Different but the same

Comment by Robin Bittner-Montoya on July 23, 2012 at 11:42am

Hi Megan, 

It is a very challenging situation and will continue to be so for the rest of your relationship.  I know b/c I have been through a similar scenario.  I had no clue when I married Tim that Tia was in there. Fortunately our children were from different spouses and were, for the most part, grown when Tia arrived.  Having children together has to be particularly difficult.  I have learned that if you have love you can make it through this.  They ARE the same person and I can attest to that.  We actually live a traditional lifestyle with Tia assuming the traditional "husband" roles just like before.  We pretty much keep to ourselves which is a sharp contrast to our pre-transition life.  I don't fit in exactly with the lesbian crowd even though Tia does.  We don't know any other trans-couples and family on either side are not supportive.  I would be happy to communicate with you if it would help you get through this.  I will send a friend request so we can exchange e-mail addresses.  Good luck and remember: Love can conquer all....REALLY.

Comment by Megan Strickland on July 23, 2012 at 1:02pm

Robin

Thank you that means a lot. For a long time I thought I was just alone. Like, I could find support groups for Elaina all day long but all you could find on spouses where divorce rates..thats not what I wanted. I wanted to make it work I just didn't know how with all my conflicting feelings. Having kids does present a challange but not for the reasons people would think, my son is 6 and my daughter is 4. They don't care if daddy looks like a boy or a girl, they love him no matter what. As a matter fact sometimes they like Elaina better then Jason. The challange comes when both sides of the family don't' understand and think I am damaging my children by "exposing" them to Elaina. They think I am going to confuse them about thier own sexuality. It's really hard constantly having to justify your actions with your own children when to be perfectly honest I'm not real sure about anything I'm doing at all.

Comment by Robin Bittner-Montoya on July 23, 2012 at 2:40pm

Ever heard that expression "out of the mouth of babes"?  Well, I think your children are demonstrating to us "more knowledgable adults" exactly how we should feel about all transgendered souls!  God bless them for that!  I don't think transgender has much to do with sexuality or sex.  It is more about the gender that that person identifies themselves with. I had an ah-ha moment when Cher commented about Chaz; that if she woke up and found herself in a male body she would be screaming "Get me outta here!"  That made me realize what it must have been like for Tim.  Sure s/he put up a good fight: took shop, excelled in sports, joined the Marines, learned to fish, hunt, boat and all about electricity and maps but that only lasted 40 years and the girl was seeping out along the seams 10 years (at least) before that!  Looking back, there were clues: Tim was a small guy compared to his brothers, strong (I once observed him pick up an armoire all by himself) but also had a hernia repair at age 32!  We wear the same size shoes and Tim had to buy his 28" waist pants in the boy's department!!  S/he would always hang in the kitchen with the girls most of the time unless there was a football/baseball/basketball game on.  I fell in love with Tim b/c he WAS different than most guys (that's now an understatement) and we had so much more in common.  S/he is and will ALWAYS be my best, best, BEST friend.  That's an ideal marriage if ever there was one.  Is this the marriage I dreamt of as a little girl?  HELL NO  but when I look at all the f@!ked up relationships out there, we kinda look "normal".  It is the world that is making this difficult for us; our families, the "Christians", society.  The older I get the less I think we understand regarding this life, God, the human condition, how to treat each other.....   I do know that love is the only power we have as humans and that if used correctly it can conquer ANYTHING.  I love this person whether she wears a dress or pants and I don't accept that is wrong on any level.  Am I pissed? sometimes....she wears a size 6, never has to exercise and eats whatever the hell she wants!!!!  LOL  This will bring out the best and the worst in you that's for sure but I believe only souls that are up for the challenge are given this unique gift. E-mail me anytime!  R 

Comment by Chely Thompson on July 23, 2012 at 5:41pm

Megan you are a very strong and understanding woman! Being transgendered I to was married for 25 years and as I look back I know my wife had to go through a lot her herself being heterosexual. She knew about Chely not long in to our relationship and was really cool with it, she would help me get dressed and we would go shopping and go to clubs together for years. I thought she was ok with it until one day she told me that she married a man and wanted a man and she knew I was a woman. She wanted out. It hurt me tremendously but I understood. We are friends to this day. I know how your husband feels, I held in these feelings all my life knowing that I was female all my thoughts were that of a woman. I thought that there was something wrong witrh me in the beginning I didn't want this burden the rest of my life. I thought I could cure myself of these thoughts. I did everything I could think of that was masculin. That is why I got married I figured I would do what guys did and it would go away. WRONG.. No matter what I did it didn't work. I went to church praye dthat these feelings would go away. I realized that is who I was. I was Chely and I couldn't erase who I was. I have just now came out and have started taking hormones and finally when I look in the mirror it will match the person I see there with the person I have always been on the inside! It is like I was imprisoned for life this woman I hid on the inside and now she has been pardoned and set free out at last! What a feeling of freedom! To quote an old song "I'm the happiest girl in the whole USA" I just want to wish you luck and love will keep you together no matter what type of relationship you end up. Chloe is a perfect example of how you can make it! Hugs and please know that there is help here on this site so many ladies ready and willing to talk to you about any hurdle you go through!.....Chely

Comment by Megan Strickland on July 24, 2012 at 11:18am

Thank you Chely I appreciate your imput. Your story is so similar to Jasons. I know how hard he tried to suppress it and how discouraged he gets sometimes because he can't progress as fast as he would like. Most of it is due to lack of income. That is why I try to be patient with him and try and be understanding. Elaina doesn't share her feelings very well, she has trained herself to hold them in which in turn makes her act in anger alot. So I know Jason sharing Elaina with me is huge! I was the first person he ever told how he truly felt...ever!! How could I react badly when it took so much courage for him to tell me the truth. He always tells me that the reason why we last is because I'm so selfless but I also thinks its because I see him trying to change how he handles things and it makes me want to keep trying and keep fighting for this relationship that I know is going to be wonderful at the end of this bumpy road we have to travel first. I wish you luck with your journey and you truly are an inspiraton to me. Hugs :)

Comment by HELEN BRADY on July 24, 2012 at 2:35pm

And YOU, you are a very wonderful woman and help to your female husband. I am also fortunate enough in my life to have someone like you. I used to be her boyfriend, but we are now the best of girlfriends and her whole family accepts me, and the first time I met her grandson he gave me a huge hug.

Comment by Megan Strickland on July 24, 2012 at 5:00pm

Ahh thank you Helen that was very sweet! :)

Comment by Jamie Robin Gardner on July 24, 2012 at 8:08pm

Thanks for sharing a pai ful,touching, and beautiful personnel story.

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