Aligning with the past?

Comment by Rachel King on June 29, 2012 at 9:14pm

It would seem to me after reading this blog Mollie, that you are looking to find justification for who you are but it is really a pointless exercise.

You are who you are.

We, as trans women struggle throughout our lives with this question but there is no clear answer, anymore than there is, of why a woman is perceived as beautiful and many are not.

It just is.

It doesn't make any woman less of a woman.

It's in our genes, or in our case unfortunately, in our jeans.

Conversely, many women question why they were born women and not men.

It is one answer we as a trans woman have over any natal woman, we know from experience that being a woman is so much better than being male...... so much better.

Personally,I don't think you will find any answer in a book to this particular question, I believe the answer lies within your self.

An old adage, " If it feels good, do it, if it don't, don't."

In your heart, you have no doubt that what you are doing is right, for you, and that should be enough, otherwise the demons will rule your thoughts.

Being a trans woman is not the burden we bear, rather, justifying it to everyone else is.

 

You are currently living between two worlds, a hard place to be and when you do find the desire to be true to yourself, you will, as every single person who has fully transitioned has, find an inner peace.

It is a wonderful feeling and worth the journey...... and the cost....... in finding it.

Lastly, please give your wife a huge hug for me, she is a wonderful, wonderful human being in her acceptance of you as a person, as a woman and in becoming a complete human being.

 

Simply, accept that you can't change what was, only what will be, in your desire to be complete.

Comment by Dal Maxwell on June 30, 2012 at 11:23am

Molly - I have a very simple philosophy about my own past, weird as it was; Who I WAS is the vessel that carried me to the shores of where I am now.  I think that denial of one's past is a huge leap into self-loathing, and that is just a short leap into self-destruction.  Look at your work from an artist's point-of-view; the evolution of your craft.  ALL good artists have 'periods' or pieces.  As someone tangentially involved in the art world, I know all too well the signs of the 'painful' period, or the 'out-to-lunch-on-drugs' period.  Even in my own photography, I can see the restraints of creativity loosen over the years and the focus of my wandering eye shifted and evolved. 

Don't slash your past; embrace it as part of your journey, and good luck. 

Comment by Molly Vaughan on July 16, 2012 at 2:53pm

Hi Ladies,  

Thank you both for your thoughtful comments.  I think Tropical storm Debbie must have picked me up and dumped me on an island of non communication.  I agree with both of you and know that who I was, am, and will be are all wrapped up together.  I just had never had a moment before where I had been shocked by my feelings towards images of me from before.  I am definitely caught between two worlds and am trying to navigate my way out.  Just stuck.  That last jump just seems to depend on so much.  

Thank you both for your thoughts.

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