Well months have gone by since my last post and all I can say is that in the time from my last post to today my life was uncomplicated and simple, calm waters have caused me to be unprepared for what I am facing today. Several months back I slowly started to push my wife away, it started with my lack of motivation when she asked me to do things around the house. I stopped doing thoughtful things for her to show how much I care, we started fighting sometimes over stupid things and I just could not withdraw myself long enough to realize I was causing the friction. Other things started to show up during this time, like when I would look at a natural woman in the past I would admire her beauty. Now when I look at a natural woman I feel envy, envy to live life as I was meant to live it. To have the freedom I desire and to finally come out of my chrysalis and spread my wings, instead of being on solitary lock down at home with no social life. So now I stand on a bridge over troubled waters and I must cross that bridge if I am ever going to be free and see if I can live the way my mind sees it. My wife approached me the other day and suggested that I move out for about a month, this news came with some reluctance because she has been all I have ever known for the past 10 years. She is calling it my hall pass and she is allowing me to do what ever my heart desires, now this may sound like a sweet deal but this also means she gets a pass as well. Now to most jealous husbands this normally would not fly but I know that because of who I am she is not getting the attention she needs from a man, does it hurt to hear that my wife needs something I can't give her? Of course but I don't let it bother me, all I want to see is her happy and if her hall pass leads her to that happiness then so be it. I can't be the brutish masculine Adonis that she needs in her life, instead I am more like her lesbo best friend with benefits. So now I am starting my journey across this bridge sooner than expected and although I may have fear in my mind, the fear of failure, exposure, ridicule, hatred, and bogus misinterpretations of what I am I will boldly strap on my heels and march into the unknown. My biggest fear however is what if I like what I have found on the other side, what if a feeling of contentment surrounds me changing the entire game. These what if questions are the dangling carrots leading me, taunting me to keep snapping at it with hopes that I can finally take a big bite. Can I find happiness not only on the outside but inside as well, and if I do is it worth leaving a family over. My wife has made it ever so clear that she did not marry a woman and that our daughter will never no the truth until she is an adult, so here I stand on that bridge at the beginning of my journey wishing I could fast forward through time to see my final outcome and how everything turned out, but I don't have the capability to do such things so I shall do what every lady in here has done into the past and step off that bridge. Wish me luck!
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