As some of you know I am married to a woman who knows and accepts me as a 4 month old son. And since I'm on here it's a pretty safe assumption that I am TS. Over the past month or better I have been seriously considering if I should pursue transition right now. It's been a big struggle with me and everything suffered. My relationships, my work, my demeanor, everything. My relationship with my wife and son have been especially hurt - I have had no interest in being with either of them for any length of time. Me, my thoughts and the internet have been constant companions. In my mind it distilled down to two major questions, both posed by a number of transitioning girls I know personally in real time:
1) Is it a Want or a Need?
2) Are you will to give up everything in your life?
These were the questions. And in the end, it was a talk with my wife in bed on Monday that answered it. I can't. I simply can't risk my relationships with my wife and baby boy. I would miss my best friend and my son's smile. I simply couldn't do it.
Tuesday I told my wife of my decision and I spent the rest of the day dealing with a profound grief. I don't remember anything of Tuesday afternoon or evening, except the grief. In the end, my wife asked if I was OK and I expressed how much I was grieving, how I felt everything I put in for the past 18 months or longer felt like a waste, and how I feel I have let some of my best girlfriends down. We talked, and we revealed she would miss Felicia if she wasn't around and that she hoped that she would go out with me as Felicia more. It felt good to hear those words.
Yesterday was spent completing grieving and re-evaluating my position. Now what? What does it mean? For me I've decided to be philosophical, that even though transition is indefinitely suspended, I can still work on everything else. I still have a ton of work on my voice and mannerisms, plus my appearance is not where I want it to be. And with some pending financial items on the horizon, this will allow me to tackle those problems without worrying that I will miss some electrolysis or not be able to buy some hormones. As well it will allow me to enjoy my family without the Sword of Damocles dangling over my head.
In the end, I think this will be actually a good thing. My persian flaw has always been a lack of balance. I find something interesting or important I zero in to the detriment of everything else. Perhaps this is God(dess)'s way to pulling back on my reins and really teach me how to find a balance.