"Helen,
We are generational and it pains me to see the opportunity that young ones have and waste, all in the name of " doing the right thing," which is a misnomer because " doing the right thing" is not doing the right thing by…"
"We are One"
PLEASE, try to Remember...
Its no secret, I can be a complete bitch... some people absolutely HATE me... and 99% of the time, it has revolved around the politics of PINKessence.
Lately, I, Kristy and Lana have been working hard for ALL of you to enjoy your experience here on PE, more and more. We're steping up our efforts... in that spirit, I'd like to share this comment that came to me by someone that took the time to let me know privately, what they feel needs looked at here in the membership of PE.
"...a website should not make you feel worse. It should help you feel better."
Pretty simple words... huh?
It should be that simple... but we all know otherwise.
May I please gently remind (again) the users of this site of our standing rule of "NO NEGATIVITY".
This means, DO NOT use PINKessence or the members of this site in your "sage" observations of what is or maybe wrong with: PE, the trans community or what annoys you.
PE is a support social network to share YOUR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. We offer "support" in the form of these shared experiences when someone reads YOUR experiences. However, when we start judging others, this will intimidate or alienate others from sharing... opening up... or just letting out the pain.
PLEASE... let them "get it out"... what ever "it" is they may be needing to "share" or "express".
PLEASE refrain from pointing out or handing out ANY unsolicited advice, or observations of others in ANY form - Public or Privately... in PE or outside of PE.
If someone writes in a Blog they are seeking advice - by all means, have at it.
However,
People come to PE and other sites like it, looking for "Support".
Please remember that --as a member here-- you have a responsibility to "Help" not HURT or confuse... and ONLY if someone asks for it, should you THEN carefully offer advice in the form of your own experience.
Otherwise, talk, chat, blog, etc, about the things you are an expert on - namely, YOURSELF.
Point someone in the right direction by offering your own testimony of truth, if they want it.
Lets remember to not "Generalize" either. This can also hurt people.
An example of this dialog would sound like this: "I find it annoying when SOME PEOPLE post/say Blah Blah Blah..."
That is not being clever nor obtuse... and your HURTING someone intentionally or unintentionally. Either-way, its unnecessary pain that they DID NOT COME TO PINKessence FOR.
Remember, being a Transperson, spouse, GG or otherwise, doesn't necessarily make ANYONE an expert on all things trans, or otherwise... except an expert on their own experiences thus far.
There are many ways to discuss issues that bother you in a more "Constructive" way.
For Example, using the reference above - instead of saying: "I find it annoying when SOME PEOPLE post/say Blah Blah Blah..."
A more receptive way of expressing yourself would be to say:
"...I am often puzzled by certain issues or behaviors I see and read about because they remind me of the things I really dislike about myself, or things I have already or yet to over come. This can be a challenge to sort out, and at times, difficult to empathize with others experiencing these situations or issues."
This type of comment puts YOU right out in front of the bus, instead of someone else under it. More often than not, when done correctly, the reader instead of being offended, will extend their experience of feeling the same or identifying with the same issue, and maybe even take it as a subtle hint to look at themselves and ask questions "Are they talking about me... Is that me...?? Am I doing that, TOO?"
This won't guarantee that someone wont be offended, but it will sure help with softening the blow with a velvet hammer, instead of being mistaken as an arrow through the heart.
Please...
STOP AND THINK.
Try to remember, that many people coming in here, need a place to express themselves for the first time. Allow all members to feel at home to "be themselves", even if its to humor their photoshopped pictures, or idea's that may be different than your own.
People are scared... PE is for many people, their first tip-toe out of the closet, and into self discovery.
Please... try to remember.
Comment
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Comment by Christen Bustani on September 17, 2010 at 12:58pm -
I believe Josie and Chloe have hit upon the very crux of the issue. Many are not looking, it is true, for anything but corroboration. I see decisions and life choices being made by those who only hear what they want to hear - these individuals seem to heed the advice of only those who are like minded and often shun or vehemently denounce others opinions in a very public and scathing way. I believe in offering viewpoints and perspective rather than advice. I can only claim what has worked for me - for others, we cannot fully know the full scale of their lives, the nuances and details, and the repercussions which could ensue for offering to others what they should do or decisions they should make.
If ever anyone asks advice, the best I believe we can do is to offer perspective from our own vantage and to advise them to seek others as well so that they may form a more clear understanding of the choices and decisions which will affect them personally in their own lives.
In my own thoughts on this, I try to provide perspective to others by describing my own life experiences and outcomes in my own journey. I try to do this in such a way such that others can visualize and use these experiences, along with hopefully many others, to better be able to think through possibilities and details regarding their own journeys. In this way, perhaps, they may feel more comfortable with what decisions and choices they will ultimately make for themselves.
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Comment by Josie Guida on August 26, 2010 at 1:10am -
@Sharon, thank you.
@Chloe, Thank you and your welcome.
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Comment by Chloe Prince on August 26, 2010 at 12:52am -
Josie, wow - very helpful... thank you!
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Comment by Sharon on August 25, 2010 at 11:05pm -
Well stated.
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Comment by Josie Guida on August 25, 2010 at 1:22pm
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As I read through this thread, my perception is that people are looking for corroboration on their point of view. To me this is not advice, advice is something that a person has lived through in a given situation or topic; this firsthand knowledge is a point of view that can be shared. The receiver of this has to want to hear and understand the advice.
We shouldn't solicit unwarranted advice to or from anyone; this is part of being tactful. Just because someone is venting their situation doesn't mean that person needs rescuing. It just means they want to talk, they want it to be heard that they are confused or hurt or happy. It is a natural course of action for everyone in a community. If we can learn to wait for a question from the person venting, then we can respectfully express our personal insight on the matter. Unless you have lived through the situation yourself you can't comment on it with any dignity, thoughtfulness or firsthand knowledge. Without firsthand knowledge you are just quoting what you have heard and at first this might work but as time goes by, this becomes tacky and you start presenting yourself in an undignified way, which will always cause others to "attack" your point of view.
We all want to be heard and respected. This too is a natural progression of person. However we need to give respect to each other’s space, idea’s and needs before we can receive respect. Respect is not earned it is given. If you don’t understand something someone has written, then ask a question, don’t try and tell them how they are feeling, so you can feel better about your insecurity of the topic. If we express ourselves with dignity, then our advice will come across in a positive manner to those seeking it.
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Comment by Chloe Prince on August 25, 2010 at 11:22am
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Marsha - Exactly.
Lets look at it this way – Negativity vs Spam.
Our website and membership is not a personal pin cushion for anyone with the need to just "yell", "lecture" or "degrade" via long winded diatribes... no more than we are a place to spam ones personal business, books or projects unless it #1 has something to do with our sites target audience, and #2 has been given proper clearance through the sites admins to be subjected to the membership for their consideration. Now, anyone of you could argue that you have a "right" or "need" to do otherwise were Spam is concern... I mean after all, every TG out there has a book their writing and wants to advertise (right?) - but that DOESN"T mean I am going to allow it here in our circle. It gets redundant, and becomes white noise where we have already established a center for clarity and harmony. Even still, there will be those that say – “I’m special.. the those rules don’t really apply to me, do they?” We have a book club – that is where books are talked about – not spammed in blogs and personal emails in our PE network. There are groups for certain subjects too.. we need to utilize them more. And there are times and places to express anguish, suicide thoughts and pain – chat, usually not the place… but a private chat would be good with some trusted friends, etc.
There is a proper way to express disappointment, frustration and even negative thoughts... I am not saying we should NOTR share them... what I asking is that we not take AIM at anyone, and consider VERY carefully if what we have to say is going to contribute to the goal of helping someone, or hurting...
Granted there will be times we need to all share our pain - and I hope you will... but consider this:
Shaming someone is never a good thing - helping them to see a mistake or a faux pas sometimes is difficult at best to not hurt their feelings - but also remember, silence can be deafening, too...
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Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on August 25, 2010 at 10:31am -
Christina,I see your point but Chloe I think has a good point, if one is soliciting advice then fine, but often we come here to vent and we are not looking for anyone to fix things.Or leave the logic at the door and let me cry on your shoulder or scream a bit until I feel better. That's what girlfriends are for, yes?
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Comment by Shirley on August 24, 2010 at 10:04pm -
I agree Chloe - This is your site, a lot of very hard work and intense thought went into it - Common sense should prevail with most folks - Treat others in a way, you would wish to be treated (yourself) - My own thoughts has always focused on the issue at hand - concerning all dialouge, although I now realize that there are some issues, that are best to be left as silent - "BUT" - I do appreciate the freedom provided in the "Cat Room" - where people can speak their mind - Without the fear of being muzzled.... / I prefer the "Real" world - Warm regards - Shirley
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Comment by Christen Bustani on August 24, 2010 at 8:51pm
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One should always consider their remarks as their own opinion, should take care to not present in a bluntly staccato manner. Although one may not always agree with an opinion or conclusion drawn by another, one can learn to appreciate alternate opinions and thoughts by others and tactfully present their own thoughts and rebuttals in a manner which is non-threatening. Doing so creates a less vengeful atmosphere and a greater likelihood that others will take the time to assess the opinions we write!
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Comment by Ar'lene on August 24, 2010 at 4:29pm -
Chloe, you said it better then Blah, Blah Blah did... ;-)
Pink Smiles! And yes Chloe you do put The PINK in PINKessence!!! Love it Dianne!
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