I am trying my hardest to reach out and join a community that understands the challenges my family faces. When I married my husband I had no idea he really wanted to be a female. I didn't find out he wanted to be a she until after I had my second child. I felt confused and dazed like I was in another world, that none of this was real. Sometimes I still feel that way. At first I wanted nothing more then to tell my family and his family so that I didn't have to carry around this huge secret and maybe I might be able to talk to someone that could help me sort out my feelings. I loved J very much but I am and always will be very hetrosexual. Then when I started thinking about all the baggage that comes with telling my family and his family, the hatred, the questioning, the..what about the kids..I didn't want anyone to know..EVER! I wanted to hide it away like a dirty little secret..I felt like he did all his life why can't I and what if this is just some wierd phase he is going through. For years I didn't want to know about what transgender really was..how he must feel inside I only focused on my pain and his selfishness. Then a friend of mine from facebook posted a video on facebook of these two young girls doing a sketch about what it feels like to be transgender, they hooked arms and the front side was what she appeared to be and the back side was what she really was inside. As they were screaming out thier frustrations and all the emotions they felt but didn't dare share to anyone tears where streaming down my face. I got it..finally I got it..I couldn't stop crying off and on that day because instead of feeling my pain that day I kept feeling my husbands. I kept imagining this little boy from southern missouri wanting so despratly to tell someone who he really was but knowing neither one of his parents would understand and as a matter of fact would probably try and beat it out of him. I knew then that I had to try my best to be his support. I started looking things up about spouses of transgender M to F. I read as much as I could and I started asking lots of questions. Sometimes it was hard for her to answer me, she didn't want to tell me how she felt..this was no different from when we first got married. It would take me weeks for EJ to tell me what was bothering her when we first got married. Fast forward to today..She picked her name we told my family we told our children, she dresses at home and takes hormones..she is still working on improving herself and so am I. We still have our challenges because like I said I am still very much hetrosexual but we talk more now, it doesn't bother me to see her dressed out and I think even if we don't make it romantically she will always be my best friend, the one who knows me better then anyone else on earth. So even though my "husband" is now female (well almost) she still has the same interest , the same temper, the same vulnerabilities, the same sweetness about her that I fell in love with ten years ago. Different but the same..this is a little bit of my story so that hopefully everyone will get to know me better. I am trying very hard to be as open minded as possible and to learn and grow.