I have so many questions...

Comment by Caroline Grace on October 10, 2011 at 1:34pm

Since I have no way of knowing your spouse it would be totally wrong of me to diagnose whatever is going on here.. Anything I share will be things that could be the case for transgender people.

 

Unlike the stereotype it is pretty rare to meet a TG person who knew about their situation all their lives. So discovering this condition is not uncommon. Then hindsight puts all the pieces from youth together. TG people in general run as far as they can to avoid dealing with being TG. Unfortunately, there is no way to do that if you truly are TG.  Once you know the facts, you certainly can't lie to those you love.  How one finally comes to understanding themselves can happen from any source, though the internet has helped...  As a child I used to read every article I could find about transsexuals.  Then I searched internet. Then I went to counseling hoping it was something else and if it wasn't that they had better treatments than they did when I was a youth.

 

In my humble opinion counseling helps the TG person become comfortable with their new understanding.  IF the person is TG there are all different "levels" of how they may express themselves.

 

When you first learn about this it is shocking.  Most spouses get angry at one point or another.  Most will grieve the loss of the "old" person. Many will eventually embrace the "new" person.  There are quite a few marriages that continue though I wish more would. I just celebrated a 23rd anniversary with one couple.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep talking and learning...  Love doesn't cause this and it sure doesn't cure it.  I mention that because many times TG folks are among the most loving and kind people you could ever meet.  Your spouse might just be a true gem.  I also recognize that when confronted with this kind of change it is really hard to open to seeing the greatness of one's spouse.

Comment by Deborah Swainhart on October 10, 2011 at 2:36pm

Thank You Caroline... There is always 2 sides to every story and since I am the only voice here, I really try to stay to facts that happened so I can get the most acurate or understanding to the situation. It only benifits me to be as true as possible.

We were best friends before our marraige and were married to other people during our friendship. Anything and everything was discussed (or thought is was). We had always been so open about everything... so open in fact that others would shy away from our conversations. We were the same people in 2 different bodies... Same concepts, willing to explore with no judgement of each other, letting each other be who we are with no fear. I knew he was Bi... didn't care. I knew he was very sexual... No complaints there!... Even after we were married years later... we talked about everything. So I guess I assumed.... that everything was out in open. We had trandgendered friends and friends that were not... So I assumed... that during friendship, if there was any time to say something would have been then. My spouse knowing my backround and history I assumed... he would have been comfortable to state that he felt like a woman. I guess I assumed to much.

I understand if your young and dont quite understand the feelings and you read articles or use the internet and discover these facts... But not at the age he is nor the experiences we shared. Maybe Im ignorant or most likely just stubborn because I'm not ready to let go. I also have experienced so many phases and fetishes that have come and gone, that in the back of my head im fearful my spouse is making a mistake. Only she knows the truth... there are so many contradictions with her transition and so much anger and disappointments in prior gender role and towards people in her past, that I am truely concered.  I feel... some things need to be tended to thru therapy before she goes any further in her transition. I was just told a few days ago that she is going in for breast augmentation and facial femm. I am going to post a blog on that as well in a few days as I need to gather my thoughts.

I really wanted to work things out... but there is so much anger. Ive tried to remain friends, but that's not going so well either. She wants a silent friend with no opinions or imput. To let her do as she wishes and say nothing.

I really want the best for her... But am i wrong for suggesting therapy and telling her that she should wait a bit and resolve some issues? Or do i just let her do what she wants and stand back and watch?

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on October 10, 2011 at 4:19pm

Hi Deb,

 

I think what your spouse is trying to say is the feelings that were present all her life now made sense as they were defined through reading similar experiences. It happened to me, as I began investigating via internet why I had behaved more as a woman during my life and had angst over having a beard and body hair, liked dressing as a female would, would not go around barechested without feeling extremely creepy etc.

 

Even if your spouse believed you were an accepting person, believing you REALLY would accept her is hard to believe and in addition she needed to fully be convinced she is female. When I went to the therapist, I was hoping I was not transsexual, I wanted her to tell me I was anything but, that somehow there was a pill, number of sessions or a lobotomy to "cure" me.

 

I think she really does need therapy and I am somewhat surprised that she has shut you out not desiring input considering you describe yourself as an open individual.

 

I agree with Caroline, you have to try to attend to yourself at this time, if she is not listening to you and attempting to be amiable.

Comment by Deborah Swainhart on October 10, 2011 at 6:12pm

Thanks Marsha. I appreciate your imput. I was at a funeral this past friday and it really hit me. I never got to say goodbye to old person... Because the transition happened immediately on the outside within a week. First day every ounce of hair was shaved. I feel such a loss... with no closure.

We were going to Transgender Therapist... at first I was ok with it. But to me something wasn't right. She had corrected her gender but HATED defining male/female. How can you be a gender therapist and not define it when people are coming to you to do just that? I told the therapist several times that she stated she wanted to commit suicide and she even stated in a session the same thing. She just sat back, listened, and at the end said OK see you next week. Really? I thought she would have done a 72 hour hold to be quite honest... but maybe im wrong. There will several very severe situations that I explained to her and she ignored it. I didnt like her statement to me either about why she did her bottom half... but im learning is quite normal. She did it for medical reasons only... if she was in an accident or a bad situation.

The one thing I agreed with her... was having 2 therapist... her and a non transgender therapist. My spouse stated to several people and on PE that she was going to that. She never did. Those underlying issues are not what she wants to deal with. Being at the funeral put so much in perspective to me. I expressed my concern to my spouse and she went balistic. I feel thru any transition therapy is important. She holds so much anger, and I only hope that after this surgery coming up... those underlying issues dont conflict.

She states she is still going thru therapy... only she knows if she is. She stated her therapist is ok with her going thru these procedures at this time. I find that hard to believe. She wats to ignore her past and not deal with any part of it including me. She has not completed any facail hair removal or chest hair... not under the care of a doctor... has had no testing for proper hormones or proper hormone therapy etc...etc.... BUT... I dont know if women do these things not needing care.... Im just going by what I have read. Once again I just want the best for her... I feel she would be an injustice if she didnt do these things for herself.

I am trying to work on things on my end, but currently keep getting blindsided. I moved to Calif to try and restart life. But... I keep finding myself being stifled by others. Im livivng with my parents. They only have negative things to say... and I came here for support and a fresh start. They want no part of my life from the past 2 years nor care to ask about it. I feel trapped as I am trying to heal...and I can't.

I know it will happen one day... just need to find some peace, understanding and compassion.

Comment by Allison Elizabeth on October 10, 2011 at 8:13pm

Deborah,

Years ago when my wife & I were engaged, I tried to tell her about Allison. As I started to tell her a sudden wave of fear over possibly losing her hit & I determined then and there that telling her was not worth the risk of losing her. I was going to quit being a crossdresser! Needless to say, that didn't happen. As the years went by & my dressing remained in the closet I found myself making more & more mistakes in Hiding Allison and taking more and more chances in when I would dress. I realized that I had to tell her before I "got caught". Since then, I have researched everything I could find and you know what? I STILL don't know what I am! My wife & I continue to try & figure out how Allison fits into things. (No pun intended but with me being as fat as I am I really do wonder how I fit into things! Does this dress make me look fat? No, all my fat makes me look fat! But I digress) The one thing I do know is that this is a long, hard, confusing journey. There are no easy answers nor is there a set path that each of us follows. All I can advise you to do is to be honest with one another, be open and willing to respect one another, and continue to love one another. If there is anything else I can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask.

Comment by Caroline Grace on October 10, 2011 at 9:08pm

Anger is an expected emotion to the news and the transition.  Every important person in my life (children, family, friends) probably felt that.  Grieving is part of the process of any transition and as a transition this one is a whopper, don't you think?

 

Since I started transition at 54 I can attest that for some of us it takes a while before we can deal with this.  I have known some that transitioned in their 60's.

 

Being TG is an almost impossible thing to deal with so thinking about committing suicide is not uncommon for TG folks. A full 41% can report attempting suicide at some point in their lives. Then there are those who were successful in their attempts.  But I believe that therapists can distinguish between those who are suicidal and those who were simply thinking about it.  Might I point out that most of those serious about suicide aren't planning for a future - they believe they have not future.

 

I have been full time for more than a year and haven't done any professional hair removal at all. I shave everyday with 6 bladed razors from CVS. Hormones knocked out a lot of body hair and I was advised by my doctor not to do hair removal until on hormones at least 3 months.  I've had FFS in April, so I chose this before hair removal, too.

 

Despite myths to the contrary, in adult onset TG conditions there is no direct link between being TG and sexual orientation. I have read stats that suggest almost 70 percent are attracted to women, and the rest are either into men, Bi, or asexual...

 

The AMA, APA, NASW, WPATH and many others recognize that being transgender has appropriate medical treatments for many TG people.  These often include FFS, hormones, therapy, and reassignment surgery.   rather that substitute their thinking, religious views, and decisions about my psychological conditions I asked that my loved ones rely on the facts - that I have very well trained people working to help me.  May I assume that your spouse has the same?

 

Using available medical treatments for "a serious medical condition" is really a sign of health.  This is what the AMA calls gender incongruency.  If it were any other medical condition would you be so angry?  So disappointed? I believe that you would benefit from having help to get through this situation. Please don't take that suggestion the wrong way. I fully acknowledge that transitions are painful for all involved. Anger and disappointment are part of those emotions. But people do get through them eventually.  It seems like you have done a lot to try to be supportive and now it just might be time for you to seek support for you.

 

Most TG people do not want to leave their spouses, nor do they want to cause them any pain.  It drives most of us almost insane. Stupidly many think suicide would be a better alternative. Little do they know that suicide perpetuates hurt, pain, and anger forever.

 

 

Comment by Lauren Elisabeth Tancyus on October 10, 2011 at 9:33pm

I don't know Caroline...... every one of my patients and all my friends as well as myself had a very early awareness of being of the opposite gender. i have heard reports of people coming to this conclusion later in life, but it isn't common in my experience.

 

Comment by Nicole Aime on October 11, 2011 at 3:11am

Deborah, I knew I was a girl at age 11. However, I had no idea that I could do anything other than make the best of being male until I stumbled on Christine Jorgensen's book when I was 21. That was just after I married my first and only wife.
As for anger, I know you are talking about that of your husband. But, I bet you fell some too. And you have every right to feel that way. In fact, I sometimes wish my wife would throw something at me rather than just holding it all in.
I admire you for your willingness to support your husband and I appreciate the you are concerned for her. But from what I see, she is going to have to do this on her own. Someday, and I hope not too late, she will come to appreciate you too.
Stay with us, we will support you and care for you in all of our glorious diversity.
Sorry I can't write more. Sitting in my father in law's hospitle room and all I have is my iPhone to peck on.
Hugs, dear lady.

Comment by Caroline Grace on October 11, 2011 at 6:41am

@ Sherri - There is a huge difference between really knowing you are transgender and knowing that something is amiss gender wise.  Read Karen's comments below telling of her AHA moment. Looking backward I believe many can find the memories that let us know that this condition has been with us all of our lives and isn't going away. But I will also tell you that I have read researchers reports that KNOWING it as fact during our youth is really rare.  Since reading that stat I have asked dozens of gals I know and that has pretty much been the case.  Sure many TSs have known they felt differently, crossed-dressed, felt associated with transsexuals when they read of them in newspapers or on line, but I have only known one who said aloud in their teens I am transsexual.  FtMs are entirely different. They get it at a much earlier age and I know many who have transitioned in college.

 

But for many their AHA moment comes on later on in life. That moment did not happen in their youth.  In fact, current stats on youth who have proclaimed that they are trans in their youth, and these are widely accepted, have suggested that 60% to 70% end up as Bisexual or Homosexual and feel no need to deal with transgender issues.  I have taken issue with these simply because I do not believe their is longevity to those studies.   The youth were evaluated in their early 20's. Because I believe that AHA moments comes later on for many transwomen, I think these studies need to continue.

I also take issue with these studies because our lives are a complex interaction on many levels. We still eat, we still sleep, and we still have sex. I do not believe that there is a direct connection between gender and sexual activity which I think these studies imply. I am trans and I eat, therefore my eating is caused by being transgender. I sleep and I am trans, therefore I sleep because I am trans.  I have sex and I am trans, therefore I choose the gender of my partners because I am trans.  The idea that it is directly associated fails me. Any person will choose to sleep with someone that they feel comfortable with and who they believe will accept them for who they are, so being trans does impact a person's selection.

 

Lastly, I don't know of a single person who has decided that transition is the best way for them to go that can sit on that knowledge for decades and not tell those they love. Rather I think many of us repress or deny that knowledge by saying stuff like to ourselves, "I'm just a cross-dresser. I can do that on my own and there's no need to tell anyone else."  Or we might say something like this to our partners, "I think it would be fun in bed if we switched roles. You 'll be the man and I'll be the woman."

 

In my case I did not tell my son or my significant other or others about my stuff hidden in the closet because I thought I could control it. The trigger for me to examine who I am was when she would say, "You are the best man I know," and I would start to cry. It wasn't until my youngest child had become an adult in my mind that I could stop repressing the truth. And despite how much I love either one of them and others, it couldn't change the facts that I am transgender. Both of them fully know I would give my life for them.  That's why I know love doesn't cause this, nor can it cure this...

 

Indeed I don't know of any person who is transgender who entered into a marriage fully knowing they transgender but without telling the other person. I know of no one who can sit with the knowledge that they are transsexual for more than 3 years without telling others and that is really a stretch. Most I know tell all within 2 years, and many far faster than that...  So I do think many of us have AHA moments later in life... and that is why so many transwomen come to terms with being TG / TS

Comment by Caroline Grace on October 11, 2011 at 6:54am

Dr. Kenneth Zucker's study showed that about 12% of youth who were diagnosed by age 12 continued saying they wanted gender changes when questioned in their 20's.  Sadly this is same guy, I believe, that is heading up changes to the DSM...

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