"We are One"
Changes in perspective almost 2 years post op and 6 years full time.
I've experience a remarkable change in perspective since I started transition now 7 years ago. Back then I could hardly think about anything but gender and my discomfort. I started hormones and had immediate peace and calm and it resulted in me being asked to leadership positions in my work and my favorite activity then, theater and in the local Kiwanis club. But as I came out anxiety became intense as I was 'uninvited' . It appeared to me that ordinary people like the characteristics of a person who has finally become comfortable in their skin as long as it does not break their preconceived notions about the laws of gender.
But gradually this anxiety gave way to a social distancing in the small town I worked and lived in. People who knew me before ceased to invite me to their social gatherings. I spent more time In Memphis and have become more and more socially comfortable here.
My facial surgery and body contouring helped with my big initial fear of never passing. I had ffs 2 years after going full time and after surgery had no trouble passing at all. But my insistance in transitioning in place took a toll in never really being accepted there. Gradually business deteroriated but was not a problem until the Great Recession.
But what I thought was most interesting is how my attitude about gender change changed. I skipped the Be-All and attended SCC this year. I used the meeting to visit with some friends who went to Atlanta as well. But instead of attending the meeting I and a friend went to museums and other sights around town and I did not attend a single function at the meeting. I did not miss seeing the conference.
5-7 years ago correcting my gender was about all I could think about. After surgery I was busy dilating and healing but gradually I thought less and less about gender. I went through a period of wearing make up daily and then about a year of wearing lipstick and in the past 2 years I've almost stopped using any of it. I've also quit taking pictures of myself. I did that a lot in the first 3-4 years of transition. It was so new and exciting looking feminine and it was also such a relief. But now I rarely wear a dress or a skirt and most of the time I do not polish my nails. In summer I wear capris pants and simple tops and go for comfort without stepping outside anything acceptable for a nearly 60 year old lady.
The other thing that I think is odd is that I've gradually lost the understanding of why anyone would do this! It is like reaching a very difficult goal then forgetting why I ever started the journey. But I'm happy in my skin and it seems more and more like this is the way I've always been. Life is good. I have all the fears of aging that anyone has but at least it is in the body and role I've always wanted. I'd never go back because now the whole idea of gender change seems for foreign. I think it odd, but perhaps what you would expect.
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Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on September 6, 2011 at 12:48pm -
I have a feeling this will be my life in a few years with a few amendments and it sounds exactly what I hope and expect.
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Comment by Eileen Lang on September 6, 2011 at 3:09pm -
Life as me is better than I ever dreamed it could be. And yes the constant thoughts about gender issues are gone and it takes concentration to remember that life was once very different.
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Comment by miss marilyn m. moscarell on September 6, 2011 at 7:20pm -
7mounths out and it all sounds the same to me
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Comment by Deborah Dunkle on September 7, 2011 at 9:49am -
I'd have to agree. I am like you in that I never think about my old self or wear makeup. This past weekend I attended a wedding with my partner (she is the grand Aunt of the bride) and wore makeup and a dress for the first time in two years. I almost did not find the make up kit and when I did much of it was worthless. I don't miss it to be honest. I do sometimes miss some parts of the old relaity but it mostly comes from the ;loss of my wife Sandy not from being female. And, of course, she passed away so that loss was unavoidable. I have moved on mostly and am Engaged! Yeaahhhh
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Comment by Teresa H Halley on September 8, 2011 at 6:06am -
Thanks for sharing. I am still about 8 months from full-time. Always thinking about 5-10 yrs down the road. This help, guess you get to the point like I was always this way & enjoy it. Everyday is exciting & look forward to a "normalcy" one day!
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Comment by Caroline Grace on September 8, 2011 at 6:57am
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Thanks for a nice post. It is always interesting to learn from others about their journeys. And no doubt you do remember that learning from those who went before you meant so much back in the day.
You made a very telling statement: "It is like reaching a very difficult goal then forgetting why I ever started the journey." Part of the goal for TG people who need to transition should be just that, don't you think? i.e., A good transition should take away all of the intense drivers that drove depression, anxiety, etc. if they related to gender identity?
Who one is after transition: There are many types of women in this world. Many do not wear makeup nor do they wear dresses. When we find out who we are we should embrace that person and not try to be someone we are not. Sounds to me like you and others are right on track.
I am still on the journey of transition though pretty far along it. It is nice to know what might be on the other side. Many thanks for sharing this.
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Comment by jennifer gennamore on September 8, 2011 at 1:04pm -
i loved your post im on hrt with SRS nextt july i cant wait too be complete body and mind thanks jennifer
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