Multiple Roles

Comment by Caroline Grace on July 19, 2012 at 8:25pm

Perhaps as one who waited until my youngest child was well established, I have no right to comment at all. Then again I hope there is something in what I share that will help others in their journeys.

For starters, one should never throw away their family relationships if they are not poisonous. And rarely has been that I have ever met a TG gal who wanted to do that. Most of us long to continue our relationships. If others in relationships with us decide to walk, that is their decision, not ours.

TG folks typically run as hard as they can from dealing with being TG. TS folks typically walk the therapy - hormones - surgeries path very reluctantly at first.  To put it simply but dramatically to show the seriousness of the situation, they don't take this journey unless it is a choice between a bullet or a dress. That is why 43% of those still around admit to attempting suicide. What % didn't make it?

Once a father, you never give up that role. You can change your sex but your children will always know tour role in bringing them into this world, even though they see you in the way. My future daughter-in-law shows this when she talks to my son in ways that make sense to her and him, "Dave, your father helped me fix the car. She taught me...."

We transition in life regardless of whether we ever tackle gender issues. Child to young adult, perhaps parent, old person, perhaps grandparent, etc.  Change will happen even if we do nothing to direct it.

"No one can take your integrity, only you can give it away."  Of course I agree you should tell.  Is role playing telling? Of course not. However get you story straight in your own mind before you tell. Figure it out so you tell the reality. Sexual orientation and gender identity are two distinct things.

Best wishes to all on this journey.

 

Comment by HELEN BRADY on July 19, 2012 at 11:21pm

I think you have stated the case for the real costs of transition. I feel so deeply for those in your shoes. Yet, it seems that being born with a female brain in the wrong body is something that you cannot forever live with as a "man." Fortunately at the time of my transition, I was single, my longtime girlfriend (now my best girlfriend mutually) had temporarily abandoned me because she saw me turning into a woman and didn't like it, actually was mad at me for it.

During the interim I hooked up with my SO,another tgirl. When she called me finally several months later to resume our relationship, she met me as female for the first time.  She knew Christine Jorgensen personally in NYC so she knew what happened. I never tried to play both gender roles. I went all the way in one day and told EVERYONE. My parents were dead, and my kids surprisingly actually accepted me.

Lost my job in 2 months because solely that I was trans; and my ex who I still talk with can't bear to see me as a woman in person.

Now that girlfriend treats my SO I live with as a daughter.

Comment by Jenn on July 20, 2012 at 9:40am

Annette, You give good advice.  Unfortunately, many of us have had to deal with being transgender long before we understood the dilemma we were facing.  Could we make it go away?  Could we live with it?  In the process of trying we have made our own prisons.   So, what's done is done.  Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished.   

Going forward, if transition is a must start planning for it.  You can make it happen.   But, make it happen under your control.  

Hugs, Jennifer

Comment by Jodie Jones on July 20, 2012 at 10:44am

Beautifully written.  Wonderfully insightful, and thought out.  Thank you, Annette, for sharing this here.  

Comment by Erin Detty on July 20, 2012 at 10:06pm

It's a bad feeling and as you know being trans doesn't wash off. You will end up some how dealing with it but how, how dose this happen for you? Only you can know the answer but it's not really that easy, because you really won't know until you start your transition and that's scary.

I would say that most girl here just rolled the dice, my marriage changed dramatically, at one point I thought it was over. What helped I think is we have been together 32 years and do care for each other enough that we decided that we would just live together and be at least the friends that we are but, that can change too. Some of us are not able to do this and I'm telling you it's not ease but it has gotten easier over time.

No really intimacy, we get along, she dose here thing I do mine, it took time for me not to feel crushed by this but, "I" did it not her and if I am to stay with her than that's the way it is. I'm lucky otherwise, my job is fine and the ass I knew before it all started is still the same ones today so not much as far as that goes has changed much.

I or no one else has an answer for you, there is no way you could have understood this that soon, I didn't and I'm sure most here would say the same, don't beat yourself up. Just don't live you life forgetting that you need to be you, the person that you are. You can't live it strictly out of fear, you will never truly be whole. It's too late to change the fact you are, Provider, Father and Husband so just do your best. Just my thoughts:)         

Comment by Rachel King on July 21, 2012 at 1:52am

One of my oft used sayings is, " You can take the person out of trans but you can never take the trans out of a person."

One day, we all have to face our truth. When that day is, is for each of us to determine.

Comment by HELEN BRADY on July 21, 2012 at 10:21am

My 2nd two cents worth, or is it  $200 due to inflation?

I believe fighting transition for those born TS is like trying to stop a runaway freight train with your hands.....it ain't gonna happen.

Comment by Jacqueline Santopietro on July 21, 2012 at 10:43am

Until you come out, you never know who will stand by you and who will walk away.  Coming out does change things, some for the better, some not so good.  Either way we get to live with our decisions or non decisions.  All you can do is hold your head high and do what you feel is best at the time, no regrets.

Comment by Lynnie Girl on July 24, 2012 at 12:50pm

We are all unique.. and one thing I have learned is that being honest about who you are is critical to creating a life of authenticity. I was married for 17 years and have a 15 year old son. I wouldn't trade him for anything... however it also means that being trans and in a relationship is a balancing act. I would never advise someone not to get married.. just to be honest up front with your partner. One thing is certain, like owing someone money, the longer you take to be honest about who you are inside the more difficult it becomes. Also, when I was closeted my thoughts being somewhat in my head with no ability to manifest themselves in the real world were totally different  than they are 16 years later. The balance is different for everyone. You don't have to lose everything to be yourself. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I have close friends and a family that loves me. When you focus on abundance rather than scarcity .. it is amazing how good things can be.

Comment by Tina Brown on July 24, 2012 at 3:29pm

Well said, Annette.  First time on here in a year+.  I am the wife, standing in for the 'other side,' the ones left behind. And here's the question we have: as Mom's, we protect our kids at all costs-it's our job. It's hard not to want to save them from injury, embarrassment and alienation...which is where you leave your children when all this is revealed.  Why can't you live a life PRIVATELY enFemme, until the kids are up and out of the house, then, do what you please? The wife, though unhappy, will survive. The children-adolescents-are still forming their ideas on right/wrong, him/her, traditional/progressive, what God desires, and roles as little men and women. This is totally confusing all of that for them, and they did not ask for this.  Would you wish this for your son?? You title your page 'Multiple Roles,' however, with no disrespect intended: you are abdicating all the roles that do not support you being Annette....isn't that true?

For the record: I did NOT know until 4 yrs into our marriage. 18 years later, I am separated but still loyal, learning to cope, and trying to prepare for THE conversation with our children, 14, 12 and 11. I don't wish ill on anyone, but I believe that once you 1. Marry 2. Procreate  ....your choices are no longer your own.  Live  as friends, suck it up, act responsibly, raise your family. Self-indulgence is reserved for AFTER the last tuition payment....for MOST folks.  There is a proper order to the universe.

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