My House of Cards

Comment by Sarah Till on February 26, 2012 at 1:50pm

Yeah, I do know the way you feel at least some parts of it and I don't know the answer.

Comment by Nicole Aime on February 26, 2012 at 3:10pm

Stacey, wanna know how I keep from going crazy? I was crazy enough to begin with that I refused to let some voice in my head tell me that I'm really not who I am, therefore I should be unhappy. I don't need a voice to tell me what I see plainly in the mirror every day. And I certainly am not going to turn my happiness over to some voice. My wife has called me a control freak, and perhaps I am, but I prefer to think of it as being in control of my own life. I don't have the ability, or the energy to run anyone elses life.

OK, now seriously - It's time for honesty, first with yourself, then (and only then) with your wife. You've made a start by seeking out someone to talk it out with in therapy. And if they are not telling the the answer, GOOD - that's not their job. Their job is to get you to answer your questions. But you must be honest, else you will be confused.

As for the EASY button, hate to tell you this, but that was a bunch of false advertising. There ain't nothing about this that is easy. But yet there ain't nothing about this that is impossible either. You have gone down a path in life, made decisions, taken on partnerships and responsibilities. What we have to work with is what we have, and what we have is adequate to go on to the next day. Cherish what you have. Be proud of your accomplishments. Learn from your mistakes, plan for tomorrow, but live for today. It's possible to be you, and you have made a start. Notice I said "It's possible to be you", not "It's possible to transition." What it means to be you will be determined by you somewhere down the road.

Now, back to honesty - On your profile you state you are a "Frustrated Cross Dresser", but here you say you are a "secondary transsexual". Which is it? And what the heck is a secondary transsexual?

Comment by Stacy Lane on February 26, 2012 at 9:06pm

Thanks, y'all. 

I know it's not easy.  But having just (at least mostly) accepted myself for what I am, I'm stil trying to come to terms with who that makes me and where that puts me in this world and the life I've constructed.  The why I get - I was born this way.  It's always been and always will be.

I'm just sort of mad about it, I guess.

As for my profile, maybe I should have paid closer attention.  I'm deep in the closet and only crossdress at opportune times, though my feelings aren't really centered on dressing.  It's a body thing that I'm dealing with. 

'Secondary Transexual.'  This is a term that, if anything, simply means I've been researching and reading too much, trying to figure myself out.  A Primary Transexual (for MTF) is one who has always been feminine in thier societal role, has displayed feminine traits and rejects most of the entire masculine spectrum of behavior, etc.  They tend to transition very early.  A Secondary Transexual (for MTF) is one that, while feminine feelings are present and internally acknowledged, they tend to suppress and fight them, overcompensating by involving themselves in hobbies and activities typcial of their natal gender.  It's probably all a bunch of hooey, but it fits, I guess.  God.  I sound like a dictionary.

Love and such,

Stacy

Comment by Erin Detty on February 26, 2012 at 9:46pm

I hear the hurt and I understand but you need to learn to be honest with yourself and quit working yourself over, its not good. Love yourself. I wish I knew the words that makes you see you are who you need to get past. I still have to work on it from time to time. Patients is what I need to work on, everything in its own time. I would like for everything to happen now but it doesn't work that way. Live in the moment its all any of us will ever have.

Comment by Nicole Aime on February 26, 2012 at 10:04pm

Yick, another label, and it sounds like it came from Blanchard or someone of that ilk. So a primary transsexual is stubborn, independent and probably has the support of their parents early on. A secondary transsexual is stubborn, independent and is hoping for support from those around them later in life. . . I still don't like the term - it seems to imply that someone who fights with all their might to fit in to society's expectations is somewhat less of a transsexual. Personally, I am happy for the young ones and proud of the others. Whoever coined these terms must have a low regard for both groups.

I look foward to knowing you better. Hugs

Comment by Nicole Aime on February 26, 2012 at 10:08pm

My wife used to have a button on her purse that read, "God give me patience, right now!"

Comment by Sarah Free on February 26, 2012 at 11:08pm

Hi Stacy. I'm sorry to hear of the weight you have on you. What I just said to my wife is "I think she just perfectly stated the trapped feeling we all seem to share at one point or another on this site... often wonderful wives, kids, enjoyable jobs and yet an inner torment that nothing persay being the real you can alter"... just feeling hollow inside or perhaps a real hatred of looking in the mirror. On this site, we're all at different stages and with different end goals but what I think it's safe to say is that you don't ever have to feel like you're alone in this. You so aren't!

Sarah

Comment by BJY on February 27, 2012 at 12:04am

Hi Stacy,

Life is full of opportunities, and challenges, and also responsibilities. You are facing an issue that I faced myself a long time ago. The coming birth of a child. I may get feedback on this, but for me, my responsibility to my kids came first, and I delayed my transition on their account. The result? A delayed transition and a couple of kids with whom I have a great relationship. It's worth it, at least in my opinion. Sometimes the hard road may be the best one after all.

Just my opinion,

Barb

Comment by Stacy Lane on February 27, 2012 at 8:16am

I'm sorry about using  'secondary transsexual' and I hope nobody was offended.  I'm an author (a whole other can of worms) and I understand the power of words.  But for me, this psychologist-coined term simply made sense to my experience and helped with my 'ahah' moment.  It's, admittedly, one of those broad-stroke words that stereotypes a large segment of us (the waking up-over-30s) invented probably by someone who has no idea what it's like to be one of us.  But, for me, so long as it's not disparaging, I think it just someone's attempt to understand us.  Heck, I don't even understand myself, so how can I expect someone else to? ;)

Anyway, what I wanted to say is how much I appreciate every one of your responses.  Each of your perspectives is invaluable to me and, for sharing them, I thank you.

Love and such,

Stacy

Comment by Erin Detty on February 27, 2012 at 8:43am

I hope this isn't for your book because that would open A whole nother can of worms. This just strikes me as odd.

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