I now know that my cross gender behaviour has always been about internal identity instead of arousal. This is all the more apparent as I age. As any elements of eroticism wane, the identity gains increasingly in strength. The identity was strong in the early years then became confused during the turbulent middle years but of late it is back with a clear focus. That identity, in fact, never left me but I merely decided to ignore and suppress its existence in order to try and “fix”…Read More
I’m now in the process of contrasting the separate lives I am currently leading both as a male and as a female. The contrast is quite stark.
I feel that I am more peaceful, happy and jovial as Joanna. I am less brooding and there is less to think about in terms of how to be perceived or how to behave in public so that I appear male. I communicate more freely with others and think less about posturing with a male facade. I think it feels more like how I was meant to be.
But I am…Read More
It’s funny how I am becoming more emotional these days. Everything has been magnified.
I cry more easily but I also anger more easily. But it’s not anger from internal rage or depression it’s just that life tastes fuller to me because I experience it with a fuller palette which is available to me now.
When you have disphoria it’s like living life under a cloud which dampens everything. Simply dealing with it in more concrete ways has made all the difference in the world to…Read More
I wonder in retrospect just how much I suffered from a type of low grade depression during my life. When you have gender issues that you are not tending to or ignoring, there is a type of fog that you are constantly under except you don’t want to acknowledge it in hopes that it will simply go away. Attempting to suppress these feelings undoubtedly plays a part in stunting your emotional health.
I only know this now in contrasting how I feel today. I have a far healthier outlook on…Read More