a year in review.

well, time flies i suppose. i thought it best to check in again. i havent been on here for possibly the last 3-4 months. having issues with the site bogging my computer, and admittedly i felt "uncomfortable" with the photo policy that was enacted.

like most things in life, we find a way to survive. i remember last year swearing i'd make this year the year i'd make changes. and while i didnt make as big of a change as i had planned on, at least ive made decisions and set the ball rolling.

this time last year, i was just starting to see results of my starting laser on my face. i had been growing out my hair for half of the year, and under peer pressure, i had cut it. regretting it, i felt i had lost something of my feminine expression. i started down the path of coloring it. during the year, my hair has been of varying shades of red, and some very dark browns, with nearly a purple in there as well. im hoping ive found a shade i can stick with, and im happy to say ive only had one trim since this time last year. my hair is now just about shoulder length. im happy with it for now, though i expect i'll keep it growing for another year or so.

emotionally it's been a year of up's and downs. i had agreed with a friend (who's also TS) that i would spend a year deciding whether i'd pursue HRT. i also spent far too much time this year working, and not enough time finding myself. this brought much stress to my life. in this day and age, we're all familliar with the need to pay the bills, but at some point we need to do something more than survive. this was the year i made that decision. i cant just "make do" with what i have. admittedly im terrified of losing what i have, but i need to continue.

for those who dont know, im an automotive service technician. a mechanic in common terms. which means i deal with the "old boy's club" daily. caught between two worlds. ive had my ups and downs with them this year. my increasing need to express myself versus the need to survive, and their occasional ignorance.

around july we had a customer come through the shop who was either CD or an emerging TS girl. i never saw her, but heard the conversations that ensued. it bothered me the way this customer was being ridiculed. i felt sick.

by august, the stress of life got to me, and i booked a week off work, and flew under the radar on the many forums i frequent. car stuff mostly. i didn't even answer my phone for the first 4 days even my boss's message about my paycheque went unanswered. i pampered myself. shopping, salons, night out with my girlfriends. it was a good life. then i went back to work and the stress ensued.

in october i went to several work training events. some of them i went to as myself, others as my "male expression". it was a bold move i suppose, but nobody said a peep. no other co-workers were there so i felt comfortable not having to explain myself. that is, until i saw a former co-worker. the next day my old facebook account was lit up with messages from old co-workers. i was out and it wasnt on my own terms. i was scared, but i explained to anyone who asked questions how i felt, and admittedly i havent lost any friends over it yet. slowly but surely im pushing onward, scared as i may be. my family has been there for me, even if they dont understand. my younger brother has become my big brother. being there for me when i get depressed at times. even if he doesnt know all of the answers. even my conservative catholic aunt has been supportive when she's seen my VERY red hair at the time, telling me i look cute. not a negative word was said, and im thankful.

ive had much emotional stress this year, and my friends know this. even if they dont know why, they're supportive. i am hopeful of the new year, and have booked an appointment with my family doctor to discuss HRT. as with most things with life, i wade in slowly. ive spent the entire year thinking if this is what i want. and it is. i cant go back.

geeze this is one jumbled up review. i just wanted to share a little.