It seems like all I've been posting lately is depressed non-uplifting blogs. I am Sorry. Today, I have hit rock bottom. I have no more hope that things will ever work out for me and there is no hope of me ever being able to be happy. I have also come to the conclusion that, in spite of some really great people here, Pink Essence is not what i am looking for. I don't know how to go on so I will try & list some of my concerns.
Yes, i have been depressed a lot lately and thoughts of suicide weigh very heavily on my mind. Don't worry, there is a difference between thought & attempts and I am too much of a coward to do it. Yet, despite many posts hinting & begging for people to be friends with, I still can't make any friends. Yes, people will address my blogs with genuine concern but after 3 days no one seems to care anymore. I have tried to do everything I know how to reach out to others to no avail. I have tried to do what I can to help others and it just comes back to bite me. In fact, the one person who I have spent the most time writing to, trying to offer her encourgement and support, apparently now thinks I am really just someone trying to spy on her in order to give ammunition for legal action to her estranged wife.
I have sadly come to two inescapable conclusions regarding PE. #1 is that I am NOT like everyone else here. I am not in a position where transition is an option and since I am not heading towards GRS That places me in a different boat from the main membership of PE Or at least in a different section of the boat. Conclusion #2 is that the internet is NOT a place to try to make real friends. Everyone else here has more than their share of problems to deal with & I can't fault anyone for not taking any time to help me deal with mine.
now some of you will be and have been saying to go see a therapist. I have made an appointment and drove 90+ miles to see here today, only to discover that she had to reschedule at the last minute due to a family emergency. So even TRYING to do something right doesn't work for me.
For those that have helped me in the past I want to say Thank You. Teresa especially. You have my e-mail address. I'd love to stay in touch if possible but if you want to dump me too, I'll understand. Caroline, Congratulations on your upcoming surgery! I hope that everything goes very smoothly & the recuperation time is very short & easy for you! Everyone else Good Luck & may you find what you are searching for.
At this point I do not know what to do concerning PE. I may leave I may not. But do not worry about responding or trying to convince me to stay here unless you are SERIOUS about HELPING. Please don't say that you're here for me & will check in on me if you don't mean it. I can't take any more false hope just to have them dashed again in a few days. I am right now at the end of my rope, and I've grown tired of hanging on. I think it's time to just let go & let the chips fall where they may.
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. That is NOT my intention. It's just that I am literally using the last of my strength and willpower to fight back the tears that have been flowing all day so that I can see the keyboard to say Goodbye.
Right now I am leaning towards leaving so unless anyone can convince me that I should stay & PROVE it to me that I should, I think it's time for me to say Goodbye before I screw up more things. I'll check this for a couple of days to give PE one more chance and clarify things if need be but unless I miss my guess this is probably the end of my time here.
Thank You, Good Luck & Good Bye