Believing in Myself ALWAYS Matters

Comment by Nicole Aime on August 16, 2011 at 6:04pm

Matthew, I was just thinking about you.

It's so easy to have doubt, especially in ourselves. And even if we have all the confidence in the world, reality constricts around us so we feel helpless to do what we know we should do.

Take your time, Rome wasn't built in a day, nor could Nero burn it in a day. Keep looking inward - it's what's within you that must shine out. Stay patient with yourself so you can be patient with your wife. There may still be a way to transition together.

Hugs

Comment by Matthew Mitchell on August 16, 2011 at 6:18pm

Thank you, Nicole. I'm somewhat impatient by personality though I now have the awareness about it and am doing much better.  I'm finding out that even within our community, where we share such a strong commonality, we are still unique in our journey.  So that I must learn to take steps at the pace that is meant for me.  I would say that in some sense, my GID is a gift in that it has forced me to really strip away layers upon layers of issues and obstacles in my life and get down the the very core of who I am.  Hmmmm....maybe that is another blog post!  LOL

Comment by Nicole Aime on August 16, 2011 at 7:21pm

Keep writing, it's good for the soul.

A couple of years ago, my wife and I decided to remodel the house we lived in at that time. We decided to remove all the old paint from the woodwork. That was hard work with harsh chemicals and heat guns, burns and scraped knuckles, but the result was worth it. And I can tell you that stripping away all the layers of paint on my soul was hard work too -  but well worth all the blood, sweat and tears it took to do it.

Go well.

Comment by Jamie Robin Gardner on August 16, 2011 at 8:55pm

I think the hardest part of my journey towards being my true self, has been the relationships that have changed. Some of the people, that were closest to me, it hurt the most. It hurt them and hurt me. The new roads we travel are not like the ones we have been on most of our lives and we dont  have GPS to travel our GID road trip.

When I started this adventure, I had so many points that I knew I had to hit and set up time lines where and when I shoud be there. Guess what, I threw my time schedule out about  8-10 months ago. I am now taking things more slowly and try to enjoy each day. I still get impatient, but I just remind myself how far I have come.

As far as meds go. I take Zoloft. I have bad reactions to other meds. Welbrutin will send me into places, knowone whats to go. I refused for years to take any meds. For some people, meds can do more harm, than good, and if you do find one that works, how long will its good effects work on you. I had to have my doseage uped. I want to get off them this year and will be talking to my shrink this month.

Good luck with your wife. I can not say I understand how she feels. I have never been there.  I can relate to feeling like you keep hitting the same wall. The same argument, with the same outcome. You dont even have to say anything-you know where your going. It feels like being on a merry-go-round. Its hard to get off as its moving.

Well I have said enought. Glad to see you back on PE.

Comment by Rachel King on August 17, 2011 at 6:44am

Welcome back, thought you had drifted away.

Jeez, your therapist is a piece of work.

I have an abhorrence of people who think that drugs will fix the problem.

There is only one way to fix a problem and that is to find the answer within yourself.

Certainly not within a bloody pill.

Give her the flick and find a therapist who has some knowledge of transgender people and what is ACTUALLY in their minds.

Your current one's idea of normality is scary.

 

You are too rational in life to go off half-cocked( no pun) on this journey so maybe you had best do what your head is saying is the common sense thing and back-off and maybe take a breather from this course.

 

I see no advantage to anyone in forcing the issue of being TG.

It takes time, a lot of time, for you, your wife and ultimately your family, to come to terms with the who you are so develop patience, something I don't have and I suspect you are still learning.

Glad you have started talking again.

We at Pe are the best therapists in the world, I reckon, because we live it, and by definition understand it( some of it, anyway)

and that's a fact

 

 

Comment by Matthew Mitchell on August 17, 2011 at 10:39am

Hi Jamie - at the moment, I've written off any timetables too.  While my GID is a major stresser in my marriage, the fact of the matter is we had problems WAY before I finally came to terms with GID.  There have been lots of other issues in our marriage that are unrelated to GID.  This is where it gets messy.  So it's frustrating because not only is my GID making me feel stuck, but my unresolved marriage issues are making me feel stuck!  Focusing on baby steps and getting those issues resolved first will help me gain clarity on my GID.

Comment by Matthew Mitchell on August 17, 2011 at 10:42am

Hi Kitt - nice to meet you!  Thank you for the wise words. Being truly TG, I feel feminine whether I'm wearing a dress or not.  That feeling is always there.  Being a very spiritual person too, I can relate to your words.  Thanks for taking the time to comment!!

Comment by Matthew Mitchell on August 17, 2011 at 10:53am

Hi Rachel - nope, I had not drifted away....:) Life just got in the way of my blogging!  I have mixed feelings about my therapist.  She has a great reputation here in the MW and has been counseling TG's for years so I feel she knows her stuff.  She doesn't "Force" me to do anything but does make suggestions and when she does, she says "may I make a suggestion?"  With the meds, I should have listened to my voice as it told me immediately that was not the answer.  I know for a fact Celexa has helped my brother and now my Dad who is in late stages of Alzheimer's but my own biochemical makeup HATES medication. I've always reacted badly to medications.  And what happened this time?  A BAD reaction!  So in a sense, I'm mad at myself.  I'm finding my own voice because I grew up with a very strong mother and that combined with my environment and my GID feelings, I never felt like I had a voice. Through all of my inner work, I know that I can have healthy boundaries and be strong and proud of who I am. That my voice, my feelings are not more or less important than anyone else's.  That is empowering!

In a sense too, I think that I want to start hormones as a means to "escape" some of my marriage troubles. Does this make sense?  That I was hoping it would allow me to "run away" from issues right in front of me. So maybe my therapist is seeing that and saying...."whoa, let's focus on some of these other things to gain clarity on the next steps" and that she thought medication would help.  Who knows.  All I know is I flushed the entire bottle down the toilet and that was the end of that.  Within a day, I felt 100% better.  I  am a female inside, I am TG, I have GID - that much is true.  The goal in all of this for me is to be content.  To be happy.  But I want to clarify that I am happy now in a lot of other areas of my life. With my inner sense of Gender not matching my body - no, I am not happy.  With my kiddos, my job, "some" friends, yes I am happy.  I do know I can be happy in the moment.  But there are also moments when I really quiet my mind and my GID hits me in the face like a bitch and in that moment, I'm not so happy!  Complicated...yet not complicated.

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