IT REALLY HURTS

hi dear blog, i missed you, this days i got so much in mind and in my hearth, this next year is bringing me more uncertainty, i am already in my 18  month of my transition, feeling better than ever about myself, but this got seriously a high cost to pay, i know, i said all the time that i know the price and i am ready to pay the bill, but when the moment comes it really hurts despite all the preparation for that moment you may have.

finally i spoke again with daddy, he still dont accept me as a woman, he said i will never be a woman, but he really understand that my brain is a woma's brain, that is a huge step, i feel like we recovered each other, and we are talking again more frequently and with less tension between us.

i am feeling already the social discrimination, bolivia still the worse place in latin america to be a transgender person, it doesnt matter what a great person i am, a good friend, some one that always was there to help and built a self image about honorability, trust and confidence, they still think i will be another girl on the street, selling drugs or her body, or worse.

i got the curse of my family last name, to be member of some of the oldest and well know families in my country, to know that my transition is afecting seriously my own family memebers, they fear for the discrimination and all the trouble i will do for them to be myself.

my ex wife is already in love of a man, it is a great guy, i am happy for them, we are really trying to continue being best friends, but it is soooo hard to be the friend of the love of your life, she doesnt love me any more, i am lefting her everything i got in my life, she is not agree about my transition because she knows the damage will be for our 3 years old son here in bolivia for his social life, and i feel so empty right now, so lonely, i know in the middle of my transition the chances to be with some one that loves me as a woman. just sick of loneliness and so over stressed. the chances to lose my baby boy according for the bolivian laws in case (and for some miracle i can get all the money) i finish my transition, are really high. i got a deep hearthache, and it takes my breath when i think about this two things.

still, i got a really bad time, despite all the effort i put in my job i just dont now if i will be re hire this next year, my contract expires this next Dic 31, o that is a lot of more preassure over me.

ahhhh, by the way, last saturday i was in a plane crash, we all survive, but put me in perspective of the useless i could be in some situations, totally powerless about my life, providence and the pilot safe us, and here i am to keep telling my story, that put me a lot in perspective about the posibility of dying with out the chance to life my life as it is suppose to be.

yes the bill is really high to pay... but in conclusion freedom is priceless.

yours

andrea