Early this winter I reached the conclusion that I wanted to go ahead and transition... my confidence in the decision was unwavering and my resolve at the time seemed like it could carry me through the difficult road ahead. That resolve carried me far enough to come out to my mother and make some of my plans known to those I was close to. I left the whole process pretty emotionally battered and feeling fragile at best. The stability of my life was slowly dissolving and fearing its affects, I made the conscious decision to put all transitioning matters on hold through the month of march since during that time my schedule was at times unbearably busy. April has finally arrived and with it I gain back much of the free time I had dedicated to other activities. The reduction of stress is a welcome comfort however I find myself again filled with all the doubt I thought I had rid myself of earlier this winter.
Since my decision to transition, I have obtained the promise of my therapist to write a referral letter for HRT if I chose I want to proceed. At that point, the possibility of actually taking the first steps towards a physical transition suddenly became real. No longer contemplating a hypothetical situation, I found myself struck with a paralyzing fear that has kept me from proceeding further. The idea of the whole ordeal is overwhelming... and I worry that the simple fact that there is doubt in my mind is a careful reminder that this isn't the right thing to do. I want to transition, and now with the opportunity to do so, I am crippled by the idea that a conscious decision holds the potential for destroying my life.
I read time and time again, usually with a hint of envy, stories of girls ecstatic to begin their transitions and eagerly welcoming the bevy of new experiences. I'm not naive to the fact that every person, despite the truths they care to make public, carries with them fear of the future, however I find myself to be the only one held completely stagnant by its grips. Perhaps my life is still too livable at the moment "As is"... and if/when things slowly deteriorate the path will be clearer and fear will be overcome by necessity. It is a decidedly bleak path if that is indeed the case.