Prior relationships and what a spouse should reasonably expect

Comment by Nicole Aime on October 13, 2011 at 10:32pm

I see there has been quite a few views of this blog, but no comments. Perhaps I should be silent.

I've said it before and I will keep saying it - the heterosexual wife of a transitioning transsexual woman has more to lose than the trans woman herself. There are some wives who can and do stay married. What a blessing it is when a wife can love her partner as a person, rather than an ideal. How sad the wife who stays just because she feels dependent on her spouse. If you desire your marriage to survive transition, you must be a person worthy of her love.

Expectations always trump love and both partners become the losers. The trans partner cannot expect their wife to stay and support them any more than their wife can expect their trans partner to go on suppressing who she is. It's love that will either keep them together, or allow them to part as friends.

Yes, it's sad that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. But I maintain that whether those marriages are "normal" or not, it's the same principles that cause the split. Likewise the marriages that end in death survive on the same principles.

Comment by Tina Brown on October 13, 2011 at 11:53pm

Your last line Bebe:  so is your wife now 'willing' and accepting, after shock and separation.....?

 

Nicole: we've had this talk, and again, you are wise and compassionate, and dead on. It's the expectations that have me like a yo-yo: it's ok, it's awful, limited behavior COULD be ok, he's choosing 'she' over me.... ugh. I've tried to walk away completely, but I care, and the kids' needs necessitate some kind of truce and cooperation.  [sigh]

I am sorry to hear about your tough circumstances right now: you are in my prayers.

Comment by Caroline Grace on October 14, 2011 at 5:48am

While this a a pretty good post and I agree with much that is said here, I also disagree with several key points that I will briefly mention here:

 

1) Most TG women stay attracted to women post transition. I think the stats I have read are around 70%. Many marry or remarry women.

2) Everyone around a person who transitions has to transition. It is especially hard for a spouse.

3) When one spouse hides their medical situation for so long, takes actions for many months that will dramatically alter everyone's life and then finally spills the beans when it can be no longer hidden, do you think the other spouse's typical reaction will be one of anger?  The transitioning spouse showed the other spouse that they did not want to trust, to communicate, to properly prepare or educate their spouse, to allow time for reasons for transition to sink in, and so much more. It is a betrayal and an in-your-face kind of action that says I don't respect you. That would be hard for any spouse to recover from. Clearly this kind of uncaring attitude says to the spouse, "You don't matter. We are not doing this together. I am doing this alone. I don't care how you take it." So if you want the spouse to be gone, this is the perfect recipe for marital disaster.

4) Marriages do make it through transitions. I know about a dozen in my area that have done so. One couple is celebrating their 23rd anniversary. Just thought of another couple where they split and got back together (FtM).

5) Spouses of transwomen who found out they married another gender after their marriage typically do not think of themselves as lesbian. In fact, most I know get angry when people judge them as lesbian.  What they will say is things like, "I love the person. I didn't marry a penis." "If a disease took away body parts of his, I'd learn to adapt in that kind of situation. This no different.'  So one spouses transition usually doesn't change the others sexual orientation but rather they adapt to the circumstances. There is situational homosexuality even among guys like those in prisons, in areas like Alaska where the M to F ratios can be 8 to 2, and other places, too.

6) Far more GGs will marry a transwoman than will men.

 

So to me the bottom line here is a healthy marriage (home to trust, respect, caring, love & more) will survive and unhealthy ones will crumble at the first sighting of clothes hidden in a closet.

Comment by Juliet Femme on October 14, 2011 at 6:26am

Well what can i say,on such a great blog.It did hit the spot with me ,as i am only at the start of this long road.You seem  so confident in your direction in life now.Well my partner only just found out my other life,I know its going to be difficult for me in future,as she finds it or me hard to understand.I have a lot of questions to answer,but i know if i want to go full time ,i think it will end in pain for both of us.I do not want to destroy her life in this way,as its not her fault.So thanks again for a wonderful blog.

 

Comment by Rachel King on October 14, 2011 at 8:31pm

Nicole, you've never been silent before, why start bad habits now? hahaha.

I see Caroline and Nicole's comments as exactly where we should be looking, when we begin this journey.

I also see a TG as completely selfish in their desire to begin transition before they have talked to their partner.

Given that a relationship may have broken down months or years previously and may only be a shell of a marriage now, the fact that one is still in the relationship, signifies it is still a partnership and should be given the respect it is due.

No-one has the right to hide facts that have such an impact, from their partner.

It might even be said it is somewhat cowardly to do so.

To present yourself as a fait accompli is a terrible way to treat your partner and shows lack of respect to both your partner and yourself.

I blogged some time back, that, "My Wife is not a Lesbian." and it is so.

What she is, is a loving, sharing equal partner( well in my eyes, in hers because she is Thai, she KNOWS she is superior,hahaha)

We struggled with the straight/lesbian relationship for a while until Mai herself spoke to me of her complete love for me transcending her sexual need for me. Our sexual being is satisfied, make no mistake but it takes on a different shape as two women together. It's an interesting part of our journey, one that gets interrupted in a mere 2 weeks by Immigration when Mai has to return to Thaialand and the struggle begins anew.

It leaves one feeling quite humble that love reaches that far into the inner being.

I read with quiet joy of the women in our relationships who can get their head around the tremendous physchological pressures put on us in this bigotted society we all live in.

As women, we have men still putting restrictions on what we can do with our bodies, as per the new Legislation banning federally funded Insurance Companies from sanctioning abortion, even if it puts the woman at risk of dieing.

A foetus is put ahead of a woman's life.

Guess which Republican's, who would aspire to run America voted for that?( and 11 pathetic Democrats)

How long do you think your few TG rights will remain, if they win the highest office?

If this should happen, it has already been determined that a woman is next to worthless in American society, TG women will be looked on with contempt, mark my words and you think your spouse is suddenly going to look at you as a woman?

And show you respect because you hid this from her.

Damned if I would.

If and when we finally face our truth and begin our transitional journey, our partners need to be fully aware of who we are are what we need to do.

Partners need to be totally aware of how their life will be impacted by our changes.

It is only fair and reasonable in my eyes.

An endless topic this one and one I could fill up pages on, but I must be close to the Ning-nong version of so-many words, then Sayonara, you're cut off, so I shall give my attention back to Mai before she say's something to me........

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on October 14, 2011 at 9:19pm

This phenomenon that early MtFs ( so called ) seem to have a straight orientation and late MtFs orient sexually toward women has had me thinking that sexual orientation is less innate and more socially conditioned.

 From my POV I have never been attracted to men, well for a few months I believed I was but it was more like I enjoyed affirmation of my womanhood, but I wonder how I would have responded to guys if I was expected to be a straight girl among other girls?

Which segues into another subject which I found interesting. I was reading an article in a women's magazine where there is a higher percentage of middle age women "becoming" lesbians in midlife. It appears they either were lesbians and attemtpted to live the straight life, or the companionship of other women skewed into a sexual one and they figure, "why stay with a man with whom I barely relate, when I can relate both socially and sexaully with another woman?" The article continued that more woemn seem to be bisexual than men, or at least they are willing to admit it more than men.

BTW Bebe, I think you mixed in attributes of womanhood with attributes of femininity. I know a few post-ops who care less about clicking heels and pampering and prefer sneakers, blue jeans and pampering is a game of bowling. Now you have described me very well with your bullet points because I am close to an ultrafem woman, but not all females are feminine, yet it doesn't make them less of a woman.

 

 

Comment by Monica Lorraine Beaudry on October 15, 2011 at 3:36am

Bebe, A very good post showing your point of view. It gave me some things to think about and consider. This may be how your circumstances made the events unfold for you, but the more I lean from posts such as these is we are all quite unique in spite of our similar desire to be feminine. I guess this uniqueness is applicable to those around us as well and can ultimately change how our lives unfold especially when it comes to our wives. Some can be flexible or even have lesbian tendencies (sigh), while others can be quite opposite and depending on the person can bring about hurt and/or anger. Your story could likely be very common, but not necessarily the end result for all as I keep hoping to be able to add the phrase "supportive wife" to my profile )                  As far as being attracted to men, in my case I really have had enough of dealing with them throughout my own "male" side of my life and don't think I could ever relate to one sexually. But then that is just me.

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