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"We are One"

After reading a thread here momentarily ago, I was inspired to post this thread about how crossdressing can get out of control. I agree and totally understand what was going on with a previous poster today about wanting to put it all away for a while. It happened to me back in '97. The more I did , the more I wanted, it's like if you have one beer, you want another, or like if you've seen one pair of beautiful titties,,,,,, you want to see the rest of them. But back in '97, I totally quit, I purged, I threw everything in a dumpster. It was my secret. I literally became afraid of what this was doing to me. I was in my second marriage, and I would go to our second home 60 miles away on some weekends, I began to get out of control, spending money we didn't have and lying to cover Tara's purchases. My desires were taking over. Tossing and turning in my sleep, what could I do? Therapy?? How could I cover my reasons with my (then wife) for why I was going to therapy, (which I didn't do). I was strong, I loaded everything in the car and tossed them in a local corner dumpster. I wish I had been on this site way back then or, if it even existed. Some lucky girls on here could have had a field day with so many goodies. I had to do it at that time. For I was the only one that knew what I was doing. I thought it was harmless at first. I didn't know what my private crossdressing would bring on.
It is something like drinking or a drug or a damn good music album. You do a little, dang that feels good, then you want more, then that feels good, give me more and more. But upon disclosing that history to my new wife, she wanted me to and encouraged me to cd. I told her that it was more to it then what she thought it was. I guess she had the steriotypical understanding of what all it would entale. But once again, here it is. I once again live in the fear of cd'ing getting out on my control. I limkit it as much as I can, for I don't want to lose my new wife as a result of crossdressing though she encouraged it blindly. I've talked with her so many times expalaining all of who I am and of my desires. And of all of this yo-yo syndrome of acceptance and then withdrawing it all without warning and then she pretends to me as though she just found out for the first time. What I'm trying to say from many years of experience is asking some questions. Can a CD satisfy his desires to CD and have a healthy marriage? Can a CD give to his wife the man she married at all times without the other personality taking over his male self and taking from his wife the man that she married? Can I comfortably persue my CD desires without the fear of it taking me to different levels that my supportive wife may draw the line at? And if I stumble into a demension of CD'ing that is beyond her acceptance (based upon her understanding of CD'ing) can I put the brakes on if I go too far?
I have told her that I have had bi-sexual feelings occasionally when dressed and when I sometimes have to satisfy myself. And we have done some role reversal games which we both have found so much joy in, but sometimes I get afraid that even this kind of pleasures may take over. So I purge only by putting Tara's stuff away and take it a day at a time. It's like trying to quit smoking or something.
But we also have so many other marriage killing issues unrelated to CD'ing that today, I am ready to throw in the towel, for this is my third marriage and I can't find contentment. Can any of you sisters relate to me??.................Tara

Views: 198

Comment by Rachel King on October 5, 2010 at 8:14pm
Hi Tara,
I'm totally with Lorraine here.
You are not only tearing yourself apart, you are tearing your marriage apart and at some stage you are going to have to face up to one question.
"Who and what am I."
Every single one of us has had to face this dilemma, sooner or late, usually later, and wasted many many years of our lives.
You and I are lucky today, to have Chloe's wonderful site PE, to assist, guide and support us.
Oh, how I wish PE and the Internet, had been around 20-30 years ago.
Still and all, it is here now and is a blessing to thousands of us, in whichever part of our journey we are on.
Follow Lorraine's advice, don't make excuses, talk to your wife and find the money, and then, find your peace of mind, in whatever shape or form it may be.
Be well,
Rachel
Comment by Rachel King on October 5, 2010 at 10:05pm
Well, thanks very much Connie.
I've never been called a lady so am I to take it, I'm the old broad?,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hurrrrmmmppphhhh.
Broad indeed, I'll have you know I am quite slim, as long as I don't stand sideways to the mirror and I squint a bit, well a lot!
Comment by Rachel King on October 5, 2010 at 11:43pm
Forever exposing yourself is not a good habit, as the nuns say.
I'm going to guess here about the cab. Is that something about, "and all that enter her." hahaha.
Sorry Tara, Connie's brand of idiocy is infectious, hahaha.
Comment by Tara Rose on October 5, 2010 at 11:50pm
Thank you Connie, Rachel and Lorainne. I really do appreciate your commenting and of your insight on my blog. I really do think that there are so many variables in couples as far as cd'ing goes. It all depends on the cd and how far does the cd want to go, and then mix that with a real gg wife and how much is she willing to accept. When I saw the comment on older and wider I thought, wait and minute, I'm not exactly a spring chicken, but then I checked the profiles and yes I'm a few years younger, so yes, they have had more time to think about it all and more experience. I'm 53 by the way. But it's all good, I love all my sisters on here and love the support from each and everyone of you. I've been dressing before I even knew what sex was around the age of 5 or 7. And on a side note to the three of you, I think all of you are very ,very, attractive. I sometimes wish we all lived closer and we could all meet here at my house and we would all just dance and sind and play pool and just laugh and have a good time. ..Tara
Comment by Christen Bustani on October 6, 2010 at 11:20am
At some point in our lives, as we let the woman inside of us materialize in front of the mirror, many of us come to find that the clothes and dressing are not really the thing that calms our desire. The more we dress as the woman, the stronger the feelings often become that we are. The clothes are oftentimes simply the vehicle by which we can physically manifest what already exists inside. We can tend to separate those two lives - of male and of female - through the act of cross dressing and then closeting.

But at some point, usually right after we have spent an evening cross dressed, we start to realize that this is something more and something deeper than simply acting out as the woman. We begin to realize that, for many of us, this is who we are and that the act was simply in playing the part of the male role.

The holes of the facade become visible to us in time.

You have a wife who has been able to participate in the cross dressing realm - so has mine - the next realm - of recognizing this is something more - is one that will require openness, honesty and a willingness to allow both to move at a level and rate which you can agree on. Life is a journey and we all grow and change as individuals. Even if the steps are small and the progress slow, we each, as intelligent beings, need to feel we are moving in a direction that allows us to fully be as human beings.

A good therapist and a lot - and I mean a lot - of open communication and even more time may be needed on both your parts - but you can arrive in a place which can work.....

Hugs,

Christen
Comment by Samantha Rieth on October 6, 2010 at 11:47am
I would like to point out that people without gender issues have things to work on in their marriages. NOBODY is the person they married after time passes, this is reality. The crossdressing just seems to be a convenient thing to blame for those things that may cause conflict. Go to a book store and look at the marriage/self-help/relationship section and see all the books on rebuilding marriages they wouldn't be sold if non-TG people did not need them also.

What counts ultimately is the both of your commitments to your marriage. If you are solid in that, the rest is just details. My wife and I are death do us part types; nothing has been worth committing murder yet.

Being a transgender person and working out who you are is never a destructive behavior; not doing so makes us form destructive relationships.
Comment by Jenn on November 10, 2010 at 8:00am
Dear Tara Rose, You have been given wonderful advice from girls who are old enough to know but not so old as to have forgotten. I would only reinforce the need for a competent, TG experienced, therapist because I too suspect that the clothes are just the outward manifestation of the discovery process that is going on inside you.

Hugs, Jenny
Comment by Tara Rose on November 12, 2010 at 12:04am
Thank you, Jennifer for your post and insight. I have lived with this for just over 50 years. I feel that there are no more lessons about life that I am still yet to learn, especially about cd'ing. But I do realize that cd'ing comes in certain dimensions from one person to another. I just have found that in the past and now ‘being in the now’, I find it sometimes does start to take over. I mean in terms of what I know I should be doing and what the cd'ing does to me. I love each and everyone’s opinions and learned wisdoms from all of my sisters here whom I consider friends of all of your experiences and insights and of all that cross dressing entails. But I feel that when some of us and not all, can find ourselves with tremendous struggles with cross dressing, and that alone is a hard road in itself, but when there is a wife to consider, and taking in consideration her limits and or boundaries-her understanding or lack thereof fully understanding, then cross dressing can get quite complicated. I mean then a cd has to make decisions not only for the best interest of him/herself, but also to keep the best interest of his/her wife in all decisions. But how far does a cd go? How far would a wife allow? But my original blog asks, “Does cd’ing control you?” I feel that as long as I have a wife that tries so hard to understand that has come a long way in her education and learning’s of cd’ing with an open mind, not stereotyping her cross dressing husband and/or other cd’s, I have a chance to let my cd’ing coincide with my dual life and the 2 or 3 of us can lead a happy life together. But it still all depends from one married cd to another GG. It’s all in degrees from how far a cd wants to go, and how far a GG or accepting wife is willing to accept. But would a cd want to go farther than a wife is willing to accept? Does he love her more than he/she needs the expression of, or need thereto to express not only to himself but to others, or not the need to express to others? I’m in the balance or the midst and have been for over 50+ years. I have read and have seen horror stories of loves lost over cross dressing. I have come to terms with it. I know how far I want to go. I know the questions that most GG’s want to know or are willing to accept. The variances are as vast as the grains of sand on any beach. Cross dressing doesn’t control me, for my original blog was asking, “Does cd’ing control you?”. But, that was no admittance that it was controlling ME. I was just hoping that there were some cd’s at a ‘crossroads’ of extreme confusion thinking that their cd’ing was controlling them, not that it was controlling me. I knew at the time of the original blog, that I thought and or knew that I have been down all the roads of all the confusions for so many years that I thought I could be somewhat of an expert just shy of these so-called therapists and/or experts that are not tg’d or cd’s, those that have never lived the life, but feel that a ‘paper on the wall’ makes them an expert or qualified to counsel me. I feel that I could counsel most if not all confused cd’s or tg’s with their confusion. My original blog wasn’t posted because I was confused, but I was hoping to offer tireless wisdom and insight and or experiences in the hope of helping others that are just coming to the crossroads that I have been to so many times in my life. My wife and I have come to so many understandings and especially her-for she has learned so much about our lifestyle in just 6 months of my disclosure to her about my cross dressing….50+ years of, my learning’s and lessons have been pushed upon her in such a short time. I do feel there is hope in all these marriages that seem to be breaking up just for cross dressing only. If only the wives fully understood as my sweet and precious wife has come to understand. I have to go now, and with all the love and respect and understanding, I give all the praises and applause to each and everyone of my sisters here to just keep moving forward and let not the cross roads confuse you, for some of us, we find ourselves in the cross roads of decisions of asking ourselves of which is more important, our desires to cross dress, or the love that we feel for our wives??.....(love & respect)….Tara

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