One Last Time...

Comment by Nicole Aime on October 14, 2010 at 12:22pm

Oh Deborah. Your saga is so heartbreaking. You have been so supportive, and received rejection in return. It's something that defies logic, at least logic based on any experience that I have had. I wish you would stay with us. You are the one who needs our support now and we all benefit by knowing you.

Being an eternal optimist and a believer in the power of love, I hold out hope for you. But even if this hope disappoints, I know you will fair well in the future, because you are a strong, compassionate and gracious woman. Right now your head is spinning, "What's going on here?" Someday you will look back in clarity and realize that this storm has made you stronger. Go well, lovely lady.

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on October 14, 2010 at 5:55pm

Hi Deb,

I always try to temper anyone's grievances with the knowledge there is another side of the story to be told and usually truth lies in the middle, but I get the feeling from what I see in you and Roxanne's profile pages and history on PE, that you seem to have made a valid attempt at retaining a relationship with her but she has emotionally detached herself from you. There is also something intuitivly indicating to me that what you say lies close to the truth so I feel very badly for you because is appears Roxanne is absorbed into other people and things and not bringing you along for this transition.

It really troubles me that you have tried to make compromises, whereas my spouse had NO compromise in her so I would have loved to be married to someone who allowed me self expression as myself, a female.

I hope you are able to work this out with her but I would not close the account quite yet. This playground is welcome to all, so please don't feel she has more right here than you.

Hugs,
Marsha

Comment by Juliet Femme on October 14, 2010 at 8:07pm

Hi Deborah,I am so sorry its turned out this way for you.You have been so good to your partner,only to be treated in this way.What can i say but we are not all like that in life,i do hope you can find a new life and be happy again.I do wish you all the best for the future. Hugs from Juliet.

Comment by Christen Bustani on October 15, 2010 at 12:23am

Hi Deb,

I remember when you first came to PE in support of your partner and I thought it so beautiful a gesture. I recall that you were trying so hard to be a part of her new life as she began to explore the boundaries of her feminine self. And it saddens me to read what I have just read and my heart breaks to know what has happened and what may be yet to come.

For someone who has been there for her spouse, has given up the acceptance of their own family and has given of themselves to try to meet halfway, it is disparaging and disheartening to find that she could not do this for you.

I have seen so very often, how so many like myself, discover their inner feminine selves, realize acceptance and friendships in ways we never dreamed possible and take off on our newly discovered paths only to leave the ones we made a commitment to behind in the dust.

If there is one thing I have come to learn, it is the definition of what truly a woman is and what she encompasses. It is not the pretty and feminine clothes, it's not the high heels and short skirts, it's not just the kinship we share with other women, moreso, I see it as the ability to nurture, care for, love and empathize with others - putting others whom we love first ahead of our own selves and our own needs. It is what a mother does for their child and what she would do for her family. It is this empathetic, nurturing, sensitivity and caring which defines a woman.

Sadly, I see too often, partners of transgender women who have tried to be there for their spouses, have been there to support them to spread their wings, and who have been their steadfast supporters - suddenly be left in the dust as they spread their wings and leave the nest without thought of who helped them achieve their ability to fly.

In my own relationship with my partner, I have come to appreciate what she has done for me and has given up for me. She has made strides to do just what you have done for your partner and has helped me to see my way. I could very easily and quite comfortably - without hesitation or qualm - transition fully now - but I work with her as we progress slowly and progressively down the longer road ... together. In this way we will work together and there will one day be a goalpost in sight - but we do it with concern and caring for each other every step of the way.

I hope that your partner can 'see' to be the true woman she portends to be and to realize what you have given to her - and what you have given up for her to be herself - and that hopefully she can look into her heart to be a true woman.

I wish you both the very best and hope that you will both be able to work this through....

Hugs!

Christen

Comment by Shirley on October 15, 2010 at 3:00am

I feel your hurt and sadness / I can only speak for myself - I would never compromise who I am or how I felt, but I realized this early on in my life & experimented with different relationships, and by the age of 30 - I came to the conclusion that "(Straight)" women want "MEN" who are happy being men - I believe that is your reality / Why on earth be dishonest, with myself & end up making an innocent person"s life a disaster !! - I am no saint, but I just tell it like it is... / Better to have stayed alone, and keep things simple .... But, thats me only.... / I am looking for someone like me !! LOL !!! - Wishful thinking !!!
"Sweetheart" you deserve some happieness in your life - Make a fresh start and make some new friends !! - Luv Ya - Shirley

Comment by Deborah Swainhart on October 15, 2010 at 7:26pm

Thank You everyone for being so kind and truthful. I don't want this... I love my spouse very much dispite everything. I don't know why I want to hold on....love I guess. I know what we had is in my spouse somewhere. Everytime I say that ... my spouse thinks I mean THE MAN... I don't... I mean the person. But I guess I ruined any chance of anything every being... The dreadful words I said in the very beginning... "I don't want to be married to a woman!" and I didn't... Why is it wrong for me to feel that way? I didn't marry a woman. But that was in the beginning.


My spouse has held on to those words even dispite our talks of trying to work things out. Of trying to do things together. Of trying to make things about us VS... just my spouse and his gender change. Maybe if those things would have been focused on instead of gender... I could have changed my mind.... But I wasn't given any opprotunity. I didn't know that I filled him up with so much hate for me with those words. And no matter what I said.... my words of wanting to fix, repair, us, together, love.... didn't matter. Because in the back of his mind was "I don't want to be married to a woman."

I can only blame myself.

Comment by Nicole Aime on October 15, 2010 at 10:23pm

Deborah, I have heard similar words, like, "I married a man, not a woman" and yes they hurt, but they are valid words, valid feelings. And, if Roxanne is truly a woman, she should be able to understand that.

It doesn't matter that I told my finance' about my "issue" before we were married. I did what any true blue prince charming would do when he saw a tear in his princess' eye, I promised it would fix it. I'm not sure she believed that, but she did not have the courage to call off the wedding. So we got married.

I married her as a man and I promised to love her, cherish her, to have and to hold her in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse and to be faithful to her and only her until death do us part. Those are serious words. You did the same thing, and I see that you take your responsibilities very seriously too.

Now, as I desire to start living my life as the person who I truly am, I am trapped. Am I violating my vows? No. Perhaps it could be argued that the vows were never valid, since I was really not a man. Is my wife violating her vows? It could be argued that she is, since she rejects me (you know, the better or worse, or in sickness and in health parts).

I don't know why I wrote all that. But you can see, and I know you feel, how confusing this whole thing is. You are faithful to your vows, there's no question about that. Do you feel that your vows are invalid because your husband lied about his gender? I don't think so. Rather, you were expressing the fact that your hopes and dreams for your marriage have been shattered. However, you are willing to entertain new hopes and dreams because of your love for Roxanne.

I hope and pray that Roxanne can somehow understand what you are saying. Your love is true. Is her love true? Only time will answer that question for sure.

Please don't blame yourself. Just find another way to express what you feel. Your feelings are valid. If that don't work, find another way to express them. And another. Maybe, just maybe, Roxanne will finally understand and realize that your love for her is true and pure. If she cannot see that, then perhaps there is some lucky person out there who will.

Comment by Kiara L. Hudson on October 18, 2010 at 12:28am

Oh Deborah! My heart truly goes out to you. I agree with Nichole. I too am an optimist and believe in the power of love even though I know my life if spinning out of control at times. Im still looking for someone to love me and do all those things that you appeared to have in your relationship in the beginning. I do hold out hope for you in the future too, love. I truly wish you would stay as it breaks my heart. These are the times in which one *can* confide in those that are close or in similar situations like Ive seen in a lot of girls here; and these times Im sure the love and compassion that we feel for each other here can and have been extended to you. Dont be afraid to draw strength from us. We love you
*God bless*
*hugs you tight*
Kiara

Comment by Donna Wren Davis on October 10, 2011 at 8:31pm

Im so sorry your going through this,wish i could say something smart or witty that would help.Just know theres some one who does care  and wishes you were not in so much pain.Maybe in time it will get better.Love Donna

Comment by Deborah Swainhart on October 11, 2011 at 4:13pm

Thank You Donna....

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