Looking for Advice on Identifying ourselves to each other

Comment by Suzi Jet on August 5, 2011 at 1:12am

Didn't happen to me in Home Depot but at the Farnborough Air Show.  A girl walked across the area in front of our display with a very deliberate walk - no manly, just with a clear indication that she had a lot of stuff to see and she was going to see it.  She was kind of cute so I headed her off when she was leaving and said hi.  Not wanting to indicate that I thought she was trans (because it wasn't obvious) I mentioned that I was having a great visit and had been to Sparkle.  She knew I was from the Colonies by the organization I was with so it was easy to put 2 + 2 together.  That is kind of like the English version of SCC and she knew immediately that I was at least a CD.  Broke the ice and we ended up having dinner with her TG GF that later joined us.  They were very nice ladies. 

 

Point of the story - think of some activity that a local trans person may know about and mention that you went and had a good time.  If the look on her face is blank, change the subject.  If her face glows she will mention something you can start a conversation about.  Have fun,

 

   Suzi

Comment by Rachel King on August 5, 2011 at 4:18am

So far I've deleted 4 replies, so let it suffice, that till you walk in her shoes, you do NOT have the right to cause her any embarrassment whatsoever.

Phew, I've finally been able to say it nicely without exploding,hahaha

Comment by Rachel King on August 5, 2011 at 5:07am

Of interest to anyone thinking on this and with an opinion, might be Vanessa Sheridon's blog," Requesting your Input.'

In the Stonewall Libraries is a section with 30 panels, all of interest to us.

Vanessa is on Panel 25 and you may also be interested in Panel 28, it is relevant to this conversation.
Their's is not the be-all in opinion but it should be noted when considering how you should react in this situation

Comment by Caroline Grace on August 5, 2011 at 6:45am

If she were wearing a PE pin you'd know right away... Until every TG person has a PE pin let's all wear pink scarves around our necks. (Hahahaha)

Seriously, it is my hope that one day we won't have to be walking around with secret greetings, secret signs, or secret handshakes (ala the Masons). But until then it may be worthwhile sharing some of my thoughts here. On a recent cruise I noted some group meetings:

Friends of Bill

Friends of Dorothy

It was fairly easy for me to figure out that Friends of Bill was an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting. 

The Friends of Dorothy was a bit of a guessing game. I had no idea that was the question gay men would ask back in the day to identify one another. I only found this out later on when I asked a gay man friend if he had ever heard that expression. I found it interesting that it was being used today to identify the LGBT group. Unfortunately during the cruise I was the only T person there.

Maybe our question might be, "Are you a friend of Chloe?" (Said half-seriously and half-joking)

Of course, it seem very logical then that the question, "Are you a friend of Harry Benjamin?" as suggested below would be a good way. You may note that I have opted to drop the doctor part, which may identify us to those we weren’t trying to share with. 

But I am thinking a better approach is for me to say, "I am a friend of Harry Benjamin" which outs me rather than asking another to self-disclose.  They can chose to say, "So am I" if the want to.

 

So I am thinking that the social contract we have with one another is: 

Out yourself.

Comment by Stephani Krzysik on August 5, 2011 at 6:55am

Unless a person will confide in a total stranger as to their status, it's none of our business to place a label on someone else. Many post op gals want to be left alone and not have that stigma placed on them.

Comment by Rachel King on August 5, 2011 at 12:35pm

Danielle, I wasn't nor would I ever even think to be offended but such a question from a CD ( as per your profile) and someone in drab ( as per your blog ), if directed at me, would indeed have put my back up.

Look, I like those who question and those who seek to unchain themselves from the shackles we have upon us but a blog like yours and some replies that say, "Sure, go and embarrass the silly cow." are hard to take, because, one day, I might be that silly old cow.

There might come a time that an approach is appropriate but her workplace is not one of them.

To give you a scenario, you approach her, she smiles, not at you, but at a customer of her store, somebody whom she is PAID to smile at.

She isn't seeing you, she is seeing a customer, one of thousands each day.

You say, Hi and identify and/or ask her a question that is innocuous to you, but because she can only see a bloke, it throws her for six and in her panic, she stammers out something rude.

You shrug your shoulders, think nothing of it and walk away, not giving it a second thought.

She is left a shaking wreck for the rest of the day, for the rest of the week she can barely function, thinking you will report her to a Supervisor.

She might even have to take a sickie from work, which the shithead of a Supervisor just loves, because he has been trying to get the fag for ages.

Gotcha.

 

 

Get it, got it, good......

Walk a day in her shoes, and then approach her.

Am I harsh?

I LIVE the reality and I constantly counsel those who choose to follow a similar path to have a plan, have a support group and have your finances together, and one of the reasons is because you never know when some well-meaning person changes your life, in an instant.

"When the fantasy stops, the reality begins," Danielle.

I sincerely hope this doesn't put you off here or from the path you choose, because I have you and your interests at heart.

You know what I like most about this blog? It got me thinking and asking myself questions, and I love questioning the accepted and the unacceptable.

One invariably confounds the other.

 

You have peace, and you have love.

Comment by Bobbi Lombardo on August 5, 2011 at 3:17pm

I personally do not want to be recognised as TS.  I want to be recognised as a woman, so it would be quite dishartening to have someone I don't know ask me.  I mean if I were not I would be insulted that you thought I had enough male features that I might be TS and if I am TS then I am working hard to be seen as the woman I am and not as a trans person. 

 

We all have our own ideas as to how we want to be seen and recognised so for some of us this would be a very painful exposure.

 

All of that said, I have run into situations where I wondered about someone and in my need to identify with another human being of my ilk, I have almost asked this question.  So I understand your desire, I just think it is a slippery slope.

 

Namaste

Bobbi

 

Peas

Comment by Annette Brunette on August 5, 2011 at 8:13pm

I am in agreement with Annah Maria...just smile, nod and go about your business. 

 

One time I was at the mall in Nashua paying the cashier (a young male) at Macy's.  A la the Three Stooges, I tried to pay him with an expired credit card. Talk about embarrassing. Finally I got it right, paid for the item in cash and left. Much to my surprise a week later I got an email from the cashier who recognized me and said he just wanted to say Hi. I guess he knew me from Friends Landing,  a north shore GLBT club. He said he didn't want to startle or embarrass me since he knew I already felt like an idiot for not realizing my credit card was no longer valid. I told him I appreciated his discretion.  

 

A few years ago I went into the Home Depot (Tewksbury) looking for some hearing protectors. A gentleman showed me where they were and we had a pleasant conversation. I didn't think much about it til I got an email from him a couple days later. He was an admirer and he said he recognized me immediately. Because I look the same in both male and female modes it wasn't hard for him to find my online profile. Again, I felt a lot more comfortable chatting with him than if he had asked if I was a TG person. 

 

Most fully transitioned women that I am aware of simply "disappear" from the community and want to keep it that way.  Reminders of their past life make them uncomfortable.  Just smile, thank them for their time and treat them just as you would any other person.

 

Annette

Comment by Dianna Davids on August 5, 2011 at 10:40pm

A point of clarification, I did not say anything and never have said anything for fear of making them (and me) uncomfortable.  If I did say something, it would be an effort to connect with them - it can be a lonely world out there.

Comment by Michaela Sandiego on August 5, 2011 at 11:40pm

I think... and I admit that I will never be able to fully understand how TG women and men feel but I would think that they wouldn't want to be identified... unless they have joined a support group or the like. I have OCD and the thought of someone approaching me asking me if I had it because of a certain way I looked/acted etc would freak the flip out of me.

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