Back Story if you are interested

Hi, I thought some of you may like to know that this isn't the first blog site that I posted on.  The only other place I ever found that was a respectable site was The gender society.  When I joined it had another name but I think it was more of a british cultural term which is considered slang and had negative connotations in other parts of the world.  In my blog there you can find my actual suicide post saying goodbye when I attempted to kill myself with medication.  The server lags a lot for my computer but it could just be my computer so be patient if it is slow for you.  I would like to give credit to Katie Glover for taking the time to call from the UK in an attempt to save my life.  I guess she did.  My in-laws can verify the truth of it because she called their home which was once my address when I first moved to Oregon in 1998.  That a stranger would take the time to save me has always humbled me a bit.  I didn't want to reveal who I really was on that site as I just wasn't ready to put the truth about me out to the general public.  I posted under the name Karen Moore.  So Karen was always really my first choice in a girl name.  Some of the posts will just be silly nonsense but I think in reading them you will be able to see the struggle that I have been facing for the last four years of my life.  Every time I posted,  which was infrequently, I was basically very troubled and trying to deal with this stuff.    No this hasn't been a fast quick or easy decision but I believe it is necessary if I wish to continue to live.  In truth I have fought this for my entire life but when I was little I really didn't know what it was.  All I knew was that I felt differently about things than most boys and in order to fit in I had to adopt different behavior so I wouldn't be singled out and teased.  I have used nail polish and sometimes wearing an article of girls jewelry or clothing as a pressure relief system to attempt to express myself in a female way.  I am unable to continue in that manner.  I am not a crossdresser because if I were then wearing the clothes would fulfill who I need to be.  I am a transsexual and it hasn't been easy to get to where I can say that openly and honestly.  Yes I know the correct term is transgendered because it just sounds better, but that is an umbrella term that covers drag queens, crossdressers, genderqueers.  ect .  I am none of those.  I have never set foot in a gay or lesbian bar or participated in transgender groups.  I have I suppose some negative stereotypes of  these things that need to change.  It is really just another fear.   I know what I am however because I just do.  I mention these facts only to let you know that these places and people have not influenced who I am.  I am what I am because that is who I am period.  I didn't become trans by association and neither can anyone else.  You either are or you are not it IS a birth condition.  I'm 44 yeah that is a long time to just live with it and struggle through it totally alone.  My picture was taken at Victoria's Over the Rainbow studio in Tigard.  That is the only time I had ever been around anybody who accepted me totally for who I really was.  It is basically a glamour shots for trans people and it isn't cheap and there is nothing sexual about it.  I have serious doubts that I can make myself look as good as she did.  So there you have a more complete picture of what I have dealt with, what I have hidden for so long out of shame.  Now I have brought my shame to bear on people who don't deserve it either and I hope that someday they can forgive me for it.  Telling my truth is the only way I know to attempt to try and give understanding as best as I can.  Karen