LGBT and BDSM

Comment by Dal Maxwell on June 28, 2012 at 11:40pm

Don't you think, Claire, that your average neophyte transitioner doesn't need much else to confuse them, let alone sexual kink when they are already desperate to figure out who they are?  I'm sure that the intention is good but recommending that someone check out local BDSM events so they can dress up kind of defeats the purpose of self exploration.

Just because it appears to work for you doesn't mean it's a/the solution for anyone else.  There are already enough misconceptions about sexuality and gender identity being intertwined; let's not make it worse, eh?

Comment by Claire DeLap on June 29, 2012 at 12:41am

Daralyn, are you actually reading my post and trying to give constructive criticism or are you just playing devils advocate?  How am I making things worse?  I'm simply sharing my experience and you can take it or leave it; we're all adult women here, capable of making our own choices.  All I said was that if you're curious about BDSM and want to explore another outlet for exploring transition which including dressing as a woman more often (not just at home) then it might be worth your time to look into.  Yes, it does work for me and I personally know others who it also works for them as well and has helped greatly in their transition.  A Mistress that I know here dedicates her time and sticks her neck out to help those of us who aren't gender conforming to learn to become as female as desired.  If it wasn't for her some of us wouldn't be where we are today.  Both BDSM and transition are about self exploration.  If you feel safe enough with either, then go for it!  Explore and learn who you truly are, but do it at a comfortable pace.  Don't continue to wonder "what if" while you die a little inside each day, because that's no way to live.  

For a brief time I only dressed at BDSM events, because that was one of the few places that I felt safe at... and this coming from a 10 year Army veteran with 2 years of martial arts experience.  Those in my BDSM community are more sane and much less judgemental than those outside the community.  As I said in my post, BDSM isn't for everyone.  If you're not into it or you don't feel safe in your local community then don't go down that path.  If you're confused, seek counseling.  You should be seeking out counseling anyway if you desperately trying to figure out who you are.  

Comment by Dal Maxwell on June 29, 2012 at 1:27am

Actually Claire, I read it five times.  My specific point was that many transitioners have enough trouble seperating fact from fantasy and don't need the distraction of a(n often) sexually driven social activity.  Lots of trans people already have trouble re-socializing.  In your original statement, you did NOT say that it was an outlet for exploring transition, just that it was a place to dress up.  *I* have a problem with that only because so many think that getting all dolled up is transition which brings me to my feelings about form over substance.

In addition, a counselor (in most cases) is much better equipped to help a fledgling figure themselves out without the whole roleplaying thing.  And since BDSM is primarily about submission for the masses, why exactly do we have to be trained to be submissive in the first place?  I've survived the worst, nastiest, most dangerous, painful, humiliating and denigrating, dehumanizing things anyone could imagine in an extreme nightmare; why in heck would I submit to someone else's will when I apparently have no intention of even compromising my sense of free will?

Where I feel safe is in the world, with real people; not in a role-playing 'dungeon' where reality is a figment of the collective imagination, except with a particular direction in mind almost always.  The fact that it works for you, you have been able to rationalize your participation via transition is laudable.  But to recommend that as a path for some of the less strong among us is just, in my opinion, pouring gas on a barely contained fire.

Personally, I think that new transitioners don't need more sensory distractions than finding out who they are.  If someone is predisposed  to it is one thing, but to recommend it (which you did) is another.  In my mind it is tantamount to just barely starting out in transition as a MtF and immediately getting a boyfriend as a testament to your 'heterosexuality.  It is distracting, emotionally divisive, premature, and wholely unnecessary in the plotting of one's arduous journey to re-establish your human beingness in a totally different personal and social context.

And let me finish by saying that I think there is WAY too much emphasis on dressing up and NEVER enough on actually finding yourself.  It's nice that people want to look nice but the better ticket to being an admirable human being is to be a quality person, not all garnished with flourishes.  I've known all kinds and because of the way some people perceive themselves, I long ago came to the conclusion that we are NOT all sisters under the skin.  MY sisters have enough repsect for themselves to act like people, not carricatures and cartoons of what womanhood is supposed to be all about.  And yes......ALL OF THIS comes from my disagreement with BDSM for trans people early on. 

As a postscript, I dress as me, not as a symbol of anything.  Sometimes I look ragged and I stay home; sometimes I look dazzling and still stay home.  But when I go anywhere, I'm looking to accomplish something not impress everyone with how feminine I can attempt to be.  I'm fine and dandy comfortable in my skin and people respect me exactly for that reason, not for my ability to (over) accessorize.

Comment by Caroline Grace on June 29, 2012 at 6:06am

Being a nun in the sexual activity department during my transition, I probably don't have much good thinking to contribute. I have chosen not be sexual during transition for several reasons, but one that sticks out for me is that I don't want to confuse a partner as to my gender. Everything is female except a zone the shape of circle about 8" in diameter - maybe that is even a zone of about 5" in diameter as HRT has been shrinking things.  Like Daralynn suggested, I also think that confusing sexuality with gender identity stuff makes it all the more harder to figure it out. However, I do not believe that the way I have handled my transition is the right way.

Human beings are sexual creatures. One of the first things to go when life overwhelms someone is their sex drive, so a lack of interest in sex can show that a problem exists.  To help out a gal, I took her in.  She was into BDSM and she loved it, too. She was also 25 to 30 years younger than me. But in discussions with her, I started to question my celibacy. While BDSM was not the.path for me, she found it a good outlet.  What's that saying, "Different strokes for different folks!"

I also think there is a fact that should be noted.  Claire, you started in BDSM before you started transition. So it may be that you figured out you sexual desires before starting transition, so there was no confusion for you during dealing with gender things.  Care to share?. 

I also wonder if being dominated didn't help you transition, too. Did your mistress command you to dress as a woman or to do womanly things? And if so, was this a catalyst to your transition? (A catalyst being defined as something that speeds up a process by making it easier.)  With so many in society saying "No, don't dress that way." to have someone saying the opposite is really an enticing deal, don't you think?

Lastly, I'd say this about dressing: Dressing has long been the link between what you know about yourself on the inside and most transpeople's sanity. It has allowed transpeople to acknowledge who they are even when that image is contrary to what everyone else sees in this world. Still I agree with Daralynn about the idea that everyone does not need to do it all the time. Find out who you are and be that person. There is nothing wrong with a woman who wants to wear jeans all the time. There is also nothing wrong with a woman who likes shorts and tank tops. Nor is there anything wrong with a woman who dresses to the nine. And the same holds true for a transwoman.

Comment by Jamie Robin Gardner on June 29, 2012 at 6:57pm

I have been involved with the BDSM community for over 22 years. 15 years as a boy, 5 years as a Sir and the last 2 years as Ms. The leather community is who I came out to first. There has never been a eye batted, that I am aware of. You can as sexually active as you want to be or not. Most of BDSM is non sexual. It's mind games. You should be very secure in yourself, non-trans, straight, gay or trans. If done properly and under the ground rules of safe, sane and consensual, those people who are not prepared are weeded out. It is a very tight knit community.

Comment by Shauna Baggett on June 30, 2012 at 3:49pm

Naturally I was drawn to it in a younger age, first as a sub, then a Mistress and back to a sub. Being lesbian I have only had female Mistresses and only a few who actually were good enough to hold my collar. 

Comment by Sheri Proctor on June 30, 2012 at 4:00pm

I personally believe that we have too many labels and try and separate ourselves and others way to much... 

Comment by Juli Hendrix on June 30, 2012 at 4:25pm

In my experience, TGs definitely have a much higher percentage rate of interest in fetish-related activities than do non-TGs.  In Los Angeles (in 2007) one of the local TG clubs decided to have their 1st annual fetish party; it was so successful, breaking all previous attendance records, that they had another 3 months later. Though fetish is not the same as BDSM, there's substantial overlap, and fetish generally draws on BDSM culture, clothing, etc. Another TG support group that I frequent is a large general support group and I was quite surprised to learn how many of the more active members like going to the Power Exchange in San Francisco.

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