I have never written a blog here before. I hope I can write the words of my heart. I am a 51 year old special educator. I have known I was a girl since I was 5. This was 5 years before I even knew there were others like me. That being said I spent a lot of years running from me. I would collect clothes and then purge over and over again. 27 and a half years ago I married my spouse. On the honeymoon the feeling of being a woman raised her head and I told my spouse about me but I assured her that I had beaten everything else in my life and would beat this. For too long being me was something that frightened me, something I fought. I did try for so long and for a long time hated that part of me. Every so often my spouse would find my clothes and get angry at me. She told me that she wasn't gay and I would have to leave if I ever decided I had to be a girl full time. So I fought me and as each year went past the the urgency grew more and more insistent. Over the years I had researched things enough to know that I would lose everything, family, spouse, friends, career everything. This terrified me.
11 years ago I finally accepted me being transsexual but still I ran. Seven years ago when I was living in California I Started counseling and six years ago even had my letter for my endo but did not have the courage to go. 18 months ago I was so desperate that I came dangerously close to trying to end my life but instead started back in Counseling in Georgia. 5 years ago I allowed my 4 children to find out about me. All expressed the same kind of anger my spouse has. Six months ago I ran again for what was to be my final act of running. I thought I was about to sign a contract for my first book to be published. My "agent read some comments I wrote on writers site where I openly expressed who I was. He told me unless I hid that there was going to be no money so I ran again. He turned out not to have any contract.
About thee weeks ago I became so depressed and so despondent worse than I had ever experienced before, so I knew that whatever the cost, whatever the pain I had no other option but to become the girl I was always meant to be. I have reached the point where I never thought I would be. I went to therapy last week. When I left her office, for the first time ever I found that I love the girl who I am. I have mapped out what I need to do. I know I will lose everything. My hope is to build friends here and a couple of other places. I hope to write books that will give me an income so that I can pay for whatever processes I need and to provide for my family. I have never felt so at peace with myself and so calm.I love to teach but I know people like me are not considered worthy of teaching children. So teaching in special education will be closed for me. I could not leave my field for any other reason.
I teach kids who are profoundly mentally challenged. Two of my children who do not speak communicate with hugs and touch. A week ago I started wearing bras every day. I do not have enough curves to justify wearing bras for physical support, but they enhance my curves and give me emotional support. These two students have both felt the outline of my bras and now treat me as a lady almost as another mother and I adore that feeling. It makes me softer in my speech and my actions. The more I openly act as a lady the more I love being me.
To anyone who might be reading this, thank you. I am so grateful. I hope I can make some new friends and get reacquainted with old friends who I stopped visiting with a while ago. To you wonderful ladies i am so sorry. Please forgive me. I had no idea what treasures I had in your friendships. I do now more than i can say. I hate to be so needy but for right now I really am very needy of real freinds.
Kimberlyann Marie Ewing