I know who I am and have always known. I'm not going in to that here because I think we've all been here before. I've been on HRT since last September and living as myself since August of last year. Now at first I'm fairly certain I looked like another man in a dress to a lot of people, but that has changed to.
During the month of December my hormones were all kinds of wacky and I was a real bitch, and I admit I was.
Prior to that I began noticing that everyone that I was very close to, friends as well as family were beginning to pull away. At first I lied to myself and said it was just me, and everything and everyone was ok. Time has marched on and they have walked away. And so began my 5 stages of grieving. First as I said was the denial, and that lasted a good while, then next came anger, which I'm not sure I'm completely finished with. Blaming myself mainly. I could see that when I was miserable others were happy, but now that I'm happy others are unhappy. I know their pain has everything to do with me; which leads into the depression stage. It's in this stage where I am only now beginning to pull out of. It is here that my life doesn't seem to be as important as all those around me. What gives me the right to make so many others miserable? I am but one woman and they are many. I've even dabbled in the bargaining stage a little by saying that who needs them, I will make new friends. This stage may be the shortest of all, because I need them! I'm not one of many friends, so the few I have I hold very very dear to me. And the thought of losing them forever is overwhelming. I have cried and bawled over this so so many times that now I am beginning to harden my resolve, and this makes me uncomfortable as well.
My brothers and sisters are gone now. My oldest brother whom I have the most respect and love for refuses to talk to me. Finally, with tears streaming down my cheeks to the point I could hardly type, I sent him an email saying it was ok for him to say goodbye and walk away, that I understood because of how I had lied to him and everyone else for so many years. One of my other brothers told our cousin that he does not have a sister named Vicki, and my other brother won't call or accept my calls. My oldest sister hung in there as long as she could, but now she has been keeping her distance. And finally my younger sister has accused me of trying to bed my brother in law who is also my friend.
I try, I really do try to keep it all together. I know I'm not to blame for being me. Thats probably the only thing that keeps me alive these days. People say to me in jest, you wanted to be a woman. And I respond by telling them no I didn't. I only want to be normal and happy, I never asked to be singled out and called a freak. I've always tried to somewhat blend and not be the sore thumb or the squeaky wheel. I don't want understanding, I only ask for acceptance. I don't need special laws or rules just for me. I don't want anyone to have to make allowances for me. This is so hard to finish writing.
I hope I will make it to the acceptance stage soon. I could really use the break.