So it’s been some time since I last blogged on PE. Lots has happened since I got back from Key West. While I thoroughly enjoyed my time by myself to reflect and ponder my journey, I was so happy to get back home to see my kiddos and wife. However, as I expected, my wife was not so thrilled with me being back. Not that she was not happy to see me, but I had been gone for 3 weeks and there was an underlying resentment for me leaving. I’ve learned that I cannot judge her or anyone’s actions as right or wrong simply because they do not agree with mine. I have to let her process things her own way and not to take things personally.
My anxiety increased drastically within the first 2 days of me being back. This also was expected as I was back in the same routine and environment I was when I left. However, this time, I had a different perspective on things. I quickly got back to work and into my routine. Things went fairly smoothly for us until about 2 weeks. We had another disagreement. We are past yelling or arguing with any intent to hurt each other. But this time, I simply said “what are we going to do? Why do we keep beating each other up? This is obviously not working so something needs to change. Do we want to make the changes or move on?”
Supposedly, the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I agree though I’m sure insanity can encompass much more than that! But I’m tired. I’m tired of doing the same things over and over when they are not working. I’m talking about my relationship.
From my wife’s perspective, most of our issue is because of my GID. Again, I cannot judge her for that. I mean it’s so easy to get caught up in me, me me. But this is not just about me. As confusing as it is for me, it is much more confusing for her!
I saw my therapist and she indicated I was not ready for hormones – that I needed to try some anti-anxiety medication. So I was referred to a psychiatrist who I gave a recap of my entire life up to my anguish with my gender in about 45 minutes. As expected, he wrote a prescription out for Celexa. I had it filled and took my first pill which was a very low dose – 20mg. Within an hour I was experiencing terrible side effects. This is also not surprising. My body has never liked medication – I’m one of those who experience the very bad side effects. I never wanted to take it anyway – but my therapist thought it would help me right now and honestly, I just didn’t know what the next step was. I had no appetite, upset stomach, headache, foggy, felt like a zombie and was lethargic. On top of that, it was making me depressed!
I tried this for 3 days then threw away the bottle in the toilet. What this taught me is that I need to trust my voice more. Believe in myself. I already knew inside that this would happen but it seems I listened to others more than me. I let others tell me what they thought I needed. Only I know what is best for me.
So I saw my therapist again and she thought I should try a different medication . NO WAY! I immediately said I was not comfortable taking medication and that I would rather do a series of acupuncture treatments, yoga and meditation as it was much more effective for me.
She also said that we need to help me get clarity on my GID. That’s what I’ve been trying to do! I think in some sense, my anxiety is because I am so focused everyday on my Gender. It is at the forefront of my thoughts all day long. I also am anxious simply because I feel I HAVE to transition and along with that is all of the new challenges and expense.
My anxiety is not debilitating. I am still able to have a successful career and business though at times, I feel like I am not on the same level playing field like others because of my GID.
I’m focusing now on today – not trying so hard to be someone but enjoying who I am – all the nuances. When I look back at the most happiest times of my life, it was when I was in the flow, in the moment and just being myself then. I was not worried about what anyone thought I should be – I was just being. I’ve always been effeminate. But that is who I am.
I feel that if I am going to transition, the clarity will eventually come and I will just know. Right now, things are still muddy. The clarity that I do have is that I need to first focus on getting my relationship right even if that means separating. That area of my life is causing me to not be fully tuned in to my GID and my own needs.
I know that my GID will not go away. There is no cure. I am much more comfortable today expressing my female side than I ever have. That in itself is liberating even though I’ve not transitioned. I just am.
Believing in myself always matters.