Four weeks ago I had surgery to repair a stricture in my urethra. Simple explanation they cut out the section with the stricture and sewed the two pieces back together and inserted a catheter. Needless to say I have been on basically bed rest since. During this time I have had way too much time to contemplate on the way my life has turned out.
Highlights married the first girl I ever feel in love with at an early age while still not knowing who I truly was. We had two wonderful boys who are my life. It lasted for 9 years until she could not handle me being transgendered. To protect myself from her my lawyer was able to get her to sign an agreement not to use my being transgendered to take the children from my life. After about 2 years I remarried another woman after dating several men and woman. Of course this was doomed from the beginning but at least she helped me to start getting comfortable with being transgendered. This one lasted 4 years. I met Allie while I was still in my second marriage as a friend I could do things with while the wife was out recording and performing music. She has been very open and understanding of my being transgendered. At great detriment to her own wants she has always told me she just wants me to be happy and of course I have to admit that I have probably taken advantage of her to get what I want. In the months before my surgery we finally went out in public on our first dates as what I call our Lesbian Dates. The first was to a late night movie so there were not a lot of people there. The second we went to was The Lipstick Lounge an LGBT friendly bar in Nashville. I really enjoyed these opportunities to work on getting comfortable in public. Which leads to my next topic of I feel that I want more girl time and less boy time in my life. This scares me the most because it is the one thing that I am not so sure that Allie is prepared or even wants to give me. I will touch back on this a little later. Something hit me the other day about something one of the nurses told me after my surgery that has struck a nerve and I am going to get yelled at for not saying something sooner by Allie. They told me before I left the hospital that I should be checked for sleep apnea. The anesthesiologist had noticed I had either stopped breathing or had irregular breathing while under. I did not think anything about this when they told me an blew it off but a few days ago it hit me I could have stopped breathing and died while in surgery and I am not sure what I have to prove for my life. The boys and the memories of all the smiles and laughter I have given Allie is all I can come up with. This has me thinking have a squandered 42 years of my life? I am not the Ballerina I would have liked to have become. I have had the fairy tale wedding I want and have planned in my head right down to a good idea of what the dress would look like, white horse drawn carriage and my dad giving me away to Allison. Yes we had a ceremony when we got married but hey a girl can dream of doing it all over again and renewing her vows. So yes I have been asking myself a lot of questions again. Should I start HRT and see if that can make my mind and body feel right? Should I try to live full time or at least full time when not at work or have the one son over when he wants? The most important is how bad will that hurt Allie if I choose any of these, because I know in my heart it would kill me to lose her love and support. Allie my Princess I love YOU with every ounce of my Being!