It's been about 6 months since I made the bold move to begin transitioning. I feel this is a good time to take a quick look back at some of the highlights and look ahead as well. I want to point out that the way I came out is probably not the best way for most people. I felt like it was best that I do the real life test to confirm that I'm transgender before pursuing any form of transition into womanhood. If at any point I felt like I was a cross dresser then I would have saved myself a lot of time, money, and health effects of HRT. My decision to go full time almost immediately after coming out was best for ME. I have the personality, the courage, I'm careful about who I associate with, and combine all that with luck I rolled the dice and things came out great. I was willing to live out of my car and work odd jobs to get through college if that's what it took. Things have gone great, but I was prepared to lose it all and refused to continue living in fear.
When I first started transitioning back in January, I wasn't sure how much of a feminine side I really had, because before then I was to scared to show it. I knew that I needed to start expressing it and part of that involved dressing in public. I had never taken it to the level that I had always wanted to take it and I needed to know once and for all not only how much of one I had, but also where I stand with my friends and family. Not knowing any of this had been eating me up inside for so long in many different ways and I couldn't take it anymore.
At first I thought I was a cross dresser, because I enjoyed wearing women's clothing and acting like a woman the best I could behind closed doors. In previous years I've gone through the binge/purge cycle more times than I care to admit. Just as I was starting to allow myself to relax a little and dress up more frequently, I would either revert to self-denial or being afraid of what others would think if they ever found out. The more I thought about how liberating it would feel to express my feminine side the more negative feelings would occur as I would deny myself that need.
When I moved into my apartment without a roommate I started dressing again, this time without holding back. I felt so at ease almost like I was being... me... my true self. I dressed as often as possible, but then I started to find myself depressed when I had to go into boy mode to go outside. Over time my mind became more acceptant of the woman inside and heavily resistant to boy mode. By this time I was pretty sure that I was a transgender woman. I remember spending many sleepless nights researching anything I could think of that had to do with transgender women. Then the day came when I had to remove all doubt and take the boldest step in my life, a move even bigger than joining the army; I came out to everyone over the course of a few weeks. I started going out in public here and there. After a couple months of doing that, I put my guy clothes away and only wore women's clothes. I had to do the real life test before making any further decisions.
Here it is about 6 months later and it's been the best move I've ever made and I've never been happier in my entire life :) Real life test complete and the results show (drum roll please)... I'm a woman! Yes, yes, I know everyone's really shocked LOL! I've never had any desire to go back, people around me have been way more respectful than I thought they would be, and unless I change my mind later on I plan on living the rest of my life as a woman. In the coming months I plan on getting it in writing that I'm transgender, so I can get on hormones and get whatever documentation I can updated to say "Claire" and "female". Also, getting facial hair removed is a must too. At any rate my life is back to business as usual (work, college, social life etc) it's just that now I don't feel an internal conflict holding me back in life and I'm not afraid or awkward to be myself.