Dorothy Colleen Bellion's Blog – February 2012 Archive (8)

I'm not depressed, exactly, but I feel like ... I dont know. All my life I was stuck in boy world, with my face pressed against the glass looking in at girl world, so envious I was salivating like a starving person watching people enjoying a five star meal. Now, I at last found an entrance into that land, but I wonder if I will ever be seen as anything but an immigrant. Will I ever .... just fit in?

One of the members of my trans support group and her amazing spouse treated me to a shopping spree at a second hand store. It was .... fantastic. I'm so, so blessed.

Well, today is Family day - a provincial holiday here in Alberta. The ironic thing is I dont have mine - Mom's working, and Sam is with her mother. I just tried phoning them, but Sam was in the shower as they had just got back in the door from swimming. I've been thinking a lot about relationships. The fact is, much of our identity is tied up in our relationships to others - we define ourselves as someone's child, or someone's spouse, or what have you. And whether I want mine to or not, they…

 we

First, the fantastic part. A friend from my trans support group had heard I was struggling with feeling ugly, and invited me to come to her house for a bit of a makeover. It was absolutely amazing what difference a pretty blouse, a new hair style, and some lipstick could make. Then she listened to me as I talked about my situation, and helped me with the memories of my rape.

Unfortunately, this led to having a revelation when I got to work - I found myself remembering how I…

Just once, I wish I could look pretty.... Sigh.

I'm in a tough spot in my transition. I'm waiting to be able to change my name, and there is little more I can do outside of that. Its really hard to be patent, so spare a good thought for me, if you will

 Just got back from lunch with a friend from the local trans support group. It was really nice, especially when they said I'm more feminine than most of the other members, some of whom have already transitioned fully.

this weekend, I'm giving a letter to my ex about my transition. things could get really bad ....