"We are One"
OMG! I took another step out!
And I survived. OK, it wasn't much, but this morning I decided to take a small step out of the closet so I went up the street to mail some bills as Ariella. I prefer casual to glam, so I went with a denim skirt, a pair of George thigh-high stockings, huaraches, one of my favorite floral shirts (VERY femme print), a couple of silver and turquoise Navajo bracelets, just a little makeup (Great Lash mascara, L'Oreal Kerry's Rosewood lipstick, just enough eyebrow pencil to highlight), and hair back in a high ponytail with a pink tie to coordinate with the pink in my blouse.
Even sitting here writing this, I can't believe I did what I did. I was so scared I thought I'd pee myself. My wife doesn't know my "secret" (or she hasn't let on if she does). We've lived in this neighborhood for 21 years. We know EVERYONE and and the post office is just a few blocks up the street from us. Once I got out and on the way I started thinking, "What the hell am I doing? What if I run into (fill in the blank with about twenty names) ? How do I explain how I'm dressed and how I look?" I decided that if I'd gotten this far, I might as well go the route, and I'd deal with that if it came up. No problem, though. My errand didn't take long, I didn't encounter anyone I knew, and I made it back dry (no pee!) and without having a stroke, but it WAS tense. And exhilarating. And liberating. My first time out as Ariella Michelle and not just as androgynous Michael. Not sure when I'll do it again or if I'll do it this close to home when I do, but. . . . I did it! After a lifetime in the closet I stepped out, if only for a little while. Overall it felt pretty good.
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Comment by lynn nickols on September 14, 2012 at 7:02pm -
I am proud of you I remimber the first time i was out Each time will get better
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Comment by Jamie Robin Gardner on September 14, 2012 at 7:23pm -
It will get easier each time. After awhile going out in boy mode will feel like drag.
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Comment by Caroline Grace on September 15, 2012 at 8:22am
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Terrific post! It fully captures the moment.. senses are heightened, fear is present and alert, a desire to be your true self joins hands with the courage of integrirty = things that you never mustered up at the exact same time before...
30 years from now you will remember this moment because it is that special. Thanks for sharing it with us...
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Comment by Chelle Munroe on September 15, 2012 at 9:23am -
Welcome to the world that most of us have been in when we first stepped out into the real world as our new selves. You described it fantastically because I went through the whole gamut from excitement to fear to accelerated heart rate to true peacefulness and calm. Fantastic! Thanks for sharing and good luck as you continue on with your journey.
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Comment by Maria T on September 15, 2012 at 9:41am -
that sound like a great experience! i know you feel i have only been out a couple of time and it scared the &*^ out if me but i love how great if felt! All the best to you!!
Maria
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Comment by Brenda Kaitlin on September 16, 2012 at 1:42am -
Honey, way to go. I hope each step you take is easier.
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Comment by Julia on September 16, 2012 at 7:44am
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Congrats! It must have been wonderful and liberating for you, I'm sooo happy for you! I just can be myself usually in my house and in my holidays, but there I'm also outside as Julia and I've had the last time in August the same mixed emotions as you write, when I made a little walk outside, but I enjoyed it and was so happy that I had dared to do it! You can be proud of you and your wonderful new experiences! Huggggss!
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Comment by Kimmy Martin on September 16, 2012 at 4:22pm -
That is a great story and a big step.
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Comment by Ariella Michelle Hellerman on September 19, 2012 at 12:43pm -
Thanks for the kind comments and support, everyone! Now I know I can do it. BIG hugs to all of you!
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Comment by Annette Brunette on September 21, 2012 at 11:41pm -
Feels good, doesn't it? I remember my first time out was back in '95 and I was heading to a local tg support group called the Tiffany Club. But when I got to the car I discovered I'd left my lights on and had a dead battery. I had no choice but to sneak back up to my apartment and borrow my (female) roommate's car keys. So I moved her car next to mine, jump started it and returned her key. To my surprise the world didn't end and no one seemed to notice but girl I was glad to be on the highway. So I got to the club and walked in the door and I nearly fainted. I saw a tg person I knew from the "civilian" (outside the tg community) world! It turned out we had both attended another Tuesday night club for years and neither of us had a clue. When I calmed down she looked at me, smiled and said, "Don't worry...your secret is safe with me." After my heart rate returned to normal I chatted with a number of ladies and had a very pleasant evening. I joined the club that night and have been a member since. I went back every week for about a year and met many wonderful people. If you have the opportunity, I'd highly recommend joining a tg support group in real time.
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