"We are One"
Non-tragic transition
Everyone has a different transition and often too many of them are tragic. For me, transition hasn't been tragic. There are a number of reasons why mine isn't tragic, among them being who I associate with, having thick skin, I'm able to live on my own, respect earned as an Army veteran, a little luck, and not presenting myself as a weak target. Bottom line, I don't care what you think of me and I don't need your approval (your boss is the only exception to this rule)! I'm going to do what I have to do to live a happy and fulfilled life and if you don't like it then don't talk to me. I keep things civil and will walk away from any fight I can, but if you have such hatred towards me that you wish to inflict harm upon me, you better take me to the ground and you had better kill me... I promise you, there will be hell to pay if you do neither! I'm that delicate rose, sweet, kind hearted, best friend you'll ever have type of lady, and that's the way I wish I could always be, but some people are just asking for the thorns and don't want to simply agree to disagree and walk away.
I do take a rather hard stance now, but it's not like I've always been ripe for the transition. As I read about Amanda Todd committing suicide after intense bullying I was reminded that I was once weak and fragile. Compared to other stories I've heard my experiences pale in comparison, but it doesn't matter; being bullied is being bullied. My weak mind at the time didn't know how to handle being bullied and I felt like I never had anyone to turn to. I love my parents, but they were anything but helpful when it came to school affairs, the teachers didn't take me seriously, and I didn't have many friends. The effects of bullying put me through just about everything except for suicide, drugs, and alcohol, so for me there never was an "escape". "Escape" was scarier to me than what I was already going through. I noticed at about 7 years old that I related more with the girls than I did the boys, but didn't dare explore my feminine side out of fear that I would be bullied further and punished severely at home.
In hindsight my bully experience was usually name calling and light contact against me, but the depression never went away, I didn't feel safe, and in my mid teen years I reached my threshold. My teen rebellious phase was me becoming a loner, unable to trust anyone, uncaring of others' feelings, cold, and heartless at times. I wasn't a badass rebel, an emo, or a goth, I was more of a lost soul who was tired of letting people push me around and I needed to find my own path. This led me to joining the Army as a way to strengthen myself and to do something worthwhile in my life, but a lot of my motive was wanting to later seek revenge. Those who had done me wrong were thousands of miles away from me and what I wanted to do to them would land me in Leavenworth (military jail). When I deployed to Iraq in 2003 I remember thirsting for blood and still being pissed off. I wanted to engage the enemy, I wanted to feel the recoil of my M16 as I hear him scream his last breath and watch him bleed to death, but what I wanted most of all was for people to see the heartless look in my eyes while I do it. Thankfully, I never saw combat in either tour and started calming down after returning home.
In 2010 I was finally starting to find my balance between no self-worth and vengeful rage and for various reasons decided it was time to part ways with the Army. I've been to both extremes and neither are any way to live. It took a while, but I grew up in the Army and got what I needed out of the experience. The qualities I gained in the Army were re-enforced by the martial arts Master I currently train under. The most important quality to me is an overall high standard of life and there's no room for constant anger and negativity in that life. I had let go of those who had wronged me in the past, but there was one more inner conflict that needed to be addressed if I was to ever live a truly happy and fulfilled life. Earlier this year I could no longer tolerate the inner conflict that had been effecting me for the last 20 years and come out as transgender. The time seemed right for me to transition. I felt like I finally had the inner strength necessary to endure the backlash of transition. Just because I didn't lose it all doesn't mean I couldn't have or that I wasn't prepared to.
Nothing in my life is tragic; it's just life. We are who we are and we're forced to make the choices that we feel are best given all available inputs. At the time I felt like my life was a living hell, but I'm just thankful that my personality didn't allow more dangerous/permanent solutions as possible inputs, rather they forced me to find a way to overcome whatever problems I had. The stronger personality I developed in the last 20 years has allowed me to transition with confidence. Yeah, I'm a bit of a hardass who doesn't tolerate intolerance. It's part of my personality that makes me who I am and also makes it 8 months full-time and the happiest I've ever been in my life. It works for me, because I'll be damned if I don't life my life to the fullest!
-
Comment by HELEN BRADY on October 13, 2012 at 10:41pm -
Thanks for sharing. I think the attitude expressed in your first paragraph is important to have an "easier" transition.
I also had a mostly non-tragic transition. The day I realized I had always been a female person inside, was the last day I lived as a "man." My attitude was: This is me, if you don't like it, I don't care but I won't have anything more to do with you.
Like most already employed, I was fired for being trans (the document said for wearing a skirt and wigs; even though I had worn wigs for 7 years there and everyone knew it. My friend and lover I refer to as my ex remains friends but says she can't handle seeing me in person as a woman. (I thought it was funny that the women all wore pants but as we know, that's OK.)
I tried the EEOC angle, but there are haters in there too who stopped my suit.
And like you, I have never been happier in my life. I live stealth, few except my immediate associates know I am trans. Those that do respect me and treat me as if I were a born physical female. And I have no problem sometimes discussing trans issues (mostly of others) with them, privately of course.
-
Comment by Julia Giannopoulos on October 14, 2012 at 12:02pm -
You are indeed a strong woman Claire.
I was always a bully. A bully in high school and a bully to myself as I was transitioning. Not taking NO as an answer forced open doors that those who did not want me to transition had thought they closed. After brow beating my family after they closed the door behind me allowed me to gain the upper hand with them and forced them to listen to my logic and reasoning.
Not standing for failure meant success.
I was bloodied and bruised but won.
Excuses and cowardice are exactly that.
-
Comment by Erin Detty on October 14, 2012 at 1:30pm -
Mine has been for the most part uneventful my wife and I have had our problems, I have things with my family but not transition related. Something at work is going on but I'm going to wait it out and see where it leads, hopefully things will just die down.
If anything I have got to learn believe in myself more. I have wonderful friends that have pointed this out and I love them for it:)
-
Comment by Galina Edwards on October 14, 2012 at 2:07pm -
Good for you. A girl after my own heart. It is very in-powering to take charge of your own affairs and live.
By the way, It was in the 6th grade when twins decide to beat me up in the boys room in 1959. I guess it was bullying or they wanted to have bragging right but it did not end up they way they imagined. I was a little smaller and there was two of them but they were the ones on the floor and no one ever bothered my again.
Hugs, Galina
-
Comment by Erin Detty on October 14, 2012 at 2:38pm
-
Galina, that's a good one, I love a happy ending.
-
Comment by Caroline Grace on October 15, 2012 at 6:30am
-
The hardest battle is trying to believe that our surrender is what we need to win the most... It is not "fight or flight" that will get us to where we need to go, but rather sitting - in quiet acceptance - of our TG reality. You simply can't out tough the truth...
And it seems you are on the road of that great truth...
-
Comment by Chelle Munroe on October 15, 2012 at 10:23am -
I enjoyed reading your honesty and strength of conviction. It took a long time for me to be able to come out and truly be myself. For too many years I remained silent and lived in the silence. Even after I came out to my ex, I let others, mainly my parents and siblings, control my life in the sense that I just crawled into the silence and embraced it. That was more painful than anything else I have experienced because it left a deep emotional scar that at times, I'm still have to battle. Thanks for sharing this.
-
Comment by Dal Maxwell on October 15, 2012 at 10:38am
-
Although the time frame is off by decades, I see myself in your post. And I agree with so much of what you wrote, expecially the part about putting aside your anger and finding your balance. Good for you, Claire!
-
Comment by Claire DeLap on October 24, 2012 at 5:58pm -
Thanks for the input ladies, I always appreciate it. I love reading everyones experiences and hearing your take on it all. I've been meaning to sign on here for a while, but have been keeping busy with school, work, and trying to fit some kind of recreation in there too. I think I'm becoming a workaholic LOL
Comment
Hits Since 04/01/09
Top Content
Blog Posts
If you've had a photo not accepted - PLEASE READ THIS
Posted by PE Administrator on May 22, 2013 at 7:30pm 42 Comments 10 Likes
When I Think About Me, I Touch Myself?... Uh, No
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 22, 2013 at 5:47am 0 Comments 1 Like
Ooooh that smell
Posted by sara simone on May 21, 2013 at 11:42pm 0 Comments 0 Likes
April 2013
Posted by Janelle Dawn on May 20, 2013 at 9:21pm 1 Comment 0 Likes
Finnally made the decision.
Posted by Allison Nichole Stover on May 19, 2013 at 10:44pm 10 Comments 5 Likes
So, Where's Your Dad? ... She's Right There
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 19, 2013 at 8:29am 2 Comments 3 Likes
It's never too late....
Posted by Brooke K. on May 19, 2013 at 6:21am 5 Comments 7 Likes
Moving forward.
Posted by Gayle Richards on May 19, 2013 at 2:14am 4 Comments 7 Likes
BEING THE ONLY ONE LIKE YOU AT YOUR COMPANY AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT?
Posted by sara simone on May 16, 2013 at 9:11pm 3 Comments 3 Likes
Buyers Beware!
Posted by Foxxe WIlder on May 16, 2013 at 12:30pm 12 Comments 2 Likes
Review: She's Not There - A Life In Two Genders 10th Anniversary Edition
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 16, 2013 at 5:42am 6 Comments 1 Like
But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy changed lots of other personal things all the time
Posted by Gidget Groendyk on May 15, 2013 at 10:42pm 0 Comments 0 Likes
Oops, maybe I have gotten too comfortable...At work
Posted by Breanne Todd on May 15, 2013 at 8:55pm 16 Comments 4 Likes
A Different Kind
Posted by Chelle Munroe on May 14, 2013 at 4:34pm 5 Comments 5 Likes
A random thought and definition
Posted by JinianVictoria M. Herdina on May 14, 2013 at 10:46am 14 Comments 2 Likes
BUT DADDY I HATE TO SHAVE
Posted by sara simone on May 14, 2013 at 8:04am 4 Comments 0 Likes
Nervous!!! But one step closer!!
Posted by Toni Absalonson on May 13, 2013 at 4:30pm 11 Comments 2 Likes
Gender Dysphoria is a Real Bummer
Posted by Michelle Wolf on May 13, 2013 at 6:06am 10 Comments 3 Likes
Invisible
Posted by sara simone on May 13, 2013 at 12:31am 2 Comments 1 Like
PeWorld Map
© 2013 Created by Chloe Prince.
You need to be a member of PINKessence to add comments!
Join PINKessence