I want to take it all back but...

Comment by Caroline Grace on September 8, 2012 at 8:26pm

Wish I had your crystal ball for predicting the future.  I can barely figure out what will happen in the next day a lot of days, let alone knowing what the whole future looks like.  If you don't get it, I am trying to get oyu to stop thinking you know what will happen...  to be very blunt, you don't. I was at home today trying to decide if I did work at home or if I would go to a dnace designed to support the marriage equality in MD.  A storm hit and I had to leave for work, which is where I am right now...  2 hours made a difference in my life and it will do the same for you.

All of those emotions you have mentioned here, hundreds or thousands of us have been there, done that, and bought the tee shirts, too.  It is pretty much standard faire for us to go through the kind of thing you are going through. But we do get through it, life does get better though it doesn't get perfect, and things find their own paths and solutions...  The good part is that you don't need to know all about your future right now.

One step at a time...  then another step when you are ready. You cannot do it all at once and I don't think you can do it well alone. Get professional help...  Join support groups. But most of all relax some. The world isn't ending, it is just changing and that happens to everyone.  These COULD be dramatic changes but they should not stop you from loving your children or your wife. They should also allow you to start loving yourself, too.  Your children know how important you are. My guess so does your wife.  Perhaps you need to believe in what they think more...

Telling is a matter of integrity, so I agree with your decision to tell those you love.  It is also a huge display of courage and you should be commended for that.  With character and courage one can tackle an unknown future. I know that is hard see with tear blinded eyes but you will see it clearly in the years ahead.

Hugs, Caroline

Comment by Erin Detty on September 8, 2012 at 8:39pm

You can't help being You! I get so sad when I read posts like this. Never Ever, you can't regret who you are.

Guilt, its out there, some people might want you to feel it, I suggest they try it first. I know its hard, just be the best you can be for those that love you and for yourself. Being a good Dad is an easy thing for you I'm sure, that's all that Really Matters.

The Main thing is be Good to Yourself, Love Yourself, Never forget Your Important Too! Being the Woman that you are is not what would hurt your kids, You would never do anything to hurt your Kids.

Don't ever do Anything to hurt yourself, That would hurt your kids! Your kids need you, Be the Best you, Just be You:) 

                                                           Have Faith,  Erin

Comment by Rachel King on September 8, 2012 at 10:14pm

Yeah, my ears perk up when I read of someone trying to commit the most selfish of acts.

Like your kids won't be haunted by their Dad topping themself?

" Hey Joey, what does your Dad do?"

Eyes down with shame and kicking the dirt, Joey mumbles," He didn't love us enough to hang around, so he hung himself instead."

Another kid scarred for life, just what we need.

Neat scenario, isn't it.

Kids adjust and if they don't have adult interference, they live with it with ease.

People born with a disability didn't ask for their lot in life, any more than we did.

They learn to live with it, as we must do and the way to live with it, is to live it.

We all, to a person, live with the guilt, for varying years due to our circumstances, but there comes a time when we must face our truth, the truth that we are indeed that person our insides are screaming out to tell the world, "This is me!!!!!"

We are going to hurt others, the same as a person who is married and finally, finally, decides that their marriage is not what they want in life.

They too have a guilt, all 60% who marry and later divorce.

Why is our guilt any deeper, any more destructive.

We are in fact another part of the 60%, our reason for the split being the difference.

The other difference, is that we are seldom the ones seeking that divorce, even if we were the instigator of how it came into being.

You came out because the lie didn't fit you any more.

You tired of the guilt.

Now you have spent the last 9 years trying to shove it back in the box but it doesn't fit any more.

Search for where you fit in this life and if that be on your own, make certain you are never alone.

Build your support network, build your funds and remember that it is going to get worse before it gets better but better it does get.

Wherever your path leads you to, it is a sight better being there, than being where you are now.

That's our truth.

Comment by Miranda James on September 8, 2012 at 11:02pm

My wife and I have recently separated and I am in the same situation. My wife is my best friend but I have lived a lie my entire life, I lied to my wife, my friends and family. I spent years denying who I was and it caused so much pain, I hurt her by holding on so tightly to a life that I was never meant to lead. If I just came clean to her from day one I could of prevented her heart from breaking so badly, but she has no bitterness towards me and she knows that this is not my fault. We are good people and when children are involved life becomes more complicated but at the end of the day as long as the love we share for our children never fades we can guarantee our children will love us equally. No matter what, love is the strongest and most influential emotion, my wife and my daughter know that I will never stop loving them regardless of who I become. Good luck, this is a scary path we walk along but we all have a common light we all carry and you are not alone in the darkness!

Comment by Ashley Rea on September 9, 2012 at 4:28pm

I only wish that my ex-wife was so accepting.  She is trying to take away my parental right because I am a transgender woman.  She thinks that I cannot care for our 5 year old son.  I realize that I broke her heart and lied to her and everyone else for so many years.  The issue is now going to go to trial.  I hope to win if I can find someone to help.

Comment by Karen Moate on September 9, 2012 at 5:47pm

I and you and everyone her knows that being transgender doesn't automatically mean you are a bad parent.  I would say that if a person is truly transgender then they have that female nurturing side and  actually make great parents.  It certainly gives a person some perspective of what it feels like for the opposite gender.  For my personal understanding of myself I know that emotionally I am very much female and mentally I would say about half and half the unfortunate part is that physically I am all male.  Your ex may just be  so angry with you that she is being vindictive by refusing access to your own child.  You cannot make a child transgender just by being around you any more than a gay or lesbian couple with kids is going to cause their children to be gay or lesbian just by growing up around them.  It doesn't work that way and the only people who actually KNOW that are the people affected by being in the GLBQT community.   "Normal" people probably cannot understand that too well.  Keep in mind that the angrier someone is at you is probably the inverse of how much they truly loved you as well.  We (my wife and I) are going to try and find someone  who can mediate things  and try and help us understand each other.  Rachel is very right in saying you cannot predict the future.  It isn't over until it is over.  I think if you truly love someone you should really try to see things from the other persons perspective.  This can be very difficult for non-trans people as the whole issue cannot possibly be understoood by them.  In my area we are sorely lacking in transgender resources  for a capitol city.  You have to travel north or south to get the help you need.   But if you need help and you want to try and work things out you will do whatever  you possibly can before giving up.  

Comment by Brenda Kaitlin on September 9, 2012 at 6:26pm

I came out to my wife of 21 years on July 17, 2012. Of course she was hurt, but she says the biggest source of pain is the fact that I kept it to myself all of these years. She questioned if she had been part of a facade I concocted to look normal. We acknowledge that our love is strong, but we know that may not be enough. We are both seeing therapist. I have started going to a Transgender support group that she found for me. I have yet to start transitioning. She says I am in a cocoon. She is afraid that in the coming years I will leave her. I am afraid in the future she wont want to stay. She is my soulmate, but there is only so much a person can take.

Comment by Erin Detty on September 9, 2012 at 7:06pm

My wife of 32 years and I have been transitioning for 4 years now, full time for a little more than 2, 1/2 years, where still together. You have quiet a road ahead of you.

There is times still that I wonder but things have got a lot better in the last 2 or so months. I'm an optimist I feel we will find our way, I have had to hold a lot in and learned to be very patient, after all I started this and I'm going to have to be strong or it will at come apart.

I'm very lucky, the people I work for like me and find me to be a good employee, I talk to my boss for a wile last week I don't have anything to worry about so that helps, I have wasted a lot of time worrying about everything.

I learned to walk away from those who were not good for me to have around, some of them were family, Hard, but better I have found over the long haul.

I think that we all might worry about things too much. Just relax and be positive and I think we all have a much better chance of success. 

Comment by Lauren Elisabeth Tancyus on September 9, 2012 at 8:13pm

honey, I'm not clear if this came from her recently or not from what you wrote. If it isn't recent, please don't assume the relationship must end. Patty is really unhappy about my being a transsexual and we have to negotiate around my needs and her needs. Will the relationship last until death do we part? I don't know. I hope so. I do know I want to complete my transition soon and am very close to that. I do need to be complete though. I do want to complete this part of the journey and live as I am.

Perhaps there is a knowledgable therapist in your area, I really hope so!

hugs, Sherri 

Comment by Galina Edwards on September 9, 2012 at 10:32pm

Like Rachel, when I here or read the words suicide I just shudder. A person may think (because the mind is a tricky thing) suicide is right at that moment but, It is a permanent action to a temporary situation.  Stick around and things will work out.

There is another thing that happens that people do not think about i.e. children copy their parents.  If someone commits suicide then the child sometimes grows up thinking it is them to do the same thing.  My daughter married a man whose father committed suicide.  He believes it is his destiny to commit suicide.

So girl-up, be the woman you want to be and be there for you and your children.  You will find love, I did.

Hugs, Galina

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