Changes and Considerations

Comment by Dal Maxwell on September 5, 2012 at 10:57am

Jess - There are a LOT of hurt feelings happening right now; I think that the best thing you can do is to take a bunch of deep breaths, deal with the immediate situation, remember that it's not just about you, and don't push the gender issue too hard; it will only serve to further alienate your soon-to-be ex. 

From my own experiences as a father or two, I know this is really difficult.  I allowed my ex to move away with the kids because my gender issue wasn't the cause of our separation but I knew at that point where I was going to go.  My daughter was crushed when we told her they were going away without me; my son was only 2.  Eventually, although my ex still doesn't get it, I do have a relationship with my kids.  My ONE lesson from this became, when I finally realized it is that, no matter how I WANT them or anyone else to see me, I will always be their father. 

You don't say how old your kids are so it's hard to say that they would or wouldn't 'get it'.  No one I know with children have ever figured out what the 'good' age to tell them is, you just have to maintain a good relationship with them even just over the phone and hope that things will work out.  I think that one REALLY good thing to do would be to try and make just enough peace with your ex that she won't defame you to them to the point where they think you are the devil incarnate.

Have you looked into the diversity policy of your company?  How strong is your connection to it?  What kind of people are your co-workers?  WHAT'S YOUR HURRY? These are a few of the things you need to consider when going about this.  There are things you can do before the 'official' coming out; most of them do not lead directly to self-destruction. 

Aside from the turnoil of the divorce, have you looked into what is involved in transitioning?  Will your family be supportive?  Your friends?  A place to contemplate a lot of the factors in transition is at www.tsroadmap.com.  The resources, steps, and things to think about are all somewhat laid out for you.  And let me tell you from personal experience that planning and being prepared are key.  Very little goes the way we expect, it can be a daunting undertaking but worth it when you come out the other side.  You may find strength in yourself that you never knew possible, and you will know yourself inside and out, in my opinion. 

So my suggestion is to take that first deep breath, let the animosity subside, be cool to your kids and reassure them that you love them regardless of anything else (remember that to the kids it won't be about you, it willl be about them!), try and make peace with your ex for the sake of the kids if nothing else, and THEN...look into what it takes to come out. 

One last thing.........transition is not one packaged process; there's no time limit, no correct way (except to survive yourself), and you can take the time to assess exactly who you think you will be when all is said and done before acting.  And I think that should be your rule of thumb:  think three times/act once.    Good luck!

Comment by Julia Giannopoulos on September 6, 2012 at 8:46am

Fear is a double edged sword Jessica.

It can either motivate you to do something or it will keep you in place.

So far it's keeping you from doing anything to further your transition until now.

My tenure here has been long and in that time I have seen more than my share of those that have allowed fear to dictate their lives and defeat their need for transition. They would rather wallow in self pity and anger rather than walk forward. And now there's you Jess, ready to either walk forward or add her name to the list of those that failed to take action in their lives. Prepare your children which it sounds like you have done, swallow hard and take action. No one said this was easy. On the contrary it is the hardest thing you will ever do that's why you see train wrecks of people that didn't have the balls not to have any.

Be strong, be good to yourself and walk forward.

 

Comment by HELEN BRADY on September 10, 2012 at 11:02am

I hope the best for you. As you can tell from all the blogs on here, you are NOT alone.  I have found that companies can act like they accept you and then stab you in the back when you least suspect it. Just be careful.

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