My Silence – My Life

Comment by HELEN BRADY on August 21, 2012 at 12:03am

Sweetheart, were you here I would give the biggest hug you ever had. I so sympathize with you. In my own case I was 72 before I realized WHY I was different and had been all my life. They 5 years since I think have been the happiest in my whole life.

Make all the TG & TS friends you can, they are an enormous help and were for me. One of them was my liberator.

Comment by Rachel King on August 21, 2012 at 7:47am

I'm with Helen, look for as much support as you can but please, please be very wary of a relationship.

Not because a trans person is any less of a partner but by necessity, a person going through transition is selfish.

Not self-centred, far from it, but transitioning is such a totally identity changing process, that it takes 110% to achieve this personal milestone.

You know the funny thing about all of that, as you have already surmised is, most of our fears were foundless and even when we lose so much, what we gain, is so much more.

We find friends that are unbelieveably supportive, we find which of our family are worth the effort, we find impossibly silly things to smile about and we learn to laugh, I mean really laugh because there is no longer anything to fear or hurt us.

We have endured every shitty trick life can throw at us, and we come up smiling, I mean, how good is that.

 

Your stories of your life and trials through transition will never bore me, no more than the so many I have read and often responded to over the past 3 plus years, because every time you take a small step, I am invigorated and my smile becomes bigger.

Jeez, life is bloody bewdiful, if you let it be......

And remember, you are still a spring chicken and hormones, for reasons that I haven't bothered to research, keep you young and younger looking, strewth, I'm too grateful to be enjoying this life, to bother questioning my good fortune.

 

Comment by Jacqueline Waters on August 22, 2012 at 4:56am

I can only imagine. I was just sitting on the pitty potty thinking about how much different and happier the past 40 years of my life could have been if I had learned to accept what I was sooner. I thought I was already too late to have any quality of life as a woman. 

Each day I become more secure in my femininity but there are days that I struggle. I am still only ""out" part time but the obvious signs are there...long nails, plucked brows etc. I think being in between is sometimes worse than before. I am just hopeful that one day I won't be seen as that crossdresser (not that there is anything wrong with crossdressers) or that guy in a dress. 

Your post gives me courage and strength to move forward towards my full time goal so that I don't have to have those feelings when I get to your age (by the Grace of God).

The important thing is that you did discover who you are and are beginning to embrace it and often times you will sure fight against it. My life has been a constant state of come out, purge....go dead inside...come out again. Not anymore. 

The amount of support has been nothing short of overwhelming. I was more worried about it than most other people that know/knew me. Of course it has not been a journey without loses and without pain. That is just life I guess.

Society is a strange creature. Things are not so black and white as the labels that society tries to box people into.

Although we never can know how people will react, you owe it to yourself and them to be your true self and allow your voice to be heard. You are not responsible for how others respond to it. We all and they all deserve the best you have to offer. For myself I have come to realize that the best parts I have to offer are the ones that I hid away due to fear and worry about acceptance.

You can't live for other people. You have to just do you and be the best you that you can be and all other things will fall into place. I am just learning to be happy. I know sometimes when we read posts and forums from other transgendered people it can seem like it is all roses and everyone is thrilled that they took the journey.

I would say that is something that took them many years to get to that place, the trip there was certainly not easy for anyone. One thing I do know is that we only have one life and it could end at any moment.

Be yourself, live in the moment....be happy.

~Jacqueline

Comment by Abby on January 2, 2013 at 5:47pm

Hi Chelle

 One of life's mistakes that many of us make is forever living our lives in a fashion to please others ...  Whereas our happiness is really pleasing ourselves...

hugs, abby

Comment by Sharon Rose on January 2, 2013 at 6:06pm

A tearful thank you Chelle, painfully beautiful.

Comment by Dal Maxwell on January 2, 2013 at 7:18pm

Chelle - I think that many of us have felt that 'Stuck in neutral/hurry up and wait' thing all alone.  Even these days we are aware we are not alone but feel powerless to get out of our own way.  Just remember that there is always hope as long as you are breathing.  No one can say that you are at a good age, or in a good space, to step outside of yourself.  But only you can control what happens when you do.  Never let fear keep you from taking that first step.

Comment by Elle James on January 3, 2013 at 9:09am

Oh Chelle, your words tear at my heart and soul.  I've had those feelings, what girl here on PE has not?  I'll be turning 50 this weekend and I think of what future I have ahead, the slow slide into old age and decrepitude.  I also think of being a woman, is that what I truly want?  I also know I don't want to still be 'this' what I am today when I "'m 60 years old still wondering still facilitating. Caroline's story of SRS at 60 gives me hope that I'm not too late to move forward that I still can be the woman I yearn to be.  Be strong my dear sister, and tell all those that would bring you down to kiss your cute little ass!  

Comment by lissa michelle on January 4, 2013 at 1:02pm

"Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again..." Chelle, this was a powerful, insightful blog. How many times have I been up late at night, alone with my thoughts and questioning life itself! Where I am, where I am going, when to reveal...etc. The road to the past is well constructed for me, but its future is always uncertain. After I finally accepted my self, I breathed a great sigh of relief. But then the air was gone when I told my spouse who did not accept it. So I have been holed up off the road for about 7 years. The rest stop is safe and sound. Except that for the last year I have been hearing my own echo. As I have continued with therapy I realized that eventually it comes down to turning around or moving forward. The risk is the losses it may entail. But the other risk is that I may never be happy if I turn back.

You are correct that life is too short, and we mare truly blessed to have lived for so long. I know my need is to be happy. It may not be fair to my wife, family and friends that I put her through this, but it isn't right either to offer up a miserable person to be around.

I have made reservations to attend First Event this year and plan to bring this up for discussion. (of course, the attendance is weather permitting...I would never leave her alone to have to clean up after a snowstorm). Nevertheless I want to focus on my yearning and needs; that I still love her, but that I don't feel whole and need to be. Also, that our lives have not been lived in vain...we have accomplished great things together that would never have happened if I knew then what I know now.

Chelle, I am turning 56 but my experience especially working with the 60+ population tells me that you are really in the middle ages. More importantly, you are as young as you feel. Stay young at heart, be true to yourself, keep in touch and most important, THANKS for your words! Lissa

Comment by Chelle Munroe on January 7, 2013 at 10:25am

Hi Lissa,

Thank you ever so much for your beautiful feedback on the article I had written.  Don't I know just what you speak of when it comes to the rest area and hearing your own echo. And, I do so much relate to what you say about family vs. your happiness. 

How it would be so great if we could just find a magic wand and make things happen to the happiness of everyone.  I know if I had such a wand, I would use it for myself and then I would use it to help my friends find the same happiness.  I hope you know that you would be one of them.

There's a possibility that I will be attending First Event and if it turns out I will, I will contact you and hopefully we can meet in person and share some beautiful conversation and laughter together.

Bunches of hugs and loads of love,

Chelle

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