Mother?

Comment by Stephani Krzysik on September 8, 2011 at 6:58pm

I am a woman who helped conceive a beautiful, loving, intelligent, caring daughter who is going on 26 and still calls me dad. Do I have an issue with this? No way. She has a mother and at no time will I ever assume that role or title. 

 

Any one who has done the same as I and transitioned becoming the person that they wanted to be, in my opinion has no right to be called "mom." When someone has begun to live full time as a woman and either through adoption, in vitro fertilization, or by natural conception with a partner who is able to conceive than by all means can they be called mom.

 

 

Comment by Monica Lorraine Beaudry on September 9, 2011 at 12:09am

My daughter often calls me and wishes happy mothers day and happy fathers day. Her mother ran off with a musician when she and her brother were in diapers. I think I earned it doing both jobs keeping a safe clean house and breaking my back at a thankless physical job to keep all of us going.

I do get your point though. I think some wish for too much and should settle for parent if Dad doesn't fit. But then we are all different in how we view things for one reason or another and are entitled to their opinions.

Comment by Caroline Grace on September 9, 2011 at 1:20am

Read the blog but not all the comments...  So at the risk of repeating someone below I will add my late night thinking after 17 hours of work in storms.

 

There are plenty of times when children have 4 moms...  Birth mom, adoptive mom, step mom, and the "mom" they choose to help guide them through life.  That last person might be a neighbor, a teacher, a person from church, or just someone they met somehow...

 

There's no doubt that no one should try to replace any mom in a child's life but that should never stop anyone from becoming another mom. So augmenting is good - but replacing is not.  And I believe that transwomen can make great moms. Besides, birthing and mothering are two separate things in my way of thinking... I understand that not all will agree with that thinking and it is okay if I am not right another time. By now, another time being wrong is simply a little more on the pile.

Comment by Dawna W on September 9, 2011 at 10:27am

fabulous ... i wont wax on .... but sounds exactly like something I would have written :)

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on September 9, 2011 at 12:28pm

Cerise, first I take umbridge for the patronizing shot you took at me in your comment, "I would think that you would want to keep your definition of "mother" to yourself",. I would have expected a more gentile comment from a professional counselour. What "definition" did I give for mother? I would ask you to please read the blog again and you would see I did not state the biological mother is the only criterion for one being recognized as a mother.

Saint Suelle, I understand you are well versed in biology, as you have blogged and commented on the Wolffian/Muellerian concept before, but you seem to be stuck describing the "trees" and I was blogging about a "forrest". I also see where you state, "I was a mother in every respects to my children other than in the uteran capacity. That does not make me any less 'biological' a mother than the Uteran Mother." How can you be no less the biological mother? I assume the sperm to produce your children belonged to you and by definition that makes you the biological father. As far as being mother in every respect, would your ex (whom I assume is a genetic female) agree? More to the point, ask you children the simple question, "Who is your mother?" Do you honestly believe they would say you are?

I also was a mother to my children in many ways, in fact, my ex and I were gender stereotype atypical. But I would never usurp that title from my ex, not so much for her sake, but for my children who would without hesitation identify her as their mother. I also realize, that in some cases, families have two recognized mothers, but that establishment is made and agreed upon among the family members. Such a case is our site founder Chloe Prince, who's boys have from the very early years of their lives been taught they have two moms, and I believe the titles given to differentiate between the parents are still in affect.

The crux of my blog is twofold: 1. Are we redefining biology so we who were born with male genitals can feel more female about ourselves by equating ourselves with the title our spouse? 2. Do we assume we are mothers to our children without their consent or recognition of what we believe to be true of ourselves?

I also perceive how many who have raised children, whether presenting in female or male, may be understood to be the "mother" to their children. Many biological mothers have ceded their right to be called mother because they abandonned or horribly abused their children. So yes the definition of mother is broader than simple biology and with transmen giving birth and transwomen (Cerise's neighbour) breast feeding the children they "fathered"(sperm donour) I can see where social definitions are being expanded, how ever it will be very interesting as Dr. McGinn's children develope who they will refer to as mother? Maybe both? But that would be the childrens choice not the parents.

By the way one of our members, Erica Fields, cofounded Transparents Day on the first Sunday in November so our children can recognize the parent in their life who transitioned in their own way. This is yet another alternative for our children to honour the parent in their life who has transitioned to their true gender

Comment by Shirley on September 9, 2011 at 1:43pm

Regardless of how one perceives themselves to be - The over riding "Factor" here is concern - responsability & affection for another human being  / "Personally" I have never had any desire to become a parent - But we all came from a "Mother" & we all share that in common !!

If my mother ever decided to become my "Dad" - I would still love her with all my heart & soul - Perhaps depending on my age - I might grapple with some trauma if I were very young !!!

"Love" is genderless - the love from a parent is "Genderless" - My own mummy still calls me "Joey" - But no other person walking God"s earth will care any more for me !!!

Gay people are also parents - Elton John is a great example of a very "Loving" & caring parent  /  He donated his sperm to a surrogate mother....   I can assure you - his kid will love him, no matter what...

"Love" is a separate issue - from "Gender" - A penny for your thoughts - Shirley !!

Comment by Jennifer Janzen on September 9, 2011 at 3:25pm

Marsha, I read your blog with interest and I agree with you up to a point. My viewpoint differs from your perception that a 'mother' has to have a biological connection with a child and therefore has conceived, carried and given birth to that child. My ex and I adopted my daughter (our third child and only adopted child) when she was only 7 mo. old. I can tell you quite unequivocally that my ex is the mother of my daughter. Her relationship with our daughter, although not a biological one is one of the strongest, loving relationships I've ever witnessed. You do all adoptive parents a disservice by negating that bond. I do agree however that insisting that I should be called her 'mother' would be quite ludicrous as she already has a mother, but if she decided on calling me mother who am I to denounce that? My children are working through my transition right now and one of the first things they considered was what to call me. The oldest boy has decided he is going to call me mom2 in public and I'm not going to correct him. Thank you for your thoughtful words but I wanted to defend all adoptive mothers out there. 

Comment by Lauren Elisabeth Tancyus on September 9, 2011 at 5:29pm

Good Gawd Marsha! Always creating controversey! LOL! Who would have thunk?  (Ummm, Cerise is an M.D.) It is too bad that Pink Essence has degenerated to the point where anyone who wants to express a view that may be controversial for whatever reason can't be discussed with reasonable debate.

Funny, I don't take such offense with people who have views diametrically opposed to mine and sometimes am even willing to alter my beliefs in the face of a solid supporting arguement. But, you know what they say, that's show biz.

Comment by Traci O'Gara on September 9, 2011 at 9:22pm

Funny how we argue so strongly for eliminating gender binaries, but when challenged to understand another concept using the same logic (St. Suelle's), we can't see "outside the box"....

Do we have to have a "winner" in this debate girls?  Open your minds...

Comment by Lana Fisher on September 10, 2011 at 1:20pm

Many things have been said here, and I agree with many of the concepts put forth by Marsha, Teagan, and other stronger minds than mine.  I have only one thing to say here.  

 

I am a woman.  I am a parent.  That makes me a mother.  You might as well blog about how an adoptive mother shouldn't "force" her adopted children to call her mother simply because they didn't gestate in her uterus.  The concept is preposterous, and frankly a little misogynist.  

 

I am my son's mother, even if he never recognizes me as such.  You make me sad by pretending I don't have the right to define my own relationship with my own son. 

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