support me up to a point. Another issue for my wife was will our marriage still be legal? It is.

A little on our own transtition. I came out to my spouse on the night of our 18th anniversary. It was not a planned event and I really couldn't say I was trans anything.I simply told her I didn't know where I fit as far as gender. It was a tearful ending to a wonderful evening but in the weeks to come she encouraged and helped me explore a side of me she knew nothing about.There was a support group in our city and with her encouragement I attended, found a therapist and electrologist.Long story short, we will be celebrating our 35th anniversary this Nov.I will be celebrating my 8th year post op this Nov as well. Our relationship thrives but I must be honest that this past year life has thrown me a giant curve ball.Someone from my past has entered my life in a way that I could never have prepared myself for and I am struggling again and once more she is being as understanding, compassionate as anyone could hope for.

My best to you both Cami.

Comment by Caroline Grace on July 26, 2010 at 10:29pm

There are many couples I know whose marriages continued. There are couples who met before one realized they were TG and these have resulted in marriages. In several cases the marriages are decades old and the transition happened 20 years ago. In a recent support group meeting I took a poll. Of the 24 people there more than 1/2 were married. I would have guessed that the number would have been 10%. And another 25% or so that night were in comitted relationships: engaged, buying a home together, etc.

My marriage ended a long time ago... not because she knew about me being TG but because I knew it at some levels. I ended up being a single parent. My youngest is now in medical school. The point being that TG parents can make good parents. I know of several TG parents of great children, too. That includes those who are single parents and those still married.

You and your spouse can stay intact, as can your family. It happens all the time.

Your spouse is just as much the same person you met 13 years ago as you are that same person. That is to say that both of you are definitely not the same person. You have both changed and you will continue to change. You both found a way to do it together. To change some parts but keep and grow the things you admire about each other. You won't meet "a whole different person" but 20 years from now you will both be far different than you are today. It's just natural that we learn and grow from our experiences.

May you continue on your path together always.

Caroline

Comment by Lana Moore on July 27, 2010 at 7:14am

My wife and I split. I don't think I ever cried so much as the day she told me she was leaving. It's been two years now almost to the day. She left our marriage, but she didn't leave me. We are now good friends and still "partners" in regards to the parenting of our two wonderful children, but no longer man and wife. That just couldn't be. Although I will always essentially be the same person, I am not the man she married, only love remains.

Comment by Cami Kline on July 27, 2010 at 10:38am

Caroline, I love the numbers for your poll. That makes me feel good. I am in this marriage for better or worse and if the worse is looking at my spouse for the next 60 years as a woman than thats what I am going to do but to me that is NOT the worse. There are little things (with all people) that irritate me with her way more than changing her outside appereance. I also am not a "normal" person LOL. I have always known that she liked to wear pretty things and I always commented that she would make an awesome woman ( I did not realize that could actually be done at that time). When she told me that she wanted to transition I said ok. We both did research and learned a lot of information. When I was comfortable I told her a secret that I had been keeping. I am attracted to women, I have never been with a woman but.. anyway. I am glad that the PERSON isn't going to change because she has a very good personality, humor, and a wonderful heart and that is what I fell in love with not the outside person.
Lana I am sorry to hear that but also glad that you are still loved!!
Melanie congrats!!
Annabeth I completely agree with you. I have noticed all the little things changing like compassion and understanding and my personal favorite.. I can make her cry at any moment (which gives me an excuse to hold her) lol. I dont say mean things please dont think i am mean, I gotta tell ya this story from the other day, She looks at me and outta the blue says "What do I do with my wedding ring? Do I have to change it?" I looked at her, smiled and said "I was planning on buying you one like mine or if you want to get different ones we can get you one of those if you want. Its basically up to you, I will get you whatever you want." She looked at me with this look of "WHAT", looked away and started crying. I laughed and hugged her and told her not to cry its just a ring. But things like that I absolutely love.

Thank you all again for your support.

Comment by Brianna Destiny Kline on July 27, 2010 at 9:27pm

Wow I cant say to much but even in here what you said about my wedding ring even got to me on here when I read it. And I cant say enough to tell you what you mean to me as my wife. I am so pleased that you understand me and except me for who I am.

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