To Pass or Not to Pass

Comment by Marsha M. Marsha on April 10, 2012 at 12:38pm

Galina and Jennifer really touched what I feel are the real passing issues and that is, not so much the dress, makeup, or body type, but carriage, personna, speach pattern, resonance. Too much head movement usually indicates a male, women use their eyes much more because they tend to have better peripherial vision. Of course we are talking in generalities, but when we have gotten out of the female socialzation gate years behind our GG peers we not only, as has been mentioned, have to take a crash course in femaleness ( not necessarily femininity those are two separate topics) but one questioning characteristic causes a glance for others and this is especially true with young females who are very aware of sexuality and gender recognition.

Even being post-op I work at refining my personna, yes I believe  I pass the vast majority of the time, but why not aim forall the time?

Comment by michelle moran on April 10, 2012 at 6:33pm

Interesting and well written, thanks

Comment by Michelle Wolf on April 10, 2012 at 8:09pm

Oh cripes! This is way more comments than I expected! Seriously, I love you all for this and thank you! I want to give your responses way more time than I actually have (I write my posts at lunch, then email them to myself and post in the morning before work) with a 4 year old.

@ Michelle - thank you so much!

@Marsha - Thank you! Totally agree on the movement, of course the part I suck at the most. I wasn't even graceful for a dude, but working on it. :-)

@Galina - OK, it's awesome when I can say with fully honesty that I agree with everything you said, and this is one of those times. And yes, I'm very proud to be a woman! Thanks sweetie. :-)

@Darla - Yes! Presentation over size wins in almost always, and something I am supremely grateful for. Also, you are way too kind and thank you!

@Caroline - I always learn something great every time you comment, and thank you. As a relative newbie, I am  very touched and grateful for any and all advice and I you have excellent words of wisdom. :-)

Shoot, gotta go for tonight, but not done and thank you all so much! More in the morning. :-)

Comment by HELEN BRADY on April 12, 2012 at 9:57am

I remember the first time at the grocery store I was called "Mrs. N." Sure made my day. I had a good time the other day with a room full of "older" women.(I'm probably older than most of them!)

So I thank my lucky stars or lucky genes for my "passability!"

Comment by Vicki L. Hafer on April 13, 2012 at 9:42am

Michele for the first year or so I pretty much looked like a man in a dress. And yes it was disheartening. I've always known who I am and think that has made it easier for others to accept me as a woman. After that year-ish I happenedwill to be invited to a new years party where at midnight this clearly redneck man gave me a nice semi-long kiss. At that point I knew I made it. If rednecks see a woman in front of them then everyone else will yo, and they have. So hug in there, it gets so much better. Love ya girl :)

Comment by Vicki L. Hafer on April 13, 2012 at 9:44am

So many typos from a "smart" phone lol, sorry.

Comment by Dianne Vernon on April 13, 2012 at 3:16pm

I agree with the wisdom expressed in the comments. It indeed is quite important to pass and some find it harder to do than others. There are also some GG's who doesn't pass, but that does not mean you should not try! However, I think it's as easy as starting by identifying your strengths and weaknesses and then work on them. Dress appropriately for your age is a good start but doesn't necessarily mean slacks and sneakers. In my experience I found it helpful to pay attention to details like well manicured nails, hair removal etc. Although I have some nice fem features, my downside is being 6' tall, but that does not mean I have to wear flats and jeans to try and blend in. 6' GG's also does not blend in well! I go more for the professional look and rather dress up than down, which I found to work well for me. I have made peace with the fact that all 6' tall gg's gets looks, no matter what they wear, so make peace with the fact and accept it. So if you're tall the extra looks does not mean you are clocked, BUT because you are going to be standing out, make sure the details are taken care off. I do not go to Walmart on Saturday morning in 4" stiletto heels, but rather wear 2-3" wedges which still is sexy but not out of place. I do like to go to Church on Sunday wearing a nice outfit and 4" heels and that works great too, even going to lunch after church and should I go to the mall after that, it's fine and surely does not get me read becaused I'm dressed well and wearing 4" stiletto heels......

From there I think it also helps a lot if you can get in shape and have a more fem figure (which I find to help me a lot) BUT surely the most important issues from here will be the voice and having feminine movements and just portraying/radiating a general "softness" which any attractive gg always has. I have often marvelled at some tgirls who do not do the basic efforts of working at their voice, and general feminine behavior, which will surely help you more at passing than most people think.

Besides it will also remove a lot of conflict potential if one at least tries to act in a fashion people expect for the gender you present. I know many tgirls don't pass all the time, but doing the basics and applying some effort to move and act feminine will surely remove a lot of tension and improve your self respect and respect for others. I am still not fulltime and not even on hormones yet, but able to  go anywhere (except work) as Dianne and although I have the confidence to walk into any situation anywhere a gg would, I still do not pass all the time and there are the 2-5% of people that will read you or think they read you, but at least I never find it to be an uncomfortable situation for either of us, because they will totally accept it as long as I act and speak like the girl I am. As long as you are friendly and courteous, there will not be a problem. and it just makes life much more fun if you are accepted by people more as the girl you are, instead of a freak.

Comment by Davita Farley on April 15, 2012 at 9:06am

My community of friends accept me. Simple...  I would love to pass every time to everyone, but since I'm never going to transition, I'll always have some work to transform me. My friends know and the close ones that understand treat me and consider me a woman; my presentation isn't so important to them. The environment of stores and restaurants I frequent have seen both of me and have never had problems with me. When they see which of me comes in they address me accordingly. But no matter what, they know me as a female and again, clothes are just a presentation. Now, of course, everyone goofs pronouns with me and that's only natural, but no harm meant and I can't fault them for being human.

In public with strangers, some days I pass better than others. It's like bad hair days -- some days we can be gorgeous and other days nothing tames the look. The public takes me well enough. That's what's important to me; I do the best I can and the strangers treat me normally. Now, I know I'm not the only one who knows about kids. There is an age that can read us no matter how hard we try; they are amazing. usually they just look puzzled or may yank on mommy's clothes, but I've never had one yell out. Still okay by me; it's just life and one more complication.

Comment by Brenda English on April 15, 2012 at 9:47am

@ Davita.  Yes young ones and teenage girls can read you no matter what you try to do.  I have never been publicly outed but I know they have read me more than once.

Comment by Patti on April 15, 2012 at 10:24am

It is an intresting point. However, I believe that passing IS important, at least to me. I want to be accepted for what I am, not what I appear to be. Movements are the toughest thing without a doubt. I spend a great deal of time just being concious of my every movement and it's starting to pay off. I feel more feminine when doing little things, walking, talking, gesturing etc.

I also like to pass as it gives me more confidence when I am with people and I believe they are more colm if I am "passing" Especially menI have had a great deal more sucess with men if I really work atpassing whern I am with them. That's true even though they know my history and status. 

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