I am the cliche, and yet, somehow, I find comfort in that. In a time when identity seems so elusive, so out of my control, I know that somewhere in the world there are others just like me.
Just like me - a thirty-something, secondary transexual, who's built a life, got married, got the job, and now I have a kid on the way, due next month.
And all I can think about is this rotting feeling inside; that hollow nothing that leaves me an emotional shell.
"What's wrong with you lately?" I'm asked constantly. How do I respond? How do you say thirty-something years of pressure are starting to crack through? How do I bring all this down on our heads at a time like this, when the future is all anyone is talking about? A future I can't see myself in, at least not like this. Who could understand that?
I'm seeing a therapist, a gender "expert," who apparently is the guy to see about GID, at least around here. I've been to two sessions, but I don't know how much they help.
Where the hell is the That Was Easy Staples button when you need it?
Is there an out for me? An escape? I've had these feelings for as long as I can remember. It seems now that my resolve to carry on in my natal gender is a futile endeavor. Yet I am aware of the world around me and all its prejudices. Everything inside says transition. Everything outside says don't.
I'm torn. This guilt manifests like pain in my chest. Like water in my lungs.
I just want to breathe.
I'd love to hear from you married or formally married girls out there. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer when so many of you seem so alive, so vibrant.
Love and such,