February 2010 I will never forget... Its the month my spouse told me she found out "what was wrong with her." Those were her words... not mine.
The past couple of years before this came about we were struggling financial due to the economy. We were a normal married couple with normal married issues. The money issues made us fight a little like most. During those times my spouse made several attempts at the "get rich quick" which unded up hurting us more. These attempts were made behind my back with no knowledge. But I eventually would figure it out. It made us fight and my spouse became more distant.
Then that one day happened... The way it was brought to my attention, to me... was quite strange. Its was late night just after my spouse got off work. He (at the time) comes in the door doesn't even say Hi and says... "I figured out what's wrong with me." I stood in the kitchen like...Huh? I said What do you mean... what's wrong with you? Then my spouse blurted... I'm a woman. Here.... I found this on the internet.. It's called HBS. My spouse wanted me to read everything then and there but instead I asked him to explain. Funny thing was I wasn't shocked or upset. I was more curious to find out why he felt that way.
We had a very open sex life that included several fetishes. One of them being cross dressing.... I know... ding ding ding... Right? lol... gotta laugh at this point. But the fetishes came in phases and would then end. Anyway, because of the fetishes and us being very sexual I thought it was a way to say I want to dress like a woman more often and go out this way more often. Which I had no problem with. I loved the diversity of our lives sexually. A couple of years back when the cross dressing was prominent in our sex life... he had tried to bring into his place of work. He would be dressed as his gender (male) but put on a light shade of eye shadow. At that time and many times before, even before we were married and just friends... He would do things for the shock value and to get a reaction. I thought that he was just trying to show people how "freaky" his sexual life was. He always discussed our bedroom antics with people to see the reaction.
It got to the point where I had finally said to him... That he needed to stop doing these things at work because they were starting to become annoyed and uncomfortable at work. The people he worked with were mutual friends of mine, so I would get the phone calls and concerns. It stopped at work and he left it for the home.
To get back on track here... we discussed his new found discovery for a few days. Everyday he became more persistant and I became the Devils Advocate... I asked " How do you read something on the internet to discover who you are? Isn't this something you just know?"
Am I wrong for asking that? Is that a valid question?
The past almost 2 years I have read so many articles and talked with so many people and no one has ever stated having to read something to know who they are. We had so much experience in sexuality that all genders were very clear and understood. My partner also Bi Sexual. We had other sexual experiences together and with other people, how could something so clear not be recognized in my spouse? Why would it take reading something to know? Could this be a sexual experience/phase/sexual addiction?
Im not oblivious to this being truly who she is... Im just looking for feedback and point of view. I am very saddened Im no longer with my spouse... as I was pushed away for not understanding and questioning the other posibilities, possibilities of emotional stress, anger and feeling failure to gender and the expectations of what society has labeled of how that gender should act/be.. My other blogs explain quite a bit....
So I guess my biggest question for now is... How did you know and when?
Please feel free to address anything in my blog...
Thanks for listening