Afraid of the future

Comment by Katherine MacKenzie Bradford on April 5, 2011 at 1:04am

Every day since I began transitioning has been a struggle, and I'm often so sick with fear that it manifests physically (like this morning for example). But no matter how bad I feel, or how impossible something seems to be, I always fall back on the one truth in my life now... I am Kathy through and through, and I will do whatever it takes to be me. After sucking up to people for three decades, I am done...

If you want to transition, Kayci, then dig deep and find whatever strength you need (and you WILL need it). To follow this path is not an easy thing, but it will be the most wonderful thing you will ever experience and blossoming into your true self is well worth whatever hardships it takes to get there. I wish you all the best, wherever you wind up taking yourself and always remember that you are not alone.

~hugs~
Kathy

Comment by Lucy Persechino on April 5, 2011 at 4:21am

hello
The first steps in transtion are never easy, there is no magic pill to make it easier only time does this.
The first day at work and first meeting people as a woman are always the most nervous moments but once that is done it does get easier.

In the first 2 weeks at work I was really nervous when I walked to and home from work, then one day I realised I was going through my food shopping list as I was walking home.

Also at work gossip dies down and people get on with thier lives.
At the end of the day it is worth it as it means to stop living a lie and being the person you are.
It is a journey of ups and downs but in the end never regrets, I wish you all the best and hope you can make the first steps forward.

Lucy
xx

Comment by Rachel King on April 5, 2011 at 4:27am

There is not one person who has transitioned, who has not known that fear.
For most of us Kayci, being able to live as the woman we have always known ourselves to be is the one overriding factor.
There are fairly easy questions to ask yourself,
1/ Am I woman?
2/ Am I prepared to live the lie any longer?
3/ Am I prepared to lose everything( but not necessarily) to live free of guilt?
4/ Am I prepared to be strong and not falter( because once you come out to all, there is no going back)
5/ Am I doing this because of fetish or because I am genuinely transgender?
6/ Do I have the support network to do this( you CANNOT do this alone, none of us can or could)
7/ Am I woman?

See, it's really quite easy.

I love the way Katherine has framed her answer.
It is the truth as we live it.

Comment by stephanie dixon on April 5, 2011 at 6:41am

i could say alot here but at the moment with my opp looming i am not in the right fram of mind.
but hang in their if this is for you then their is a cost but it does not have to be done or made over night steep by step worked for me

Comment by Teresa H Halley on April 5, 2011 at 6:52am

I know the feeling all too well, in the same boat. Just remember there is no hurry & slow & steady. The path is unique for each of us. I could be stealth if I moved, but family & job hold me. Also still work as a man, don't like it but time is not right to go FT. So know others are with you! Hugs...Teresa

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on April 5, 2011 at 7:38am

Did Rachel mention "Am I woman?"

I am getting GCS in June and I have my apprehensions too, but if you answered in the affirmative to the above question you press forward because there is no place of regression, no safe haven in either direction. The fact, "I am woman", kept me going through this, so although I have glanced backward, my journey has always been forward. I fear: "wlll the operation go well? Will I need corrective surgeries? Will insurance cover me if I do?" But those are questions most transwoman face so we keep living life, laughing crying, working, breathing but most of all feeling it, you seem to feel it, and when you do that innate understanding emboldens us to press on.



God bless, sis, you will do fine and what are obstacles you now will be fading objects in the rear view mirror.

Comment by Sophia Smith on April 5, 2011 at 8:02am

Kayci,
Been there, done that! Just within the last year too. If, you decide to go the hrt path and it's not right for you, you can go off. No harm no foul. Each time I take that little E pill it's like a mini therapy session. It's a conscience thought about my future. Each time I take them without any real hesitation. If it doesn't work for you, stop.
Go lightly, sweeetie,
Sophia

Comment by lissa michelle on April 5, 2011 at 12:40pm

Nice to hear how common it is to fear the unknown! As each year passes, it becomes clearer to me that the question isn't answered until I make that committment. And the mantra is "patience". I look around the landscape to figure out if the time is right, and presently it is not. It isn't a case anymore of why but when. Godspeed,

Comment by Patricia on April 5, 2011 at 12:43pm

First off . . . you ARE normal in your fears and in those bringing yourself to complete stagnation. Simply accept that fear is a part of ANY change, not just this one. Also, realise that fear does NOT mean you are making the wrong decision or that you should even be second guessing yourself. Instead, think of fear as something that keeps you on your toes and is a normal part of ANY journey or change.

I too have stagnated myself many times due to fear. Fear of loss, fear of what I will become, fear of becoming who I want to be, fear of so many things, but most of all . . . . fear of uncertainty. Its the "not knowing" part that becomes so mentally troubling for not just us transgender floks, but for anyone going through any journey of significance. But also realise that the "uncertainty" is also the exciting part! It simply means YOU have control of who you are and who YOU will become. Thats why the fear is so strong! Because its in the realisation that YOU have full control and that YOU are the end result of YOU.

Now, for me, as I am approaching 35, I have underwent this process of fear so often that I am finally understanding and accepting it myself.

Like me (and so many of us here) you know who you are. Accept the uncertainty and don't worry about the "what-ifs" because YOU have control. Take your steps as you see fit and live your life!!

Enjoy the journey Kayci!!

Trish

Comment by Amanda Nicole James on April 5, 2011 at 1:03pm

OH MY GOD

That is EXACTLY how I feel - like I'll be in "I will....." forever

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