Losing everything and figuring out how to start over.

Comment by Karen Moate on September 23, 2012 at 10:46pm

I honestly think that what a lot of people are going to tell you here is that you are going to have to de-transition in order to get another job.  Then again the job market is awful and the economy is in the toilet in spite of talk of economic recovery by so called experts on the newscasts.  I have only seen more and more folks holding cardboard signs begging for money and every city is full of failed businesses and foreclosures.  I guess that is another option and you can take the kids with you and your cardboard sign to get sympathy points(I am being faecetious of course).  There is no easy answer but I think you are going to have to make a hard decision and do what you have got to do to keep your house.  Go to a rental company and rent a cotton candy machine for the day.  Get a food handlers license online (ten bucks) and get a shopping store or grocery store to let you sell outside their entryway.  Get your mower and go knocking door to door to mow peoples grass undercutting the expensive landscape companies.  Then who is watching the kids right?  Get a friend or relative to do it.  You are going to need to be creative and resourceful and stop thinking of reasons why you can't do things.  I am fortunate enough to have a job and if I lose it at this point I am going to be in a world of trouble.  I plan on doing everything I can to keep it in spite of this being the toughest time in my family's life right now.  I simply cannot afford to lose it at this point.  I have been on unemployment for a stretch of ten months back in 2003 and that compounded with the stress of bills and gender issues put me in the hospital.  Don't go there.  Save yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you.  Karen

Comment by Dal Maxwell on September 23, 2012 at 11:05pm

Katie - I remember all too well my own black period.  My ex and kids had already moved 2000 miles away and I spent more than a few nights crying (seemingly) endlessly wondering what I was going to do.  Somehow, one day I just snapped out of it and realized that whatever I was dealing with, I had already experienced MUCH worse.  I stopped letting everything close in on me at the same time, prioritized, and tackled things as I could.  I kept creditors at bay, tried to keep the kitty nominally stocked, and didn't let life beat me down.  Don't rely on your support group to tell you what to do; let them be your friends and support mechanism, and let them also learn some of life's really cruel and crummy lessons.

Are you looking for jobs strictly in your field?  Would you take a job at a call center, or as an all-night stocker in the grocery store?  Drive pizzas? Are your job skills transerable to another field?

Can I say (very lightly) that you should discourage your son from calling you 'mommy'.  We, trans parents, may cherish hearing that but I think it just serves to further alienate your ex from you and fan the flames at the same time.

If you haven't yet, start by talking to folks at the school system.  If they already know about you then the only issue is to see if they can help you to find an alternative so your son doesn't lose ground.  Have you reached out to county services?  And if you are going to be nearly indigent, then you really should contact them anyway.  Perhaps if you qualify for some programs it will help qualify him for something as well.

And from personal experience, let me say that this is no time to be proud.  I remember many years ago, I hit a low spot so bad that I was living in a (nice but still) boarding house for $30/week.  If I didn't pay on time they came and took my little black and white television. I survived it, it made me stronger, and I came to realize that my strength was in my self-awareness, not my ability to do one thing.  I became highly adaptive!  Now, I am in questionable health and unable to work.  I depend on a food bank for assistance.  Granted, it's a really nice one subsidized by LL Bean but still......

So the worst thing I think you could do is to allow this to swallow you up; the best thing I think you can do is hit the reset button, take a deep (really deep) breath, take a moment of clarity and assess the situation, make a plan and then kick some ass, take some names and leave no prisoners!  I've lost everything a few times but I have always bounced back because I believe in myself.  Between that and a dozen or so near death experiences, I'm not afraid anymore.  You are dealing outside your comfort zone and just need to get your nearings back.  And take any job that will keep you from drowning!

One last thing.......maybe this could have been prevented; maybe not.  Be in the now, don't live with regret, and think of what you can do, not what you can't do anymore.  Skip the coulda/shoulda/woulda and work your way to  GONNA!

Comment by Katie Scott on September 24, 2012 at 12:40am

Daralyn- I have been in many different aspects of IT / Electronics over a 16 yr span. I've held positions being a system admin, field technician, technical trainer, product development engineer and the last position I held was field technician manager. The part that frustrates me is that i've done all this without a college degree and only certifications. Now I can't get a job even thou I have ton's of experience all because I don't have a degree. I have made plans to go back to college in the spring but i'm torn if I want to get my degree for the field i've been in for years or start over and do something completely different.

In the meantime the job hunt continues and I have applied for even positions working in a bank as teller which is something I did years ago part time when I was laid off back in 01.

As far as the kids calling me mommy. I have discouraged that since it started and I make sure that they call me Katie and they know who their mommy is. They still have their moments when my ex just up and runs off to be with her bf without saying goodbye to them which seems to trigger when they do that.

Now stuff with the school has been handled quite a few months ago. I am totally out and open with all the staff at my kids school. I kinda had to do that since my kids started elementary school in pre-k and are the only twins in the entire school. Also my son Sage is known as Mr. Social there and is friends with kids in almost every grade so all the teachers know my kids quite well. I actually got asked by my son's pre-k teacher back in June before I told them and right before I went full time if I was transitioning because she said it was kinda obvious even thou I tried to pass as a guy I was failing at it. She was very nice about it and that was when I talked to their teachers for kindergarten and also to their principal. Everyone has been very accepting and very helpful with dealing with parents of other kids who didn't understand or like that I am taking my kids to school or at the school helping out all because I am transgender. I have talked to them about what is currently going on and we are trying to make plans to get my son Keaton the help he needs but it all depends on where he will end up going to school and that won't be know till we basically have to move and my ex makes her decision on where she's going or I get lucky and get offered a place where my kids can come with me.

I have already contacted county services for assistance which my kids did qualify to get on medicaid which helps alot. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for food assistance because my ex and I still live in the same house and we get $50 above what the state income limits are for our unemployment. We've been getting by on $60-90 a week for food to feed all 4 of us and gas for our cars. Thou I honestly don't leave the house but once a week and that's if one of my friends comes and picks me up because I know my ex will put $20 in her gas tank which leaves us with not much for food but I make it work.

Trust me I know all about health issues which is also why i'm scared and trying to remain calm because I have had IBS since I was 13yrs old and last year started having high blood pressure caused by stress which was causing me to black out. My last blackout in January and then the next day my brother dying of a stress related illness made me decide to transition no matter what. Since then I have had no health issues at all.

Karen - No matter what I won't de-transition. Plus it would be to expensive to do that at the point i'm at. I've already legally changed my name and had my gender marker changed on all my ID's except my birth certificate. Plus I don't have a shred of guy clothes in my entire house. I donated all of them to goodwill months ago. I also know that if I had to go back to being a guy and dealing with the stress I am now that I would go crazy and either end up in jail or dead. Even with all this crazyness going on I am still calmer and happier than I have ever been my entire life.

Comment by Erin Detty on September 24, 2012 at 7:46am

Calling you mommy, she must not be there much or not at all for them, that gets me. I'm married, kids grown, I wish I had some good advice but I don't.

The kids make things particularly hard, you do have a hard spot to work from, its no help at all being put down for having a time of it with finding a job, guilting, using the kids to do so is bulling, the job market sucks.

If their so worried than why don't they make it more comfortable for you to move in with the kids so they can have their way as well, I would my grand kids are the bomb, I have one living with me right now. 

Keep your chin up and try to think positive, I know its damn hard, I do feel that things will turn around for you. Just love on those kids and.. do your best, look outside the box, that's all you can do.   

Comment by Erin Detty on September 24, 2012 at 11:14am

@Lisa, The scrabble analogy is a good one, waiting to see what happens, there is no other choice and death is never a  choice, just punishment for those left behind.

Comment by Karen Moate on September 24, 2012 at 11:49am

Let me take a shot a clarifying my earlier post.  You are in an awful situation that is heart wrenching, scary, and full of possibilites some of which seem hopeless.  Your relationship with your spouse has deteriorated to the point that she is openly dating someone and leaving you in a position that she perhaps felt herself to be in at some point (at home alone with the kids. Not that you ever cheated on her mind you).  What she is doing is truly terrible but she is extremely angry at you and this is how she is giving you a slap in the face.  IF  she didn't love you she wouldn't be doing this she is doing it from her hurt.  Now that I know more about you from your reply yes, I agree de-transition isn't an option.  It isn't the right thing to do.  You have a great skillset from what you have stated of your experience and a needed one.  You are smart ,intelligent and if I wasn't of the understanding that you were trans based on only seeing your picture I would say that you were a genetic girl.  It is amazing to me how many trans-folk are seemingly very intellegent.  I won't include myself there but honestly some of the transgender community have very brilliant minds.  You appear to pass very well.   

My statement about the cardboard signs and your kids was of course a joke.  I am trying to bring humor into a dire situation.  Humor can go a long way towards healing some of the pain that you are feeling.  I;m not talking about negative humor where people would laugh at you and mock you.  I'm talking about the kind where you get to laugh freely and more importantly to laugh at yourself and your own situation.  I'm not saying it is funny at all on the contrary it is very serious and from your post very dire as well.  Think about the show hell's Kitchen  or Hotel Hell.  Why is Gordon Ramsey so popular right now?  He says horrible things about peoples livelihood, skills and abilities.  He flat out insults them in their own home and wher they live.  The tv audience has absolutely no vested interest in any of what is going on and they can see it as funny.  Based on the reactions of people on the shows they don't think it is funny at all.  At the end of the show you come to realize that all of that humiliation and trash talk actually has a purpose.  Gordon or at least the writers are trying to help those people see the errors in their thinking and it is difficult if not impossible to see them in yourself.  In the end they are glad to have been a part of something that changes them and they actually thank chef Ramsey for his intervention.(at least on camera, remember this is a tv show).  There is a lesson there.  I can see what is happening to you now as a possibility in my own future and it is hard to read  knowing that oh yes this could be me.  I hurt for you and your situation. You pass as female from your picture.  Now Picture this:  I am 260 pounds with muscles and a body that is on par with football linemen.  I for whatever reason believe that I am/should have been a girl and am in the wrong body or desire to have a female body.  Now picture that football guy in a skirt all dolled up out on the town telling everyone "he" is a woman.  It is funny.  I'm sorry but it is and I am going to be laughed at and mocked teased and made fun of.  Some people are going to think it is f*&^^ing" hilarious and I just have to be ok with that.  If I were them and didn't have gender issues I would laugh too.  You need to be able to find humor in your own situation to survive this.  I have said to my therapist god  must have a twisted sense of humor to have made me this way.  Maybe I just can't see the whole picture though either eh?

I mentioned all of the things that you could do only to show you that you need to be thinking outside of what you would normally do to make money.  I do know this I have two laptops that need work but just haven't bothered to get  anything done to repair them.  Aericans are lazy and we want others to do things for us.  You could post an ad on craigslist for low cost computer or network repair and see what happens.  you could go to local businesses and churches and offer your services reasonably and see what they say.  i know that many small business owners need help with their networks but don't bother to hire anyone because they believe it will cost too much.  Churches are the same way.  You may have to volunteer your services to prove your worth to a company or organization and that will at least get your name out there and get people talking about you and what you were able to do for them.  In the end I feel that we have to help each other and we who frequent this board have an understanding of these painful issues more so than anyone else.  I've noticed on the top of the home page that it says "We are one."  Are we?  I am going to ask this community to do something to prove it.  It is my understanding that if you want to see a miracle you have to be a part of that miracle.  Now I don't know you personally.  I have never met you and know very very little about your situation but I believe your need is great.  I don't know the developers of this site and have no affiliation to them or with them and no vested interest in helping them that would help me in any way.  I know that Chloe and Lana work hard to keep this site up and running from posts I have read.  I have never had any personal contact with either of them and they don't know me from adam so to speak.  There are what 2000 or so members on the site.  I am going to ask two things of the readers and you can do it not do it I don't care.  I want to send you a dollar and the website owners a dollar.  If it weren't for this site I don't know how things may have gone for me over the past few weeks.  Ifeel fortunate that I may never have to know how things might have been.  If this fourm weren't here we couldn't share our stories and struggles and help to inspire one another.  I challenge every reader of this post to do the same in donating to this cause.  If only five percent of the readers do this you will end up with an extra fifty bucks to help you out in your time of need.  Put your money where your fingers are typing and help out in a practical and easy way that isn't going to put anyone in a bind.  I spend two bucks on a scratch off lottery ticket.   If I lose I lose if I win then fine.  Remember the Stone soup story from when you were a child?  Put it into practice now is all I ask.  Thanks for helping out even if it is just in kind thought and prayer.  karen

 

 

Comment by Dal Maxwell on September 24, 2012 at 1:26pm

Katie - I feel like there are many parallels between your story and mine.  Married, kids, heartache, really pissed off ex; been there, done that, sent the postcards, and moved on.  Having that well behind me and having survived the whole thing fairly intact, in my mind, makes a serious connection and I very much feel for where you are.  As this is well back in my personal rearview mirror, I want to (try and) assure you that someday down the road, much of this will turn out funny.  And I do have a very succinct example for you;

Back in the latter mid 90's, my ex and the kids had already relocated to the Southwest.  I allowed this because my ex's career got a tremendous boost from moving there, and it had added badly to the tension that we already had.  As a footnote, let me say that my gender issue at the time was not the cause of our breakup although she subsequently decided that it was. As part of our divorce decree she was required to provide me with certain things on a regular basis.  Which she characteristically decided not to do.  So after about four years of this, I asked her point blank when I was going to get a picture, video, birthday card or report card on either of our children.  She specifically told me that if I wanted their school stuff I could deal directly.  I pondered that for a day or two and then decided that if that's how she wanted it, that's what I'd do.

So I called my son's school, left a message for his teacher and waited.  She called back shortly thereafter (within a couple of days I believe) and I explained that I was being deprived of my school records.  She said she understood and would take care of it.  What she did do was to go back to class and tell my son that she had talked to his father, Daralyn Maxwell (which was my legal name at that point).  He (7 years old) said that wasn't my name.  And of course, when he got home he told his mother and asked who that person was.  What a fun phone call that was!

One of the lessons I have derived out of my subsequent survived years was that you can only fix you.  Even after all of these years, even now, she is still really angry despite my best efforts to smooth things over.  She's just wasting herself in anger and despite some dire personal circumstances, I have managed to carve a nice life out for myself.  So my message to you here is the, depite everyone's fervent wishes, it does get worse before it gets better but it can get better.  It takes a bucketload of work and personal eneregy.  If you survive it you will be so much stronger that you can't even imagine.  I don't think, for one moment Katie, that I am bulletproof but after my personal voyage, I'm damn close.  I'm not afraid of my environment, my ex, even dying (although I really don't want to because am actually at the good part).

That's what I hope for you, and the stuff I told you last night was only in an effort to give you hope.  I don't have cookie cutter advice, I have the experience behind me to give it, and I am as real as it gets.  Maybe it only works for me but considering what I have survived, I think I've done okay.  And if you don't believe me, ask Lana.  We've never met in person but we've known each other for years!

Comment by Chelle Munroe on September 25, 2012 at 10:04am

Katie, I am so sorry to read about your dilemma. I really don't have any answers for you that would suffice but can only relate to the difficulty of being married with kids and all that goes with that. My ex was understanding for a while and like your situation, things got ugly between us. And, my parents did the same with the pressure until it almost seemed unbearable. In my case, I moved out (my kids were early teens), which made it a lot different than yours. Also, my ex was there for them so that helped. The pressure I got from my family even after I separated, got so bad, I caved in and gave up pursuing my transitioning. I never went back to my wife and we divorced. Word got out where I worked about me seeking a sex change and although it wasn't stated, I was let go from the job and then was unable to provide child support and ended up using a good chunk of my savings earmarked for surgery etc., to pay support. The whole process was a major setback but somehow, someway, I found alternative avenues and pulled through it. I truly wish I could provide a solution for you and can only pray that you will be able to find an agency or resource to help you maintain your household and more importantly, to allow you to keep your children and provide for them. There's no doubt that the journey you are on is a difficult one but I honestly believe you will be strong enough to find your way. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I wish you well and again, I'm sorry I can't provide you with any solutions. You have family with the people in this group and know that if you reach out they will be there for you, maybe not so much financially or that but to help you get through the emotional and stressful moments.

Hugs,

Chelle

Comment by HELEN BRADY on September 27, 2012 at 1:14pm

With this job market, even a degree may not make any difference. At least you are still young. When you hit 50 forget about using any of your credentials like my 2 degrees, and certificates. They are now meaningless, I'm just an old lady and employers think I'm stupid with an IQ of over 140.

Comment